Around the corner....

Hello! It has been a few weeks since my last post. I guess sometimes my brain goes on auto pilot. I have one thing on my mind -Austin. lol. It's funny how even when we are apart, in my mind we are together. The days go by and I think of what we may be doing if he were here...or how he would play with Mercie...or what I would attempt to cook. Regardless, it is like trying to fly with one wing. For a little while you may find your balance to glide, but the wind blows and all of the sudden you are pissed your other wing is missing. HA.

I spent a week in Biloxi this week with my husband. Who knew a little hotel room with a ghetto t.v. could become home? I had to buy a bath tub stopper to take a bath…can't go without those! : ) Yes, I am addicted to baths. It's weird. It's like the world stops. I wonder if anyone else has this same obsession. Anyways, we got a call the Monday I got there that Russ (Austin's dad) had a 100% blockage in his widow maker. He was admitted to ICU and taken to Vanderbilt where he underwent open heart surgery the next morning. To make a long story short- GOD completely protected Russ. The tickets were also double to fly out the days after Monday. It was a another miracle for me to be with Austin during that time. He could not leave because of school and would have probably driven to Nashville without thinking twice! His dad asked him not to…so of course he listened. Russ came out of surgery well and was sent home a couple of days ago. It will be along recovery for him. We are so grateful for his life.

Today my niece Kate went in to brain surgery. She has seizures and this procedure is used to help control/stop them. She is an angel. There have been days I have just been hurting inside. Kate crawls up to me almost every time and just sits in my lap, lays on me or gives me exactly what I feel God would give me if he were a tiny 3 year old girl. : ) I have witnessed her sensitivity to others feelings around her on numerous occasions. She has a gift. I am praying for her today. Remembering the joy her life truly is and how lucky I am to be her Aunt Mu.

Three weeks until Christmas. "Dear Santa, could you please let this FLY by? I think I may be on your naughty list but I'll be good I swear!" This will be the sweetest Christmas. Austin will be home with his entire family. It's been since June that we have all been together. I can't even think of Christmas presents because he is my gift this year! Although I know he wants an IPAD so I'm taking donations. lol. Christmas Eve at the Opryland hotel has always been a tradition. This year I think Russ may be catered to and rolled around in one of their golden wheel chairs! Hopefully he will feel up to the outing. It can get kinda crazy around there! Regardless, it will be a very special time. I may just go buy some green and red construction paper and make my very own countdown to Austin chain! -loved those when I was little. (sigh). : )

Well, got a couple hours until my flight. I always get a little nervous. I never get nervous getting in to a car going 70 with a hundred cars flying past me. Conditioning. I guess I'm not conditioned to flying yet. It just makes me nervous. I always pray that angels would sit on the wings, fix the engines and land the plane safely. Once i get on I am fine. It's the waiting. BLEH. Hmmm waiting….the theme of my life these days!

By the way, we get to move to Valdosta, GA middle of February. Never in my life would I think I would be excited about moving to a completely new place. Change isn't my thing. But I guess God has changed my heart. I can't wait! Bring on this place two hours from the beach and people I've never met, things I've never done and a life with my husband once again! WHOOHOOO!

Dear God....

Lately, I have had some precious conversations. I can not express to you the hearts that I have seen lately. Their stories have LITERALLY brought me to my knees. My soul rejoices in their longing for Christ but weeps for the pain they have seen. I'm telling you that it hasn't been just one person...it has been MANY. Wow, this world is so full of injustice. When I listen to their words I just hear tragedy. Often times after the conversation is over I just sit there and think..."Why God? Why not me? Why them? This is everywhere isn't it?" So many times I am praying in my head while they speak, "What am I supposed to do? Why am I hearing this? What do you want from me?" Most of the time this is the answer I hear very clearly, "Melody, no one is praying for them. They have not one person that lifts them up daily." Then I think of the people in my life who must lift me up daily. The people who love me. I think God is showing me the ones He loves, the ones that cry, the ones that have feel so alone...the ones that are forgotten.

When I think back to Austin and I's first conversation about the Air Force I can remember specifically saying, "I want God to send me women I can minister to in the Air Force". That was always the small voice in my heart. I thought that maybe when we got to out first base I would start a Bible study or just be the light to other women in the same situation. But from the moment Austin left, it's like a SLEW (love that word) of opportunities to talk to women opened up. And sometimes I wonder if they have taught me more than I have them. I am now a witness to how powerful prayer really is....

I keep a prayer journal for my husband. It's mainly very specific things that I pray for everyday but sometimes I just talk to God. I have about 20 prayer journals I've kept through the years. I went through them the other night and realized that I NEVER prayed for anything specific. I just rambled. Did I think God wouldn't hear me? Or did I just not have anything specific to pray about? Let me tell you that since I have been writing down very specific detailed prayers, answers have been flowing in like a river. It has been the coolest thing ever. Literally I am marking things off my list with the answers provided written next to them. And it's not like a Christmas list either...lol. For instance, one day I wrote "Please send a person to Austin today that is in need. Allow Austin to use his gifts to minister to them." Austin called me later that afternoon and said "The coolest thing just happened! I helped a guy change his flat tire and we got to talk about Jesus!" I laughed because that's not at all what I had an image of when I prayed for that, but it completely was an answer to my prayers. Another funny example...I know that Austin loves to run but once he got in to school the work just over loaded him and he felt like he did not have time. The PT (exercising with the group of other tech students in the morning) was a joke. There were so many of them that the leaders basically put no effort in to their conditioning. So I prayed and prayed "Lord please give him the motivation to run. He NEEDS to de-stress this way!". For a few weeks nothing happened. Just recently Austin was moved into block three. He is on something called T-shift. Which is 3 in the afternoon to 12 at night. Listen to this, Austin still has to PT, but it is with a very small group of tech students. The leaders work them very hard and he actually HAS TO RUN! WHAT? Another surprising answer to a prayer!

The list goes on and on...but my point is....if our prayers are not redundant and boring (how would you like it if someone you loved said the exact same thing to you every single day?) the fruit will speak for God's power in itself. I am so thankful that I serve a God who hears my heart when I pour it out honestly and fervently. I do not think he will always answer me the way I want or plan...actually I hope he doesn't because his ideas and ways are MUCH better than mine!

Thanks for all of you who have prayed for Austin and I as well. We are half way through and have already felt the power of your prayers.

VOICE

Sometimes I just want a voice. I just want to know that what I have to say, what I feel...matters. Maybe that's why I have this blog. Because I am too scared to hear the sound of voices that don't agree or tell me that I am wrong. I can just write and be heard (or not heard). Sometimes I am so scared to just SAY IT. I just hold it in, soak it in, breathe in the lie that I will not be heard the way I intended to be heard. Silently, a little piece of me dies. My friend calls it "little murders".

Today I went shopping. I saw a man on the corner wearing jeans and a nice jacket over his white shirt. All of the sudden he busts out in full dance mode. I was so glad to be sitting at that red light. I just laughed and laughed because he was so sane looking and then all of the sudden he wasn't! He saw me smiling, pointed at me and mouthed "This is for you". Then he proceeded to do a move I can't describe. I just laughed so hard. I thought, that's what life is all about. Who cares why he is out there! He's making people smile! It was like seeing a little color in this gray world. That's what I want my voice to be. Colorful. Different. I'm sure people rolled their eyes at him, thought he was crazy, ignored him, called him stupid....but I saw life. It's not often I see someone dancing on the street in front of a busy mall. I guess if my voice is in comparison to that man...then everyone will have a different reaction.

There's something special about the way I think. I know I have a different outlook. Sometimes I wish people weren't so closed minded. I don't understand when people always think they are right. If it's not what they feel or believe it deserves a slap down. I WANT to know different opinions. I want to see things from all sides. I love talking to people who have a challenging question or a point of view I never thought of...I like to think "hey maybe I was wrong about that!" I never want to be old and stuck. LOL. Stuck in a way of thinking that never ever changes. A place where I think I know everything about everything. I always want to be the first to say...teach me. I never want my voice to be so loud I can't hear others or His. But right now my voice sounds shaky. It sounds frustrated. Because I am VERY frustrated. I feel like my voice won't come out most of the time. Which leaves me mute and sad. I know why. But I can't tell you that either. Haha.

Austin used to call me a locked safe. He said he could look at me and see a million things running through my mind behind my eyes but he could never get me to just say it. After lots of hard work and practice..it feels like he is the key to my safe. : ) Once i started talking I found that he listened...and cared...even if it wasn't his point of view. Even now I just talk and talk and he is like..."whoa slow down! I have no idea what you mean"...but he listens through his own ideas, his own way of viewing things. Then he says "I'm glad you see things that way even if I don't." I want to be like him....i want to give other people the chance to be heard like he hears me. I love my husband. Thank you Jesus.

I miss him. I miss the voice I have when I am with him. I want to have that voice now but maybe I just have to fight through some fears and lies to get there. Maybe it'll be a good thing.

Let's talk about FAT

Ok ladies, this is your heart. I know every single one of you (except my mom maybe) looks in the mirror and see that FATTY MCFATTERSON staring back at you. So I have never ever written about this subject because I don't want people to think I think I'm fat. It's one of those "keeping it together" things. But come on....if I didn't write about it who would? No one wants to admit they scrutinize over food, exercise to stop the guilt, or look in the mirror at the flaws and get very very angry.....only to find that maybe brownies could stop the pain! YES that's what I need! BROWNIES! haha.

So I have been watching the show "Ruby" since it aired. I LOVE HER. I'm sure anyone struggling with their weight LOVES her. How could you not? She's putting her fat, her fight and her face all over the world! Why? I believe it is to inspire and to bring a voice to something that we all deal with so silently. So as I watched today the last episode of season 2 all I wanted to do was hug her. She has a heart. Every overweight person has a heart. That sounds harsh. But this society scrutinizes and stares, calls them names behind closed doors, and thanks GOD we don't look THAT fat! But what I see is brokenness. I see a person hurting and this is their shield. She is realizing that her eating disorder comes from emotional scars, emptiness is areas she doesn't fully understand yet. How scary would it be if we all took a look at ourselves and said "Why do I do that?". What if we all went on a mission to dig up pain and hurt...then deal with it.

Some of you may not understand why I can even empathize with her. People normally see "little" when they look at me. When I thought about when I started to feel "fat" I remember the third grade. That would make me, what like 8? Jen (Mrs. C) can remember complimenting me one day in the lunch room before school. She said I looked pretty and she liked my outfit. My response? "No I don't. I look fat!" I chuckle now because it was so out of character for an 8 year old to say those words. I'm not sure what happened. I don't know why I started viewing myself that way. I don't know why I got chubby. I don't know when the obsession started or why. I just remember it started and it hasn't stopped. Have there been times when I knew I looked good on the outside? Yes. But on the inside I was tortured...counting every bite. See, looking skinny doesn't solve the problem either. It's so much deeper. Maybe in the third grade I realized that people were mean. Maybe my innocence was shaken and I got scared. I've always been sensitive and the world wasn't fitting in to the picture I had painted of this colorful rainbow world full of Jesus. lol. I started doubting myself. What if I wasn't good enough? What if people didn't love me? I was even scared to sing. What if my voice wasn't good enough? It makes me very sad to think that God gave me a gift, a voice, and I was so terrified that I hid it. I am still hiding it. Anyone heard me sing lately? It's a shame isn't it? Well, I'm working on that. I can't let satan poo poo face steal my talent. I only sing when I feel safe. But I want to sing when I feel scared, anytime any place. Everyone hides. But I can't anymore. Because Melody will die if I hide. I can't let that happen.

Lately, I just want to relay that "they have hearts". That's what I hear in my head all the time. My sister in law has two adopted children (not white! GASP!). When I hear stories of people giving her looks or staring my blood fuels. See, these babies have HEARTS. When I see a homeless person and I hear snide remarks I just fall apart inside. Even mean people have hearts. Crazy people have hearts. Obese people have hearts. White snotty Americans have hearts. Your horrible co worker...yep...theirs beats too. Instead of shutting them out what if we ministered to their hearts? You hear minister and you hear "give the poor money, amuse the crazy, or give the heavy lady a gift certificate to Arby's" but that's how satan has our minds working. There is so much MORE. Simply open your heart and you'll minister to theirs. It's like a game of dominos. It's so simple but it drastically changes lives. YOUR HEART. Yes, your heart is the answer. If you don't feel anything...you haven't even begun to help them. There is a secret in their hearts that only YOUR heart can unlock.

This blog isn't about weight loss. It's about the life Jesus came to give us. He doesn't tell us that we might have life...he says we WILL HAVE LIFE. He tells us who we are. Our addictions and obsessions can not be cured by our own hand...it is truly a healing process through Jesus Christ. Our image of perfection has to start to look like Jesus...not skinny people, rich people or those who seem to have their stuff together. It has to start looking like a heart. We have to go deeper everyday. Then Jesus will become BIGGER than the BIG you see in the mirror. : )

Blindsided

Aren't we all wanted? Doesn't Christ call us to love...even if we don't agree with their lifestyles? By love I don't mean pity or judge, by love I do not mean handing them a piece of paper that has John 3:16 on it, by love I don't mean smiling and then talking about them to your friends. By love I mean literally seeing a person created fully by God, by love I mean spending time with them in order to understand their hearts, by love I mean putting our standards aside. I understand that we all have gifts and different ways of ministering but there is one thing that should remain the same in all of us....we are no better than them. Our choices do not give us the right to place someone in the corner. I speak to myself when I say all of this.

This morning I fell asleep on the couch waiting for Luca to wake up. I did not pray this morning. I did not get up on the right side of the bed. I did not eat my breakfast without spilling something. I did nothing to deserve anything. And then this happened- I dreamed that I was asleep on the couch (which I was) and that there was an angel standing beside the arm rest. It was one of those half awake and half asleep moments. I knew I was dreaming but I also knew it was a replica of what was actually happening. So yeah, it was weird. Anyways, this angel in my dream leaned over and I could feel breath on my neck. It wasn't a soft breath either. It was firm and gentle at the same time. I heard the air hit my ears. Then I felt so warm, like I was wrapped up in arms. Now, excuse it away if you must, but I can not. Because it changed me. I dream a lot and they never really change a way of thinking for me. I woke up completely different then when I fell asleep. I woke up in tears. A weight was lifted and I could breathe. I knew at that moment that I really WASN'T alone. I wasn't afraid because I knew that if that was what heaven felt like than death is nothing to fear. I felt like God said, "I LOVE YOU MELODY". That's all I heard. That's all I felt. In my 24 years I have never ever ever felt anything like it.

So on my way home today I began to think about this. I wanted to ask God why that moment. I wasn't looking, I wasn't asking and I felt unworthy. So I said "Thank you." It's all I could even muster up to say because I was embarrassed. Yes, ashamed. I imagine it was what the woman who was being accused of adultery felt like when he said "Where are your accusers?" Isn't that when we feel love the strongest? When we know we are undeserving? I began to talk to God about how little faith I have these day. I told Him I felt guilty all the time. Tears ran down my face while I drove in the pouring rain. You see, I am terrified of driving in the rain. I get instant panic attacks. I fear death. But a couple minutes into my gripping the steering wheel episode, I remember that feeling I had earlier today. Complete peace and safety. I released my grip and let go (not of the wheel don't worry!). It gave me a whole new appreciation for the song "Jesus take the wheel". haha. No, I let go of my worry. I now know what it feels like to be in His arms. Even though I don't have that warm feeling at this moment...I know it exists in other ways all the time.

God spoke something in to my heart today. I know God is righteous but I feel like this world teaches us to be righteous in ourselves, not Him. If we were righteous in Him we would not be of our own direction. We would not put a label on who is worthy of help and love. God validated my feelings. He reminded me today that no one is worthy. I wasn't worthy, but regardless he gave me a gift. If the God of our universe came to a sad, untrusting child.....Surely he wants us to do the same for others. Doing something for someone who is unworthy is very hard. Finding it in our hearts to reach out to those who do not understand is why we are here.

Am I perfect? No. Am I healed forever, never to experience pain again? No. Am I loved? Yes. Is pain and imperfection made easier to walk through if I know God is for me? Absolutely.

A friend of mine had an experience similar to this. Unexplainably and undeniably our Father's hand told her that He loved her. I remember saying "I want God to do that for me!" Well, He has. And I am sure it will not be the last time. : )

The old life, the present life...and the one I wish was living

There is a passage in 1 Kings that has become near and dear to me these days. Isaiah, the Lord's prophet is being very obedient. In Mel's version....The Lord tells him to tell the king some things that are very hard to hear. The punishment for being so blunt being death. So after Isaiah has really pissed off some people he is led far far in to some woods where he finds a stream of running water. He drinks from this brooke and is fed by some birds. The Lord is taking care of him. He lives here for awhile until one day the brooke of his hope dries up. WHAT? Right, exactly what I was thinking. The Lord moves Isaiah in to a town where he finds a widow...a poor widow that has been cast out by society I imagine...her son is all she has. He asks her for food and she says..."pssshhh, I got my own to feed." (remember this is my version) Isaiah tells her not to worry that the Lord will provide enough for her and her son if she allows him in. So she does, and sure enough...more food than she had before and enough to sustain them. Until her son dies she is really believing in this God Isaiah serves. WAIT. Her son dies? Good job God...that's what Isaiah is thinking. But he goes to the boy and prays that the Lord will bring him back to life...and He does. Now this widow really believes in the power of God.

So why do I like this? Well, Isaiah is in God's will and his life is a journey. See, the widows house was only a stop on the way....and God used him. After the brooke dried up Isaiah could have sat there until he died asking "WHY? You led me here didn't you? WHERE'S MY DANG FOOD?" But instead he willingly moved. God had a different plan, a different person, a different path for his life. And Isaiah could have laughed when God said "Ask the poor hungry widow for food" but he did not. He may have had a few intense conversations with our Father but he obeyed. You see, if we believe, we are all destined to change the world. But if we stay in one place we may never grow. What if that brooke never dried up? Do you think Isaiah would have given a second thought to the mighty power that created those flowing waters? Or would he have just glanced at it when he needed something to drink...having faith in his own survival skills? If it were me I'd be like, "ok God, got my water...thanks...see ya later". What about you?

I am in God's will. Austin is in God's will. We did not choose this life, we were called. I think about what our lives were like before the Air Force. I think we both felt moved towards something for a couple of years. But we until we realized it was the Air Force...we took the brooke for granted. Now we are in between. We are stuck, apart, lonely and wishing for the promise to be back together. Emotionally, I feel very unsafe. I feel like I should not trust any one with this heart. Not even those closest to me. Austin is the one I have shared my heart with, he's the one who has seen my imperfections and said.."it's ok, I still love you." But what if Isaiah had done that with the widow? What if he had said, "Lord, I love you and everything but this lady seems a little crazy and smelly. She has nothing and certainly could reject me."? She would have never witnessed a testimony of the living God. Once again, it wasn't about Isaiah...it was about that woman...dying...hungry...physically and spiritually. So THERE IS PURPOSE FOR THE IN BETWEEN.

For me it is a daily struggle. What is my purpose here? I left all of our possessions locked up in a storage unit. I left a job where I felt like I had a family. I left kids that needed me. I left a life that I was comfortable in. I let go of having him here everyday. WHY? I have no idea. All I know is that this is a journey. I don't feel like I'm walking. I feel like I am crawling, gasping for air. I wake up and I pray, "Lord, help me get up because I don't want to. Give me some kind of purpose today." I feel trapped. Who am I? To be honest, when you take away everything that gives you comfort you see what your faith truly lies in. I love being comfortable. And some days I fight God to give it back to me. It's like taking a passy from a two year old. They just don't understand. I am the poster child for someone who is in between what was and what will be.

So wherever you are today, if you feel like you are in between anything....whatever you do...don't do nothing. Someone is in between being loved...now they feel rejected and wonder when they will feel accepted again. Someone is in between jobs, wondering when their perfect purpose aligns. Someone is in between faith, feeling like hope was left behind and there is no reverse gear. Someone hasn't felt complete since they were little, as soon as life was a reality they gave up. Someone has a sick child and wonders what is the purpose of watching a baby suffer? Someone has spouse who is away....and falls asleep in just as much agony as they had when they woke up. I'll try to remember my life is story....a story of restoration.

"I can feel a phe0nix inside of me as I march to alone to a different beat. I am ready for the road less traveled. Suiting up for my crowning battle. This is test is my own cross to bear, but I will get there. It's never easy to be chosen never easy to be called...I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames...calling out my name. I can see the writing on the wall. I can't ignore this war. At the end of it all, WHO AM I LIVING FOR. I can feel this life that's inside of me growing fast in to lightening. I know one strike will shock the world." -Katy Perry (maybe she is in between?)

"What if you were his bird?"

Anyone ever thought about being old? Well if you know me you must know I have a slight obsession with little old people (mainly cute old men in suspenders shuffling their feet). I'm not sure why and many of you (Kandra) find it quite hilarious. Austin says if I ever leave him it'll be for an elderly man who can't walk.

The beach in Biloxi is so beautiful. It isn't Florida clear water but there is a different peace. Knowing that the sand your toes are in was once thrown around in a chaos of wind, the ocean was tossed over the city, people's lives destroyed and lost... is breath taking. The birds gathered in a few different spots. It was as if they gathered there every evening around the same time. I wanted Austin to take me to run through them. But it was a part of the beach that wasn't exactly near parking. So we walked. I of course had my camera and felt content. I did get to run through them. I was scared at first. I did NOT want to step in poop or be pooped on. He told me to just go for it. So I ran barefoot through hundreds of seagulls. For a moment I was surrounded by birds and a little freaked out! Never the less, I had gotten what I came for...

As we sat on a bench on the sidewalk after our walk out to the birds I noticed an old man. Yep, you got it...a cute shuffling old man. I noticed he had an old cereal box and he was attempting to feed the birds. Tossing his handfuls out on to the birdless beach. Immediately I looked at Austin and said "I can't watch". Even right now tears fill my eyes at the thought of him. After a few attempts he dumped out the whole box of old cereal and waited...waited...waited. No birds came. He even put down some red beans and rice (every bird's favorite right?). I wanted to tell him where the birds were but I looked at his shoes and knew that he could not make the trip. I thought about offering to lure the birds to him with the cereal. But I couldn't. I was frozen. I sat silently...tears streaming down my face just praying that he had someone to go home to. Even though deep down I knew he looked so lonely. He got in his truck reluctantly. He sat for a few minutes and slowly drove away.

I looked at my husband crying and saying..."I just wanted him to have a bird to feed Austin. You know, I see him and my heart breaks for him. I am crying for his little heart. Don't you think the Lord sees our broken hearts and cries over us too? If I, a mere human, feel so strongly He must feel just as passionate about us." I told this bird story to a few people. One of them asked me...."what if you were his bird?" and I answered "Well I would have eaten his food!". This person then bust out in to laughter. Apparently they had meant...what if I was what the man needed, not the birds? I just feel so nervous. I feel like everything inside of me wanted to go up to that man and say hello. But maybe I feel worthless. Maybe I feel like I have nothing to offer. And maybe those lies hold me back. No not maybe, they do.

I began asking myself, "Why old men? Why do I feel so connected to them?" One of my answers was the relationship I had with my Granddad growing up. His love for me still pierces me today. Even though he is gone a part of him is with me. He loved birds as well, so maybe he stamped that on my heart too. I always said he was my guardian angel. Maybe this whole time he walks with me or the Lord used him to affect me in ways I never knew. Another answer was that old people can feel purposeless. They have lived their lives. Most of the people they loved are gone. Everything changes but somehow they are stuck in loneliness. Deep down all they want is to have something to love or to be loved. It is written all over their faces, "please love me". And that too is my greatest longing. I just want to know that I am needed, that who I am now is good enough and that regardless of my past I am not unloveable. Whatever pain kept that man from walking to the birds keeps me from walking to what the Lord has for me sometimes. Shame is crippling isn't it?

I have a bird tattooed on my wrist. I never really knew why I got it. But it's funny how God has used that symbolism in my life more than once since I've gotten it. So I look at my bird singing it's heart out on a branch and I try not to be afraid. Easier said that done. But I am not alone. I am never alone. I may seem unloveable sometimes, hard to understand or just shut off but I am not giving up and neither is He.

Emotions

Taken back to the time when I was maybe 8 or 9....and I believed.
When Jesus walked on waters blue and if He helped me I could too, if I believed.
Before rational analysis and systematic thinking robbed me of a sweet simplicity.
Help me believe, cause I don't wanna miss any miracles.
Maybe I'd see much better by closing my eyes
And I could shed this grown up skin I'm in to touch an angels wings....help me believe. -Natalie grant

Driving in the car, listening to my husband talk about life...wishing there was something I could do to fulfill his desire for adventure and change. Hmmm, maybe there was! Austin had always talked about going in to the AF so I brought it up and this time I was ok with it! I had a weird peace (which I seem to forget about these days). So we packed up our things in to a tiny storage unit and held on for dear life.

Basic had it's challenges. Texas and Tennessee are not close and even if they were I'm sure security wouldn't have let me in to hug my husband. There were so many tears and lonely nights for both of us. It's funny how hard times bring everything in perspective. Sometimes it makes me sad for those who haven't had any hard times. How do they know what is important? Anyways, so basic graduation was emotional. I was so proud! He did it! And he excelled! I had also made it! Did I excell? Some people may say yes but it's the hardest thing I have ever been through....ever.

Next step, TECH SCHOOL. This is were we found out Austin's supposed 72 days of school would be pushed back until a later date. Until then, he will pull weeds. ? WHAT? You're telling me that he will be doing busy work for 4 to 6 weeks and THEN he'll start his seriously hard schooling for Air Traffic Control. Very funny GOD. Yes, God. I know everything happens for a reason and I know God has his hand in this. So whatever lesson there is to be learned we'll learn it and let you know.

A typical phone conversation....

Austin: Hey Mel! How was your day?

Mel: great! yours? what did you do?

A: Pulled weeds, ate lunch, pulled weeds.

M: Sounds...fun?

A: nope, not at all actually. Tax dollars paid for me to sweep today.

M: ummm, so what are you doing now?

A: going to work out then to chow

M: send me a picture of your food? (I like to know what he's eating)

A: ok baby!

M:Love you!

A: Love you too!

That's it. No hug. No smell of him. No seeing his face.

Hey all you wives who don't hug your husband when he comes home from work...shame on you. No really....SHAME ON YOU. And those of you who wish he'd go away..switch places with me please. Wives that take their men for granted....don't make it take living without them to appreciate them. Before Austin went into the AF I had issues with women who talked poorly of their husbands or publicly displayed distaste for a comment or action. Aren't we suppose to be their helpers? Yes we all argue but we DO NOT have a right to air out their flaws. It's called TACT. Yes, I am on a soap box because now more than ever do I want to shove women down who get on facebook and tell the world their husbands are jerks. Don't get me wrong, we all need to vent and talk to a friend now and again. But it shouldn't be to humiliate others it should be to work out emotions and feelings...decide what's rational and what's bizarre. PLEASE STOP PUBLICLY SHAMING YOUR SPOUSE (even if they rightly deserve it. Glad the Lord doesn't give us everything we deserve!). Geez. I said it. I've never said it before! That felt good!

***stepping down off soap box***

Now, if that offended you I am sorry...you shouldn't be reading my blog because I am going to be brutally honest about myself and the world around me. These days I don't have it in me to be fake. What you see is what you get and I'm learning that who I am is in Christ. His point of view matters...not yours or mine. But when I start seeing things His way it only seems to be a little more challenging. lol.

It's not easy to know that sometime near January Austin and I more than likely not reside in TN. Now it will be easier when we find out it is somewhere tropical like Florida or hawaii. Also we feel called to Alaska. lol. Jk. Anyways, the wait is very difficult. It's like being in a dark room and someone tells you that you have to live there until they decide to turn the light on. So you wait, hoping the light reveals something magical but fearing it will not look like a beach. The prayer I pray is "Lord, send us where we are needed". But my mind says "Lord, don't you send me up north or I will throw a fit!". I'm pretty honest with Him 'cause He's my best friend, my Lord, my protector...the One who knows our lives better than we do. I'm trying to be obedient.

This entry may seem a little heavy to some. It may not look like inspiring Melody blogs, but I'm sure there will be some that will. My desire is that other women who are in this same situation can read this and feel connected to someone even when they are all alone. We aren't alone ladies. We just are in a season....

over and out....

Mirror, for the things I see everyday
Fear, of not finding the way
You, for the people who underestimate me
Me, for the person that tries to see
Life, is given to those who fear death
Rain, to wash away whatever is left
Time, doesn't heal it only scabs
Memories, for those of you taking tabs
Stop looking in, start looking out
Comfort, won't be in your view without a doubt
Getting out and moving
Crying like your losing
Patterns playing for keeps
Head spinning until it sleeps.
Jesus, for brokenness
God, for direction
Holy Spirit guide me...help me stop living for perfection.
-M.S.