Hope. It is a word that I hold dear this Christmas. This past year has held more trials and character altering circumstances than any year in my life. I am so thankful for the hard times, the loneliness and the times I felt like I was walking on a tight rope, about to fall at any second. Every day I wake up and question my faith. Why? I live in a terminal state of "what ifs" and doubt. Very rarely do I just sit and empty my mind of the irrational thoughts. Jesus has literally saved me from myself more times than I can count.
I haven't written in awhile. I've learned boundaries and just because I feel it doesn't mean I should air it out to society. Some things should just be kept sacred. But there is a balance, and there is a part of Melody that desires to share my heart.
So what do I say? What could I possibly say to Jesus except "thank you". When asked for my Christmas list this year I just could not think of anything I had to have. That is WEIRD if you know me. The only explanation is that I have received so many blessing while feeling so unworthy this past year. How could I ask for more? I have my husband, which will always bring tears to my eyes. Being a military family and being separated sheds a new light on what is important. I have my family. They believed in me for so long and even now they stand beside me...cheering me on...with my track record being to crumble when it gets too hard. I have Austin's family, who are not obligated to love me but they do any ways. I have a few friends here in GA that have unknowingly been my angels, just loving me. I have two beautiful nieces that still remember me and Austin. To hear them say "Mu" just melts my heart. A hug from Kate could take away a thousand tears. A laugh from Layla helps you believe there is good in life. These things I can share because they are gifts from Jesus. I treasure them.
Getting in to the nursing program was the goal...and the Lord has helped me through testing anxiety, feeling that I would die (literally...lol),feelings of inadequacy, and the list goes on and on. When I found out I got in to my program I was like "NO WAY...NO WAY...HOW?" And then I was like "OH GOSH CAN I DO THIS?". Which was followed by, "WHAT IF I FAIL?" And the words of my father seep deep in to my mind "If you fail, you are no worse off than before. You just get back on the horse".
I have three exams on Wednesday that I am terrified of doing poorly on. I have above average grades in all three classes but "WHAT IF, BLAH BLAH BLAH". I actually just finished studying. But it never feels like it's enough. Sometimes when you have failed before, you forget you are capable of succeeding. I think I am genuinely surprised when I get good grades. I jump around like a kid shouting "I DID IT!". I appreciate that though. To feel that "I DID IT" emotion is better than shopping! Sadly, it is followed by "what if I don't do so well on the next thing?"...ahh the power of thoughts. I'm working on controlling those. Me and Jesus talk about that a lot. He says, "Why do you feel inadequate?" and I say, "I don't know! You tell me!" and then He says, "I love you."
In conclusion, I can thank my computer teacher for this entry. She read aloud to the class a small discussion on Access software that I wrote. She wrote me me a little something that reminded me that I should share more often. Even with this next year being in a nursing school coma, I will attempt to keep you readers up to date with this life Jesus is molding. :)
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Job (long O)
"Such is the destiny of all who forget God; so perishes the hope of the godless. What he trusts in is fragile; what he relies on is a spider web. He leans on his web but it gives way; he clings to it, but it does not hold" - Job 8:13-15
I don't even know where to begin. I started reading Job a few days ago. Why? I've always disliked the story, the despair...the chaos. It is not exactly my favorite book of the Bible. God allowing satan to take everything a man loves out of his life to prove he is faithful is painful. Yes, I can say that. God already knows. lol. Revelation is another book I have yet to dive in to. But that's another story. ANYWAYS, so I started reading this mans story. At first I was like, "geez this guy whines alot!". Then I started to relate to him. Knowing I serve a faithful God does not mean I do not have days that I cry and say, "WHY GOD? What is this all about?". It's an emotion that every Christian experiences but feels ashamed to admit. After all, aren't we BELIEVERS? If we aren't saying "PRAISE THE LORD!" people may think we are doubting God. But don't we all.
I find it ironic God laid on my heart the book of Job (long O)...also pronounced...Job (soft O). To be honest, I am not comfortable where I am working right now. A few months back I had two job offers. One was a hospital photographer and the other a call center. I really felt like it was the right thing to do when I turned down the photographer job. I WAS CRAZY. lol. I felt like this one would be more flexible with school. I literally cried when I hung up the phone after saying no to the offer of photographing newborns in the hospital. It felt completely wrong but right at the same time. After Austin left and my training was over I was on my own. Everyday going in to listen to people rant and rave over their television (due to some legal papers I signed I am not permitted to say which provider...haha). I have encountered people who have no hope. Listening to their conversations saddens my heart. Listening to people yell and scream about a 3 dollar charge on their bill saddens my heart. Sitting in a box all day and coming home to an empty apartment...really saddens my heart.
Before I started reading Job I felt guilty for feeling so bitter. I felt like I should suppress it and not ask questions. But lately, I have been so honest with God. I have no one else to confide in; there is no one who understands my heart completely but Him. I guess I feel like I'm walking into a place of darkness everyday. I feel like I blur into the darkness, like I forget I am a light. I walk in to a place of despair and take despair home with me. I don't want to live that way. But I feel other people's emotions so strongly and this is what the majority of them feel...no hope...despair. I know there is a reason I am there right now. If for no other reason than to not be alone at home all day while Austin is deployed. I know I will see this as a blessing in the future. Just like Job was blessed in the end for trusting God...so will I be. But in the middle, it is life's hardships that bring us to that trust.
I normally don't ask for prayer on my blog. But if you'd like to pray for me...pray I find a job that allows me to be face to face with people in a semi-loving environment. lol. Pray I find a job that works with my school schedule..which I have found out this one will not. Pray for Austin as he also is working where he does not wish to be working (the desert). Pray for both of our hope to be restored and rest. We know we serve a faithful God. Being apart comes with being in the military and we thank God for the people He has sent us to build relationships with. You may never know how you have changed our lives during this time. We will continually thank God for his love for us. His hand is on us and He is not a God who will lead us to death, but life more abundantly. This is part of the process and we accept that. We are taking this one day at a time. We both appreciate the kind words and prayers that have already been spoken. May I touch a life the way some of you have ours.
I don't even know where to begin. I started reading Job a few days ago. Why? I've always disliked the story, the despair...the chaos. It is not exactly my favorite book of the Bible. God allowing satan to take everything a man loves out of his life to prove he is faithful is painful. Yes, I can say that. God already knows. lol. Revelation is another book I have yet to dive in to. But that's another story. ANYWAYS, so I started reading this mans story. At first I was like, "geez this guy whines alot!". Then I started to relate to him. Knowing I serve a faithful God does not mean I do not have days that I cry and say, "WHY GOD? What is this all about?". It's an emotion that every Christian experiences but feels ashamed to admit. After all, aren't we BELIEVERS? If we aren't saying "PRAISE THE LORD!" people may think we are doubting God. But don't we all.
I find it ironic God laid on my heart the book of Job (long O)...also pronounced...Job (soft O). To be honest, I am not comfortable where I am working right now. A few months back I had two job offers. One was a hospital photographer and the other a call center. I really felt like it was the right thing to do when I turned down the photographer job. I WAS CRAZY. lol. I felt like this one would be more flexible with school. I literally cried when I hung up the phone after saying no to the offer of photographing newborns in the hospital. It felt completely wrong but right at the same time. After Austin left and my training was over I was on my own. Everyday going in to listen to people rant and rave over their television (due to some legal papers I signed I am not permitted to say which provider...haha). I have encountered people who have no hope. Listening to their conversations saddens my heart. Listening to people yell and scream about a 3 dollar charge on their bill saddens my heart. Sitting in a box all day and coming home to an empty apartment...really saddens my heart.
Before I started reading Job I felt guilty for feeling so bitter. I felt like I should suppress it and not ask questions. But lately, I have been so honest with God. I have no one else to confide in; there is no one who understands my heart completely but Him. I guess I feel like I'm walking into a place of darkness everyday. I feel like I blur into the darkness, like I forget I am a light. I walk in to a place of despair and take despair home with me. I don't want to live that way. But I feel other people's emotions so strongly and this is what the majority of them feel...no hope...despair. I know there is a reason I am there right now. If for no other reason than to not be alone at home all day while Austin is deployed. I know I will see this as a blessing in the future. Just like Job was blessed in the end for trusting God...so will I be. But in the middle, it is life's hardships that bring us to that trust.
I normally don't ask for prayer on my blog. But if you'd like to pray for me...pray I find a job that allows me to be face to face with people in a semi-loving environment. lol. Pray I find a job that works with my school schedule..which I have found out this one will not. Pray for Austin as he also is working where he does not wish to be working (the desert). Pray for both of our hope to be restored and rest. We know we serve a faithful God. Being apart comes with being in the military and we thank God for the people He has sent us to build relationships with. You may never know how you have changed our lives during this time. We will continually thank God for his love for us. His hand is on us and He is not a God who will lead us to death, but life more abundantly. This is part of the process and we accept that. We are taking this one day at a time. We both appreciate the kind words and prayers that have already been spoken. May I touch a life the way some of you have ours.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Do you have any change?
Sometimes God will not change your circumstances until he changes your heart.
"Hello, thank you for calling. My name is Melody. Can I get you to verify the first and last name on the account?" I say this all day long at my job. Tonight I was reflecting back on the time I prayed and thanked Jesus for getting me a job here in Valdosta while waiting on school to start. I was so excited on my first day. This new thing from Jesus was so exciting! Now...not so much. Everyday I wake up alone. I go to a job where people are more concerned about television than life itself. My husband is deployed and my dog seems depressed. Life is not exactly a happy circumstance. I've wondered so many times the last few weeks if I have done something wrong. When I prayed that the Lord would change my heart and my attitude I did not expect it to be such a lonely and daunting experience. I was embracing change! The one thing I needed the most. Shouldn't this be a fairly easy process if I am in God's will?
But change only comes when we confront the fear in our lives. And the enemy is not happy when we do. Thoughts I called my own I am now realizing are lies. "Melody, what are you doing? Did you really think you could live away from your family while Austin was deployed?" "Wow Melody. Good job choice...way to turn down that photography job you were offered. You thought you were doing the right thing, huh?" And I've wanted to quit. I've wanted to quit this job and do what Melody does best...give up. I've wanted to find a happier circumstance, associating that with God's will for my life. But I am learning that change is a process. We pray and ask God to change our hearts. He does this through refining and testing of our character. And that my blog readers, is NOT happy times. Just because I feel alone doesn't mean I am. Just because it feels like I don't belong where I work doesn't mean God doesn't have a purpose for it. I am one that allows my fears to control my decisions. I think we all are. It takes a renewing of your mind everyday to push through those fears and say "I know I feel afraid but God says there is nothing to fear."
When you have lived 25 years of life paralyzed by fear...it's almost like physical therapy when you decide you want to walk again. Will you be reminded that you once couldn't move? Yes. Will you feel like the pain you feel in your body from trying to walk is too much? Yes. will you be discouraged that maybe one day you never will and this is a waste of time? Yes. Does that mean that you desiring to move again is not God's will for your life? No. Does it make Him any less sovereign or loving? No. It just means He needs to remind us that it is not possible without Him.
You see, God knows I am a co-dependant person. I find security in others. And when I knew he was calling me out of that I had no idea this would be the way out. SO I have a choice (as my mom would say)...thank God everyday for bringing me out of this circumstance the way He intended to...or go back to being paralyzed. So satan, you can suck it. Because I will not just walk...I will RUN. I may cry my way through physical therapy. I may ache to have Austin's companionship. I may worry about his safety or lively hood. But all of these things are emotions. Emotions come and go. God's promises are always true. So instead of focusing on my emotions...I need to focus on the truth. The truth is that being in God's will isn't always comfortable. It isn't roses. Knowing you need to pursue change in any area of life is difficult. Just mustering up the courage to admit it is tough. But walking through it is even harder. I always say that if satan is trying this hard to stop me....God must really be working. When you leave one thing it's not always important you enter in to a better circumstance...but that you are following the voice of God.
So I thank Him tonight through my tears. I thank Him for this time of solitude and reflection on my own character. I thank Him for teaching me how to relate to my husband in ways I never have before. I thank him for the promises He will fulfill through this muggy Georgia summer filled with gnats and call centers. : )
And satan you can still stuck it....yep...even doing the hand motion...because you are a LIAR. Can I get an amen? MAN! Where's my hand held fan? It's gettin hot in this church!! LOL.
"Hello, thank you for calling. My name is Melody. Can I get you to verify the first and last name on the account?" I say this all day long at my job. Tonight I was reflecting back on the time I prayed and thanked Jesus for getting me a job here in Valdosta while waiting on school to start. I was so excited on my first day. This new thing from Jesus was so exciting! Now...not so much. Everyday I wake up alone. I go to a job where people are more concerned about television than life itself. My husband is deployed and my dog seems depressed. Life is not exactly a happy circumstance. I've wondered so many times the last few weeks if I have done something wrong. When I prayed that the Lord would change my heart and my attitude I did not expect it to be such a lonely and daunting experience. I was embracing change! The one thing I needed the most. Shouldn't this be a fairly easy process if I am in God's will?
But change only comes when we confront the fear in our lives. And the enemy is not happy when we do. Thoughts I called my own I am now realizing are lies. "Melody, what are you doing? Did you really think you could live away from your family while Austin was deployed?" "Wow Melody. Good job choice...way to turn down that photography job you were offered. You thought you were doing the right thing, huh?" And I've wanted to quit. I've wanted to quit this job and do what Melody does best...give up. I've wanted to find a happier circumstance, associating that with God's will for my life. But I am learning that change is a process. We pray and ask God to change our hearts. He does this through refining and testing of our character. And that my blog readers, is NOT happy times. Just because I feel alone doesn't mean I am. Just because it feels like I don't belong where I work doesn't mean God doesn't have a purpose for it. I am one that allows my fears to control my decisions. I think we all are. It takes a renewing of your mind everyday to push through those fears and say "I know I feel afraid but God says there is nothing to fear."
When you have lived 25 years of life paralyzed by fear...it's almost like physical therapy when you decide you want to walk again. Will you be reminded that you once couldn't move? Yes. Will you feel like the pain you feel in your body from trying to walk is too much? Yes. will you be discouraged that maybe one day you never will and this is a waste of time? Yes. Does that mean that you desiring to move again is not God's will for your life? No. Does it make Him any less sovereign or loving? No. It just means He needs to remind us that it is not possible without Him.
You see, God knows I am a co-dependant person. I find security in others. And when I knew he was calling me out of that I had no idea this would be the way out. SO I have a choice (as my mom would say)...thank God everyday for bringing me out of this circumstance the way He intended to...or go back to being paralyzed. So satan, you can suck it. Because I will not just walk...I will RUN. I may cry my way through physical therapy. I may ache to have Austin's companionship. I may worry about his safety or lively hood. But all of these things are emotions. Emotions come and go. God's promises are always true. So instead of focusing on my emotions...I need to focus on the truth. The truth is that being in God's will isn't always comfortable. It isn't roses. Knowing you need to pursue change in any area of life is difficult. Just mustering up the courage to admit it is tough. But walking through it is even harder. I always say that if satan is trying this hard to stop me....God must really be working. When you leave one thing it's not always important you enter in to a better circumstance...but that you are following the voice of God.
So I thank Him tonight through my tears. I thank Him for this time of solitude and reflection on my own character. I thank Him for teaching me how to relate to my husband in ways I never have before. I thank him for the promises He will fulfill through this muggy Georgia summer filled with gnats and call centers. : )
And satan you can still stuck it....yep...even doing the hand motion...because you are a LIAR. Can I get an amen? MAN! Where's my hand held fan? It's gettin hot in this church!! LOL.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Hidden cell phone
"I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me"
Sitting down at the place I do every morning..got my coffee...my lipgloss...my cell phone hidden...no one has come in to work yet. Someone says to me, "Why do you believe in Jesus?". Taken back by the sudden urgency of this question so early in the morning I respond..."Because he loves me". This brings on a conversation of how do I know He loves me? Look at this world we live in! Look at the tragedy and hard times in my own life! How could I say He loved me? Tears fill my heart for this beautiful unbelieving person sitting in front of me. Raised in church, force fed religion and heart hardened by tragedy...they never knew Jesus. The beautiful Jesus who holds me when I cry in the car or watches me throw fits. The Jesus who watches my fears play movies that paralyze me at night and still prays for my unbelieving heart. The Jesus I trust with my life because He is the only eternal thing I have. The only one I trust enough to even get up in the morning and live life.
I literally cry after conversations like this. I am so mad that the church doesn't teach Jesus. I am so mad that these loved ones are taught rejection by the Christian community. For a while I even boycotted church. Why go? Well, because if I don't love those people how will THEY know the love of Jesus. I think Jesus would go to church and teach people how to love each other. I think not one is worthy...including those in church. We are all human. We reject people all the time. Who am I to judge? The purpose of church is to learn and grow. I will not boycott that any more. I am no better than they are if I say I am too good to be apart of them. While sometimes I fear rejection...afraid they may see my imperfections and not allow me to associate with them. If they do, that's ok. Because "a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God not people." And I will continue to love.
I once wrote a blog about prisoners at work. I remember seeing them on the side of the road with shirts that said "thief" and "murdered". I wondered what my shirt would say. Or what would happen if we all had to wear shirts that disclosed our worst moments. I think we would embrace each other. I think we would realize how unworthy we all were. I know that Jesus loves me in spite of what my shirt says. And I believe that that is what true love is. Knowing that someone loves you regardless of what you have or will do is the ultimate love. Knowing that he also died on a cross for those exact things written on all of our shirts so that we could know His love. How great His love for me must be. How could I not cling to that? It is the greatest gift of all.
So why believe in Jesus? "I have come that you might have life and have it to the full"- Jesus. I believe in His promises. I know He is alive and I feel his love everyday. I can not help but love him.
Sitting down at the place I do every morning..got my coffee...my lipgloss...my cell phone hidden...no one has come in to work yet. Someone says to me, "Why do you believe in Jesus?". Taken back by the sudden urgency of this question so early in the morning I respond..."Because he loves me". This brings on a conversation of how do I know He loves me? Look at this world we live in! Look at the tragedy and hard times in my own life! How could I say He loved me? Tears fill my heart for this beautiful unbelieving person sitting in front of me. Raised in church, force fed religion and heart hardened by tragedy...they never knew Jesus. The beautiful Jesus who holds me when I cry in the car or watches me throw fits. The Jesus who watches my fears play movies that paralyze me at night and still prays for my unbelieving heart. The Jesus I trust with my life because He is the only eternal thing I have. The only one I trust enough to even get up in the morning and live life.
I literally cry after conversations like this. I am so mad that the church doesn't teach Jesus. I am so mad that these loved ones are taught rejection by the Christian community. For a while I even boycotted church. Why go? Well, because if I don't love those people how will THEY know the love of Jesus. I think Jesus would go to church and teach people how to love each other. I think not one is worthy...including those in church. We are all human. We reject people all the time. Who am I to judge? The purpose of church is to learn and grow. I will not boycott that any more. I am no better than they are if I say I am too good to be apart of them. While sometimes I fear rejection...afraid they may see my imperfections and not allow me to associate with them. If they do, that's ok. Because "a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God not people." And I will continue to love.
I once wrote a blog about prisoners at work. I remember seeing them on the side of the road with shirts that said "thief" and "murdered". I wondered what my shirt would say. Or what would happen if we all had to wear shirts that disclosed our worst moments. I think we would embrace each other. I think we would realize how unworthy we all were. I know that Jesus loves me in spite of what my shirt says. And I believe that that is what true love is. Knowing that someone loves you regardless of what you have or will do is the ultimate love. Knowing that he also died on a cross for those exact things written on all of our shirts so that we could know His love. How great His love for me must be. How could I not cling to that? It is the greatest gift of all.
So why believe in Jesus? "I have come that you might have life and have it to the full"- Jesus. I believe in His promises. I know He is alive and I feel his love everyday. I can not help but love him.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Fatties in bikinis
Let's rewind shall we? Yes, we shall. Let's go back to July of 2010. Whoa, you really shouldn't be wearing that tiny bathing suit...oh wait, that's your July of 2010....Let's go back to mine...Whoa! I REALLY shouldn't be wearing a bathing suit at all! lol.
Kidding. : ) Austin is getting ready for basic training. We have packed up our apartment. I have moved in with my parents and I am saying goodbye to him. At this point, I have no idea what God wants from Melody. We make it through basic...now on to tech school. By the end of tech school we have been apart for almost 9 months. Still, I am apathetic about my life's direction. School? No way. Work? No thanks. I am about to move to Georgia and leave the comfort of my Tennessee home and family. Somewhere during that time I began to feel like I had lost "Melody" or wasn't seeking to find out who "Melody" was supposed to be. Utterly unhappy. Desperately wanting acceptance from anyone...and needing it from everyone. I have this fear of being rejected. I believe that after high school (maybe even before that) satan began to attack my thoughts...and I let him. I began to believe that I could not graduate college, my voice was nothing special, people would reject me if they really heard my thoughts, and of course that I was a terrible cook and would never successfully make a chicken pot pie. Well, enough is enough. God really got ahold of my heart...and not in the "oh that feels so good God! Thank you for disciplining me!" way. Through a series of unpleasant circumstances I saw so clearly. Satan had actually gotten me to feel sorry for myself everyday!! What in the world! How did that happen? Self-pity...my weakness.
I began to realize that things weren't happening "to me". I realized that my way of thinking was so off from His thoughts of me. Slowly, I began seeing the lies. Oh they are such ugly pathetic lies too. I mean, really? I had a friend share with me the promises God had already fulfilled in my life. She said I need to practice being thankful for those things that had not happened yet...but fully trust that God would not leave me desolate. By fully trust I mean fully let go of my expectations of what God should or should not do in my life. It was such a hard lesson. I mean we pray...we ask...we seek...but do we really every just say "Your will be done" and mean it with every part of our hearts? I'll answer that for you...NO.
So here we are...back in the present time (you look much better in your bathing suit by the way). Austin has once again been asked to leave his family in order to serve our country. We got a solid two months of adjusting to living together again and enjoying our marriage. My first response to his deployment news was something like this..."WHAT THA BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!" and then "WHY GOD?" and then "bleep bleep bleep" and finally..."Ok, Lord your will be done." And every day I thank him for this circumstance. I must be crazy right? Well, I am not going back to feeling sorry for myself. I fight it every day and it will not ruin my life anymore. Yes, I dislike my job, being alone here in GA, and going to a church where no one knows my name. But slowly I am finding that God is truly blessing me in this time. Just when I say to myself "I can't do it"...God says, "Melody, you ARE doing it".
My decision to go back to school and pursue my LPN was not without a lot of prayer. But the answer was so clear to me. I've been out of high school for almost 7 years. For seven years I have told myself I would never go back...I would always fail. My favorite thing to do is take care of people. So nursing seemed so perfect. Be careful when you say you will never do something because it may just be satan trying to pull you away from the things that would fill your life with joy.
Currently, I work at a call center. While I am thankful for getting some type of job in this little town....it drives me to get back in to school so I can finally do something I love. Sometimes being comfortable isn't God's way. Actually most of the time it isn't God's way. Are you comfortable? Because if you are apathetic and comfortable I would say to you..."BEWARE OF LIFE CRISIS AND HARD TIMES". God will surely do something to get your attention.
I want to know Jesus. I want to push through these 5 months without Austin and open up my heart to learn the things God wants me to learn. I appreciate all of your prayers. I simply can not tell you how grateful I am for the notes, messages, phone calls and skypes I have received. I am truly blessed.
Love you all!!
Kidding. : ) Austin is getting ready for basic training. We have packed up our apartment. I have moved in with my parents and I am saying goodbye to him. At this point, I have no idea what God wants from Melody. We make it through basic...now on to tech school. By the end of tech school we have been apart for almost 9 months. Still, I am apathetic about my life's direction. School? No way. Work? No thanks. I am about to move to Georgia and leave the comfort of my Tennessee home and family. Somewhere during that time I began to feel like I had lost "Melody" or wasn't seeking to find out who "Melody" was supposed to be. Utterly unhappy. Desperately wanting acceptance from anyone...and needing it from everyone. I have this fear of being rejected. I believe that after high school (maybe even before that) satan began to attack my thoughts...and I let him. I began to believe that I could not graduate college, my voice was nothing special, people would reject me if they really heard my thoughts, and of course that I was a terrible cook and would never successfully make a chicken pot pie. Well, enough is enough. God really got ahold of my heart...and not in the "oh that feels so good God! Thank you for disciplining me!" way. Through a series of unpleasant circumstances I saw so clearly. Satan had actually gotten me to feel sorry for myself everyday!! What in the world! How did that happen? Self-pity...my weakness.
I began to realize that things weren't happening "to me". I realized that my way of thinking was so off from His thoughts of me. Slowly, I began seeing the lies. Oh they are such ugly pathetic lies too. I mean, really? I had a friend share with me the promises God had already fulfilled in my life. She said I need to practice being thankful for those things that had not happened yet...but fully trust that God would not leave me desolate. By fully trust I mean fully let go of my expectations of what God should or should not do in my life. It was such a hard lesson. I mean we pray...we ask...we seek...but do we really every just say "Your will be done" and mean it with every part of our hearts? I'll answer that for you...NO.
So here we are...back in the present time (you look much better in your bathing suit by the way). Austin has once again been asked to leave his family in order to serve our country. We got a solid two months of adjusting to living together again and enjoying our marriage. My first response to his deployment news was something like this..."WHAT THA BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!" and then "WHY GOD?" and then "bleep bleep bleep" and finally..."Ok, Lord your will be done." And every day I thank him for this circumstance. I must be crazy right? Well, I am not going back to feeling sorry for myself. I fight it every day and it will not ruin my life anymore. Yes, I dislike my job, being alone here in GA, and going to a church where no one knows my name. But slowly I am finding that God is truly blessing me in this time. Just when I say to myself "I can't do it"...God says, "Melody, you ARE doing it".
My decision to go back to school and pursue my LPN was not without a lot of prayer. But the answer was so clear to me. I've been out of high school for almost 7 years. For seven years I have told myself I would never go back...I would always fail. My favorite thing to do is take care of people. So nursing seemed so perfect. Be careful when you say you will never do something because it may just be satan trying to pull you away from the things that would fill your life with joy.
Currently, I work at a call center. While I am thankful for getting some type of job in this little town....it drives me to get back in to school so I can finally do something I love. Sometimes being comfortable isn't God's way. Actually most of the time it isn't God's way. Are you comfortable? Because if you are apathetic and comfortable I would say to you..."BEWARE OF LIFE CRISIS AND HARD TIMES". God will surely do something to get your attention.
I want to know Jesus. I want to push through these 5 months without Austin and open up my heart to learn the things God wants me to learn. I appreciate all of your prayers. I simply can not tell you how grateful I am for the notes, messages, phone calls and skypes I have received. I am truly blessed.
Love you all!!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Unbelief
"Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us..." -Ruthless Trust
One day last spring I was at work at Rutherford Academy. I had a student keep telling me that there was a bird in the closet. Well, that wasn't the craziest thing I'd heard all day but I could not hear it. All day he would peek through a tiny hole and say "I SEE IT MRS. SMITH!" Finally, I got up and entertained the thought that there could quite possibly be a bird in a closet that was never opened and stayed locked all the time. So I peeked through that tiny hole. I could not see it but I heard flapping of wings. "There is a bird in there!", I exclaimed. My student just looked at me, as if I was the one who had previously kicked a desk over that day, rolled around on the floor and refused to listen. He said, "I've been saying that ALL DAY! You should have listened the first time!" I laughed to myself and thought how ironic it was for him to say that to me and for him to be right!
So I went and got the lead teacher of our class. He seemed rugged enough to capture and free a bird. After all, he did ride his bike to work...like....20 miles....until he got hit and his bike broke. True story. We asked the class to be very quiet so as not to startle this poor bird any more than it was. He put on gloves (safety first!) and slowly opened the door. I'll never forget that little bird. I saw it's face frozen in fear, it's wings still just waiting. So Mr. lead teacher reached in and grabbed him. I have never heard a bird cry until that day. Literally it was like a small whimper cry that just made me shudder. We had opened the window and he just let it go. At first, it just hopped out and looked around like...what is going on? After a few minutes of being dazed it finally realized it was a bird and could fly. I will never forget watching it fly away.
So how is any of this relevant? I have no clue. I just wanted to tell the story.
Kidding. Well, some may think it is about the bird being freed from it's dark room of terror. Others may think it's about the bird not knowing which direction to go once it was freed. Or maybe you relate to the scared bird, frozen in fear at the mercy of a man with gloves. For me, this story is about my unbelief. Common sense did not lead me to believe that there was any way possible for a bird to be stuck in a closet that was never opened. I ignored it all day long. Then, I never believed anyone would actually touch it. Next, I never believed that it would stay still long enough to be caught. Then again when I saw him stumbling around not flying I wondered if it was too late for this little guy. It wasn't until it actually took off that I believed that bird would be ok.
In my own spiritual walk, unbelief leads to not trusting a God who is capable of more than anything I could ever ask or think. We all "hope" things turn out ok...but do we really believe?I was given a book called Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. I am realizing that even in my darkest moments I serve a God who has promised life to me. No matter what, if we trust him daily and thank him daily for whatever circumstances we wake up to...He will keep his promise. It is our untrusting hearts that keep us from experiencing God's love fully. To be continually thankful is the beginning of trusting God. So I thank Him in advance for the things I can not see, the things I don't understand, the hard circumstances, the hurt, having no air in my car on a hot day, and the gift of being alive. I believe by doing this I will learn more and more to trust my life to the God who created me. And I KNOW this is all apart of my story. I know how it ends too....Jesus has overcome to world. Somehow my life will be used to tell HIS story.
"To be grateful for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of interior desolation, to trust in the love of God in the face of marvels, cruel circumstances, obscenities, and commonplaces of life is to whisper a doxology (praise) in darkness" -B. Manning
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I love the sound of His name. I am learning that who I am in me is so broken...but in him...I am more because of Jesus. I don't think you can completely know the comfort that comes from speaking his name until you are in a place of discomfort. I had a sweet friend explain to me that in the midst of chaos we can speak his promises and thank him for what he will do.
"For if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right and trust your lives to the God who created you for he will never fail you." 1 peter 4:19
You see!! He has already gone before us! He created us and He loves us! So take on whatever you fear the most..and claim that all the "what ifs" will be promises God will fulfill in His time and for His glory.
I know this blog is oddly short for me (well, I'm pretty short but not when I write...lol). I just wanted to share this song and encourage you to keep moving because He has given us authority and power to oppose the traps satan has set for our lives through the sweet name of JESUS.
Love, Mel
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Situations of Silence
Silence. It can be a scary sound. Waiting. An equally frightening feeling. When there is nothing concrete, this is what we say and feel. Sometimes it's all we can. You feel everything, and yet nothing. Someone asks how you are and you have no idea how to respond or if they really want to know. Everything you know is about to change. The trust you say you have in a faithful God seems like it's not enough for this. In our brokenness the only thing we trust is silence. It's there whether we want it to be or not. We can somewhat control it. That's empowering. We can choose to be silent or speak up. We can choose to hear the silence or turn on the t.v. It can be acknowledged or ignored. It can be a feeling of defeat or one of conquer. But when God seems silent.....our plea for loudness grows. I don't doubt for a second He sees my silent tears. And when I can not speak, His silence can defend me. Because I know that His silence is greater than my words. I'm beginning to believe that silence may be our greatest gift. When we don't know what to say...He has the opportunity. Whether it be with words or stillness...He is made known.
On the other end, NOISE. God gave us the gift of words and sometimes we just waste them. We use them to destroy instead of build. I'm starting to believe that when we are in situations of silence, God is speaking.
I'm in a situation of silence. My emotions change with every second. I am wondering what the heck God is doing. haha. Just being honest! There is nothing to lean on at this point. I sit in silence more these days than I EVER have in my life. My eyes stare off in to space and even now the words just don't come. Lately, I contemplate relationships. I notice people I once knew, float away. Life changes us, grows us and people leave. We leave. We are leaving. I grasp for everything I once felt comfortable with or apart of, only to find that wasn't forever either. I think of the lives I invested in or the places I knew would always be "that way". But when I go back there, even if it's just in my mind...I realize just how little control I had/have. Things we build fall apart. Does it mean it's for nothing? Not if it was done in the name of Jesus. Not if I loved with His love. But to believe that everything remains the same is foolish. Time to start over...and I imagine I'll be starting over a lot. That's ok. That probably means more silence...and more trusting God.
I am thankful for the people who gather around me when I am silent- my husband, my families, my dog Mercie. : ) In their acceptance of my silence I hear love. And I learn to love other people in theirs.
And I am learning to let go of the past and reach out to the future. I am thankful that God believes in Austin and I enough to separate us from what we know to use us somewhere else. He must know we can do it. He must have great things in store. He has to have great faith that we will have faith in Him. And He must be able to take care of the people we love here.
Situations of silence can have many different roots. I have a feeling I am not the only one. Just trust that if we are believing God for an answer, this is enough. Who knows, it may be MORE than enough. ; )
On the other end, NOISE. God gave us the gift of words and sometimes we just waste them. We use them to destroy instead of build. I'm starting to believe that when we are in situations of silence, God is speaking.
I'm in a situation of silence. My emotions change with every second. I am wondering what the heck God is doing. haha. Just being honest! There is nothing to lean on at this point. I sit in silence more these days than I EVER have in my life. My eyes stare off in to space and even now the words just don't come. Lately, I contemplate relationships. I notice people I once knew, float away. Life changes us, grows us and people leave. We leave. We are leaving. I grasp for everything I once felt comfortable with or apart of, only to find that wasn't forever either. I think of the lives I invested in or the places I knew would always be "that way". But when I go back there, even if it's just in my mind...I realize just how little control I had/have. Things we build fall apart. Does it mean it's for nothing? Not if it was done in the name of Jesus. Not if I loved with His love. But to believe that everything remains the same is foolish. Time to start over...and I imagine I'll be starting over a lot. That's ok. That probably means more silence...and more trusting God.
I am thankful for the people who gather around me when I am silent- my husband, my families, my dog Mercie. : ) In their acceptance of my silence I hear love. And I learn to love other people in theirs.
And I am learning to let go of the past and reach out to the future. I am thankful that God believes in Austin and I enough to separate us from what we know to use us somewhere else. He must know we can do it. He must have great things in store. He has to have great faith that we will have faith in Him. And He must be able to take care of the people we love here.
Situations of silence can have many different roots. I have a feeling I am not the only one. Just trust that if we are believing God for an answer, this is enough. Who knows, it may be MORE than enough. ; )
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Hey ya'll! WOW it's been like almost 2 months since I've updated this thing! I guess that makes me a slacker??
I can definitely say that I am experiencing a very wide range of emotions! Knowing that this season of separation from my husband is coming to a close- I am overjoyed! But knowing that I will leave behind the ones that love me most is very hard. I find myself laughing and enjoying people and all of the sudden a deep sadness is felt in the pit of my stomach. I keep saying, "God we thought this was a good idea, why again?".
My niece Kate took her first steps last week. She is three and special needs. When I went to see her walk and she took her first steps to me....I smiled on the outside but on the inside I realized that she will continue to grow and I may not be here to see that. Finding things out via phone calls or facebook takes second to seeing her sweet spirit fight for the life God has for her. Layla, the newest addition to the Benton family...is an explosion of personality. Being able to bond with her as she grows is priceless. Layla will accomplish anything and everything she wants to do. She will love her sister and her family. She will bring laughter and healing. And though we may be apart for a season, we will always have a special bond. Her love for music, dancing and laughter will be enough to bring us together every time we see eachother.
Luca, ahh my sweet Luca. Another story of God's faithfulness. When Luca was first adopted by Jen and Paul I did not think that being a big part of his life would ever be realistic. Jennifer has been my mentor for a long time. Being able to give the love she gave me to the heart that beats outside her chest is amazing. He is my buddy. God has taken this tiny soul and used it to hug me, love me, and allow me to do the same for him while Austin has been away. In my heart he is an irreplaceable gift that God brought to me when I needed it the most.
Initially my thoughts for the little ones above and the ones not mentioned was, "but God, what will they do without me? How will their hearts hurt when I am gone?" God spoke to me and reminded me that HE is their God. He has given them all they need and more to succeed on their journeys. The real question is "God, what will I do without them?". See the truth is...I probably need them more than they do me.
I have lived here my entire life. While my dreams have always been to travel and experience different cultures and people...I am terrified! Isn't it what God has for us that scares us the most? What if I am not good enough? What if I fail? I guess I'll keep that dream hidden inside...just incase I experience rejection. Austin and I do not want our lives to be full of "what if"? I have envisioned what our lives would have been had we not joined the AF. Honestly, I see two sad people sitting on a couch having the "why didn't we?" conversation. That to me is more tragic than leaving. I'd say there are parts of who I am that have been idle...also tragic. I found myself looking at a picture of my little kid self...man if I could talk to her. First of all, I'd hug her (me). I would tell her so many things. If she's anything like me...she'd cry...(lol). Then we'd sing together...probably a combination of Sandi Patty meets Katy Perry. HAHA.
Did you know womens brains are like spaghetti noodles? Guys are more like waffles. We can think of a million things at once. Kind of like this entry....random noodles everywhere!
I have a GEORGIA DREAM SHEET. I made it in order to be able to set goals and get excited!
1. Find a church family. Actively sing in that church every chance they will let me
2. For our home to be a safe place...a place people find comfort...a place we can minister...a place we learn more about Jesus.
3. To be involved in the lives of the women there. No matter what it cost me, I want to love them. I want to be light walking in to a potentially dark and sad place.
4. To see an alligator cross the street... : )
5. Take a few photography classes at Valdosta st.
6. Battle people on xbox kinect dance central!
7. Mercie to make doggie friends at the dog park
8. To learn to cook for Austin (for real people!)
9. Find a way to worship in every circumstance, every hard time, when doubts are heavier than hope.
10. Have a job I love as much as I loved working at Rutherford.
11. To build special intentional relationships with people who have no hope.
12. To believe God. (I believe IN God...but sometimes I don't believe Him. Ya know?)
13. and MORE!
I also have a Georgia play list in the making on my Itunes
1. God is God -Steven Curtis Chapman
2.Moment made for worshipping -S.c.c
3. I will follow- Chris Tomlin
4. Seasons - Natalie Grant
5. Time in between - Francesca Battistelli
6. Who am I living for- Katy Perry
7.Go hard- Rebel
8. These hard times- Needtobreathe
9.Come Away With Me- Norah Jones
10. Feels Like Reign- UnNamed Servant
....there will be more! I will be listening to this mix on my drive to GA! Hopefully it will calm my spirit!
Thanks for reading ya'll!! Austin and I cherish your prayers. We will be moving Feb. 19th. He will be home from tech school on the third of February! Love you all!!
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