Tuesday, August 14, 2012

She's in shock!

Tonight I feel like writing. It isn't often I get a chance to take a break but this week has been a good opportunity for me to get my thoughts straight. I think one of the challenges of being in such an all consuming program is that sometimes you push your thoughts, desires, relationships and more aside to succeed. I knew the price when I entered and I know God is faithful...always. Today I volunteered for a paramedic and EMT state practical skills exam. I was a patient with bruises and a broken femur!I had been thrown from a car! I was also unconscious. I must admit it was pretty fun. But laying there I thought,"wow this is so fake for me but so real for somebody at this very moment". As the training paramedics announced I was going in to shock I thought, "these guys will save someone's life! How cool is that!" But this is what our profession is faced with every day - life and death. In order to see the value of a life saved we must also see death, dying and suffering. My teacher said that you can not be a emotionally stable nurse unless you deal with your own mortality. What does that mean? Well, to know that just like our patients lives were thrown off course, ours could be as well without a moments notice. We can not escape the reality that this life on earth will end and we do not know when. I've had a lot of fears about this and still do as I write this. I have many fears as those of your who are close to me know. There are days I would choose to live in the house than go to the store because WHAT IF a storm comes? I panic a lot. The worse case scenario floods my mind and I can't shake it. When I confide in people most say, "well, fear is the opposite of faith!" or "what's so bad about dying? You'll be in heaven!". Hmmm, this doesn't really fix this mentality of thinking. Are those things true? Yes. If I say it over and over will I begin to believe it? Probably not. What does work is when I say, "God has a plan for my life." I know this! Surrender is such a hard thing. That's what I struggle with. Surrendering my own desire for control for His. Life is messy but there are times when we look back and say, "No that was a beautiful time in my life". Those moments help me remember I serve a sovereign Lord who designed me for a purpose. Do I fall short? Yes. Does he use me anyways? Absolutely. Will there be messy times when I say "what the helicopter is going on and what am I doing?" YES. But because I know Jesus there will be a time following that of a chance to minister, a chance to grow in character and a chance to embrace the life I have been given. So now you know I have a bit of an anxiety disorder which include fears of : driving in the rain, leaving the dogs for too long, leaving the coffee pot on and the house burning down, being stranded on the side of the road at night, dying of some mysterious illness I haven't quite pinpointed yet other than I always have it (LOL), taking antibiotics because they can cause steven-johnson's syndrome, and the list goes on and on! haha. But each day I will thank God for the life he has given me, for the lessons I have learned and will learn and the chance to breathe everyday. And when my time is up (in 80 years..just sayin) I will rejoice with my Savior who has never left me or forsaken me! I am also thankful for those in my life who embrace this part of me and work with me to think differently. I know I can not be the only one who feels this way...so if it's you...YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Let's start a club! haha. Love ya'll!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Redeemed

‎"Redeemed ... "to pay the full amount owed so as to secure the release of the debtor from the Debtor's Prison." (literal translation at the time of Christ). Praise God, I've been Redeemed!

Dad posted this on my face book today and it hit my heart. "Debtor's prison" rang so true to the mindset I was in a year ago. To feel so trapped in your own sin, selfish thinking, and pity is definitely a prison. And yet, in His perfect timing He reached in to my life and pulled me to His chest and said "this isn't what you were created for" and I cried. I never asked Him how he would fix this....this brokenness. Truly, I was so desperate I clung to whatever He said and said "thank you Jesus for going before me!" It was truly like he had been searching for his little lost sheep. I believe I had a lot of heart issues. My heart was not in him, it was in me. Well, it's still in me (pulse 66...lol) but my love is for Him. What breaks His heart breaks mine because we are one. I have looked around at the suffering around me and I couldn't figure out why I was so sad for them. Yes, empathy is a gift I have but tears all day? Tonight I realized I am shedding the tears He is shedding, my heart breaks for the lost as His does...because when he redeemed me....he took my broken heart and made it His.

I want the ones I love, even the ones I don't like that much (being honest here!) to experience that. Sometimes I want to grab someone's hand and say "you're not alone". Most of the time it's Brittanie's hand because she's the only one at school that won't let go. Yeah, I get it..it makes people feel weird. But really, what I'm saying is "I love you. He loves you. We are not alone." I literally can be walking with Mercie, see a sweet old man walking his laps and have a overwhelming desire to hold his hand and say "Hi, you are not alone." (Are you thinking safety issues?? Well, I do too which is why I didn't do that.) This is a new thing for me. Actually it just started this past year, an overwhelming desire to hold people's hands while they talk to me or physically embrace them. A classmate came up to me the other day and gave me a hug. She said "You always give them out so I thought I'd give you one." Oh, my heart flipped with joy! It DOES feel good to be embraced and be told we are not alone. A teacher hugged me in the hall today for no apparent reason, not knowing how heavy my heart was today. There's freedom in an embrace. For that moment we feel connected....saved....

I believe that is how redemption feels. I believe that is what Jesus longs for us to feel everyday. Redeeming power. Endless love. Hope for the broken because of Jesus' sacrifice.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Old jacket, squeaky car and five dollars

So there are a few times in my life when a lightbulb goes off and tears fill my eyes. During that moment I think...I must write about this! It doesn't happen as often as I'd like but days like today help me remember how loved I am. Here's the story....

Today was a typical day. I wanted to get out and get some errands done since yesterday was apparently a holiday? Who knew! Grocery shopping was on my to-do list which normally consists of fighting the crowd at the(kind of gross) Wal-mart in Valdosta, waiting in line for 30 minutes and feeling like I must use hand sanitizer the minute I get in to the car! Haha. But not today. My husband texts me while I am waiting in line at the bank. "Hey, what are you doing? Could you bring me my basketball shoes?", read the text. And he's so sweet...how could I say no? So I go home, get his shoes and make my way towards base. While I am on base I decide to go to the commissary (which I never do). I am a creature of habit and Wal-mart has been my shopping place for almost four years! Anyways, I make my rounds at the store where I am pleasantly surprised by the selection and prices. I also love that there are not crowds of people fighting over the boxed dinners, carts stopped in the center of the isle, or people bumping in to me every 5 seconds. I love this! I go to the check out and remember they have baggers at this Commissary and it is polite to tip them when they help you out to your car. "Can you break this 20 for me please?",I ask the cashier. My bagger was an older asian woman who spoke little english. On our way out she commented on how cold it was outside. She had a thin jacket on over her work clothes. "I must get a bigger jacket!", she said with a smile. Followed by, "You're jacket is so nice and thick."(It's five years old and I think it smells funny). As we approach the car I am shocked when she says this, "WOW, you are doing so well for a young person! You're car is so nice!" You may ask why I am shocked. Well, Austin and I do have a nice car...2008 Ford Edge. And we are very blessed to have a 95 honda civic with a bad tint job that is paid for and runs nicely. However, it is not the nicest to look at. "Yeah?....", is all I can get out. As she shuts the trunk I hand her a five dollar bill. Her eyes fill with tears and she holds it to her chest and says ,"five dollars! You have just made my day!"

I pull out of the parking lot, tears streaming down my face. Not because I am so moved that I gave her five dollars (yay me) but because so often I forget how much I have been given.

Austin and I watched a documentary the other night called "A day in the life". People all over the world sent in footage from their day on July 24th 2010. It was compiled in to a very artistic film that I enjoyed. We talked afterwards about how we forget how other people live. I forget this is not the only way of life. I forget that having money in our pockets makes us wealthy compared to the poverty of this world. I forget that "my world" is not everyone else's. It makes you sad when you realize the worries of your day are not worries in comparison to the people going through garbage to eat or showering with one cup of dirty water. ...or a sweet old lady who thinks your 95 honda with no air...funny smells and bad tinting is so nice. ...because maybe she doesn't have one at all.

My prayer is that I never forget how blessed I am. I want to continuously thank God for every drink of water, hot showers and the opportunity to give back.

I gave her a hug before she walked away and it seemed she was even more thankful for that. She doesn't know it, but her thankful spirit was contagious today.