Ok ladies, this is your heart. I know every single one of you (except my mom maybe) looks in the mirror and see that FATTY MCFATTERSON staring back at you. So I have never ever written about this subject because I don't want people to think I think I'm fat. It's one of those "keeping it together" things. But come on....if I didn't write about it who would? No one wants to admit they scrutinize over food, exercise to stop the guilt, or look in the mirror at the flaws and get very very angry.....only to find that maybe brownies could stop the pain! YES that's what I need! BROWNIES! haha.
So I have been watching the show "Ruby" since it aired. I LOVE HER. I'm sure anyone struggling with their weight LOVES her. How could you not? She's putting her fat, her fight and her face all over the world! Why? I believe it is to inspire and to bring a voice to something that we all deal with so silently. So as I watched today the last episode of season 2 all I wanted to do was hug her. She has a heart. Every overweight person has a heart. That sounds harsh. But this society scrutinizes and stares, calls them names behind closed doors, and thanks GOD we don't look THAT fat! But what I see is brokenness. I see a person hurting and this is their shield. She is realizing that her eating disorder comes from emotional scars, emptiness is areas she doesn't fully understand yet. How scary would it be if we all took a look at ourselves and said "Why do I do that?". What if we all went on a mission to dig up pain and hurt...then deal with it.
Some of you may not understand why I can even empathize with her. People normally see "little" when they look at me. When I thought about when I started to feel "fat" I remember the third grade. That would make me, what like 8? Jen (Mrs. C) can remember complimenting me one day in the lunch room before school. She said I looked pretty and she liked my outfit. My response? "No I don't. I look fat!" I chuckle now because it was so out of character for an 8 year old to say those words. I'm not sure what happened. I don't know why I started viewing myself that way. I don't know why I got chubby. I don't know when the obsession started or why. I just remember it started and it hasn't stopped. Have there been times when I knew I looked good on the outside? Yes. But on the inside I was tortured...counting every bite. See, looking skinny doesn't solve the problem either. It's so much deeper. Maybe in the third grade I realized that people were mean. Maybe my innocence was shaken and I got scared. I've always been sensitive and the world wasn't fitting in to the picture I had painted of this colorful rainbow world full of Jesus. lol. I started doubting myself. What if I wasn't good enough? What if people didn't love me? I was even scared to sing. What if my voice wasn't good enough? It makes me very sad to think that God gave me a gift, a voice, and I was so terrified that I hid it. I am still hiding it. Anyone heard me sing lately? It's a shame isn't it? Well, I'm working on that. I can't let satan poo poo face steal my talent. I only sing when I feel safe. But I want to sing when I feel scared, anytime any place. Everyone hides. But I can't anymore. Because Melody will die if I hide. I can't let that happen.
Lately, I just want to relay that "they have hearts". That's what I hear in my head all the time. My sister in law has two adopted children (not white! GASP!). When I hear stories of people giving her looks or staring my blood fuels. See, these babies have HEARTS. When I see a homeless person and I hear snide remarks I just fall apart inside. Even mean people have hearts. Crazy people have hearts. Obese people have hearts. White snotty Americans have hearts. Your horrible co worker...yep...theirs beats too. Instead of shutting them out what if we ministered to their hearts? You hear minister and you hear "give the poor money, amuse the crazy, or give the heavy lady a gift certificate to Arby's" but that's how satan has our minds working. There is so much MORE. Simply open your heart and you'll minister to theirs. It's like a game of dominos. It's so simple but it drastically changes lives. YOUR HEART. Yes, your heart is the answer. If you don't feel anything...you haven't even begun to help them. There is a secret in their hearts that only YOUR heart can unlock.
This blog isn't about weight loss. It's about the life Jesus came to give us. He doesn't tell us that we might have life...he says we WILL HAVE LIFE. He tells us who we are. Our addictions and obsessions can not be cured by our own hand...it is truly a healing process through Jesus Christ. Our image of perfection has to start to look like Jesus...not skinny people, rich people or those who seem to have their stuff together. It has to start looking like a heart. We have to go deeper everyday. Then Jesus will become BIGGER than the BIG you see in the mirror. : )
Oh man, did I need to hear this one! Spot on, Mel. And by the way, you still look pretty after all this time! :) Love you.
ReplyDeleteI think weight (or appearance in general) is an issue to every living breathing human female. Ask your mom... when people call us "skinny" or "sticks" or even the ridiculous "beanpole" it can still be hurtful. People feel like they can comment on your size when you are small framed and it's okay for them to do so. The last job I had, my appearance was commented on DAILY. I was told "I hate you" at least once a week by my middle aged co-workers. Even now being pregnant I have gained over 30 pounds and people still tell me they hate me because I don't look as big as they did. I realize most of the comments are because people are not comfortable with themselves but it tends to beat you down after a while and you start looking at yourself like something is wrong. I've even gone so far as to hire a personal trainer to help me gain weight. I know isn't that sick? I actually gave a speech on this very topic in college because I feel like sometimes the small people are the ones who get beat up about it the most. Oh yeah remember that girl from 5th grade that had failed like 3 times and was 10 times bigger than all of us? One day on the playground at MJCA she pushed me off the swing and said "your not big enough to swing." I know it's funny now but it took me a while to recover and still I feel like I have to prove myself and that I am still a strong and capable person. Is that because of that girl from 5th grade? I have no idea but it's something I will surely never forget. I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings but sometimes it's helpful to see the other side... maybe? The grass isn't always greener.
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Tara C.
Hey T, I remember you being teased and picked up all the time because you were so little. Even though I probably did it too...i didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You know kids can be clueless on the impact they have on others. The grass isn't greener...you are right...we all have to except who we are in Christ and see others as real people with real beating hearts...regardless of their body, image, or attitude. We are called to look past that and just love them. Just something I'm learning. Hurt is real.
ReplyDeleteLove you!!