VOICE

Sometimes I just want a voice. I just want to know that what I have to say, what I feel...matters. Maybe that's why I have this blog. Because I am too scared to hear the sound of voices that don't agree or tell me that I am wrong. I can just write and be heard (or not heard). Sometimes I am so scared to just SAY IT. I just hold it in, soak it in, breathe in the lie that I will not be heard the way I intended to be heard. Silently, a little piece of me dies. My friend calls it "little murders".

Today I went shopping. I saw a man on the corner wearing jeans and a nice jacket over his white shirt. All of the sudden he busts out in full dance mode. I was so glad to be sitting at that red light. I just laughed and laughed because he was so sane looking and then all of the sudden he wasn't! He saw me smiling, pointed at me and mouthed "This is for you". Then he proceeded to do a move I can't describe. I just laughed so hard. I thought, that's what life is all about. Who cares why he is out there! He's making people smile! It was like seeing a little color in this gray world. That's what I want my voice to be. Colorful. Different. I'm sure people rolled their eyes at him, thought he was crazy, ignored him, called him stupid....but I saw life. It's not often I see someone dancing on the street in front of a busy mall. I guess if my voice is in comparison to that man...then everyone will have a different reaction.

There's something special about the way I think. I know I have a different outlook. Sometimes I wish people weren't so closed minded. I don't understand when people always think they are right. If it's not what they feel or believe it deserves a slap down. I WANT to know different opinions. I want to see things from all sides. I love talking to people who have a challenging question or a point of view I never thought of...I like to think "hey maybe I was wrong about that!" I never want to be old and stuck. LOL. Stuck in a way of thinking that never ever changes. A place where I think I know everything about everything. I always want to be the first to say...teach me. I never want my voice to be so loud I can't hear others or His. But right now my voice sounds shaky. It sounds frustrated. Because I am VERY frustrated. I feel like my voice won't come out most of the time. Which leaves me mute and sad. I know why. But I can't tell you that either. Haha.

Austin used to call me a locked safe. He said he could look at me and see a million things running through my mind behind my eyes but he could never get me to just say it. After lots of hard work and practice..it feels like he is the key to my safe. : ) Once i started talking I found that he listened...and cared...even if it wasn't his point of view. Even now I just talk and talk and he is like..."whoa slow down! I have no idea what you mean"...but he listens through his own ideas, his own way of viewing things. Then he says "I'm glad you see things that way even if I don't." I want to be like him....i want to give other people the chance to be heard like he hears me. I love my husband. Thank you Jesus.

I miss him. I miss the voice I have when I am with him. I want to have that voice now but maybe I just have to fight through some fears and lies to get there. Maybe it'll be a good thing.