Hope. It is a word that I hold dear this Christmas. This past year has held more trials and character altering circumstances than any year in my life. I am so thankful for the hard times, the loneliness and the times I felt like I was walking on a tight rope, about to fall at any second. Every day I wake up and question my faith. Why? I live in a terminal state of "what ifs" and doubt. Very rarely do I just sit and empty my mind of the irrational thoughts. Jesus has literally saved me from myself more times than I can count.
I haven't written in awhile. I've learned boundaries and just because I feel it doesn't mean I should air it out to society. Some things should just be kept sacred. But there is a balance, and there is a part of Melody that desires to share my heart.
So what do I say? What could I possibly say to Jesus except "thank you". When asked for my Christmas list this year I just could not think of anything I had to have. That is WEIRD if you know me. The only explanation is that I have received so many blessing while feeling so unworthy this past year. How could I ask for more? I have my husband, which will always bring tears to my eyes. Being a military family and being separated sheds a new light on what is important. I have my family. They believed in me for so long and even now they stand beside me...cheering me on...with my track record being to crumble when it gets too hard. I have Austin's family, who are not obligated to love me but they do any ways. I have a few friends here in GA that have unknowingly been my angels, just loving me. I have two beautiful nieces that still remember me and Austin. To hear them say "Mu" just melts my heart. A hug from Kate could take away a thousand tears. A laugh from Layla helps you believe there is good in life. These things I can share because they are gifts from Jesus. I treasure them.
Getting in to the nursing program was the goal...and the Lord has helped me through testing anxiety, feeling that I would die (literally...lol),feelings of inadequacy, and the list goes on and on. When I found out I got in to my program I was like "NO WAY...NO WAY...HOW?" And then I was like "OH GOSH CAN I DO THIS?". Which was followed by, "WHAT IF I FAIL?" And the words of my father seep deep in to my mind "If you fail, you are no worse off than before. You just get back on the horse".
I have three exams on Wednesday that I am terrified of doing poorly on. I have above average grades in all three classes but "WHAT IF, BLAH BLAH BLAH". I actually just finished studying. But it never feels like it's enough. Sometimes when you have failed before, you forget you are capable of succeeding. I think I am genuinely surprised when I get good grades. I jump around like a kid shouting "I DID IT!". I appreciate that though. To feel that "I DID IT" emotion is better than shopping! Sadly, it is followed by "what if I don't do so well on the next thing?"...ahh the power of thoughts. I'm working on controlling those. Me and Jesus talk about that a lot. He says, "Why do you feel inadequate?" and I say, "I don't know! You tell me!" and then He says, "I love you."
In conclusion, I can thank my computer teacher for this entry. She read aloud to the class a small discussion on Access software that I wrote. She wrote me me a little something that reminded me that I should share more often. Even with this next year being in a nursing school coma, I will attempt to keep you readers up to date with this life Jesus is molding. :)
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