Sunday, September 26, 2010

"What if you were his bird?"




Anyone ever thought about being old? Well if you know me you must know I have a slight obsession with little old people (mainly cute old men in suspenders shuffling their feet). I'm not sure why and many of you (Kandra) find it quite hilarious. Austin says if I ever leave him it'll be for an elderly man who can't walk.

The beach in Biloxi is so beautiful. It isn't Florida clear water but there is a different peace. Knowing that the sand your toes are in was once thrown around in a chaos of wind, the ocean was tossed over the city, people's lives destroyed and lost... is breath taking. The birds gathered in a few different spots. It was as if they gathered there every evening around the same time. I wanted Austin to take me to run through them. But it was a part of the beach that wasn't exactly near parking. So we walked. I of course had my camera and felt content. I did get to run through them. I was scared at first. I did NOT want to step in poop or be pooped on. He told me to just go for it. So I ran barefoot through hundreds of seagulls. For a moment I was surrounded by birds and a little freaked out! Never the less, I had gotten what I came for...

As we sat on a bench on the sidewalk after our walk out to the birds I noticed an old man. Yep, you got it...a cute shuffling old man. I noticed he had an old cereal box and he was attempting to feed the birds. Tossing his handfuls out on to the birdless beach. Immediately I looked at Austin and said "I can't watch". Even right now tears fill my eyes at the thought of him. After a few attempts he dumped out the whole box of old cereal and waited...waited...waited. No birds came. He even put down some red beans and rice (every bird's favorite right?). I wanted to tell him where the birds were but I looked at his shoes and knew that he could not make the trip. I thought about offering to lure the birds to him with the cereal. But I couldn't. I was frozen. I sat silently...tears streaming down my face just praying that he had someone to go home to. Even though deep down I knew he looked so lonely. He got in his truck reluctantly. He sat for a few minutes and slowly drove away.

I looked at my husband crying and saying..."I just wanted him to have a bird to feed Austin. You know, I see him and my heart breaks for him. I am crying for his little heart. Don't you think the Lord sees our broken hearts and cries over us too? If I, a mere human, feel so strongly He must feel just as passionate about us." I told this bird story to a few people. One of them asked me...."what if you were his bird?" and I answered "Well I would have eaten his food!". This person then bust out in to laughter. Apparently they had meant...what if I was what the man needed, not the birds? I just feel so nervous. I feel like everything inside of me wanted to go up to that man and say hello. But maybe I feel worthless. Maybe I feel like I have nothing to offer. And maybe those lies hold me back. No not maybe, they do.

I began asking myself, "Why old men? Why do I feel so connected to them?" One of my answers was the relationship I had with my Granddad growing up. His love for me still pierces me today. Even though he is gone a part of him is with me. He loved birds as well, so maybe he stamped that on my heart too. I always said he was my guardian angel. Maybe this whole time he walks with me or the Lord used him to affect me in ways I never knew. Another answer was that old people can feel purposeless. They have lived their lives. Most of the people they loved are gone. Everything changes but somehow they are stuck in loneliness. Deep down all they want is to have something to love or to be loved. It is written all over their faces, "please love me". And that too is my greatest longing. I just want to know that I am needed, that who I am now is good enough and that regardless of my past I am not unloveable. Whatever pain kept that man from walking to the birds keeps me from walking to what the Lord has for me sometimes. Shame is crippling isn't it?

I have a bird tattooed on my wrist. I never really knew why I got it. But it's funny how God has used that symbolism in my life more than once since I've gotten it. So I look at my bird singing it's heart out on a branch and I try not to be afraid. Easier said that done. But I am not alone. I am never alone. I may seem unloveable sometimes, hard to understand or just shut off but I am not giving up and neither is He.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Emotions

Taken back to the time when I was maybe 8 or 9....and I believed.
When Jesus walked on waters blue and if He helped me I could too, if I believed.
Before rational analysis and systematic thinking robbed me of a sweet simplicity.
Help me believe, cause I don't wanna miss any miracles.
Maybe I'd see much better by closing my eyes
And I could shed this grown up skin I'm in to touch an angels wings....help me believe.
-Natalie grant


Driving in the car, listening to my husband talk about life...wishing there was something I could do to fulfill his desire for adventure and change. Hmmm, maybe there was! Austin had always talked about going in to the AF so I brought it up and this time I was ok with it! I had a weird peace (which I seem to forget about these days). So we packed up our things in to a tiny storage unit and held on for dear life.

Basic had it's challenges. Texas and Tennessee are not close and even if they were I'm sure security wouldn't have let me in to hug my husband. There were so many tears and lonely nights for both of us. It's funny how hard times bring everything in perspective. Sometimes it makes me sad for those who haven't had any hard times. How do they know what is important? Anyways, so basic graduation was emotional. I was so proud! He did it! And he excelled! I had also made it! Did I excell? Some people may say yes but it's the hardest thing I have ever been through....ever.

Next step, TECH SCHOOL. This is were we found out Austin's supposed 72 days of school would be pushed back until a later date. Until then, he will pull weeds. ? WHAT? You're telling me that he will be doing busy work for 4 to 6 weeks and THEN he'll start his seriously hard schooling for Air Traffic Control. Very funny GOD. Yes, God. I know everything happens for a reason and I know God has his hand in this. So whatever lesson there is to be learned we'll learn it and let you know.

A typical phone conversation....

Austin: Hey Mel! How was your day?
Mel: great! yours? what did you do?
A: Pulled weeds, ate lunch, pulled weeds.
M: Sounds...fun?
A: nope, not at all actually. Tax dollars paid for me to sweep today.
M: ummm, so what are you doing now?
A: going to work out then to chow
M: send me a picture of your food? (I like to know what he's eating)
A: ok baby!
M:Love you!
A: Love you too!

That's it. No hug. No smell of him. No seeing his face.
Hey all you wives who don't hug your husband when he comes home from work...shame on you. No really....SHAME ON YOU. And those of you who wish he'd go away..switch places with me please. Wives that take their men for granted....don't make it take living without them to appreciate them. Before Austin went into the AF I had issues with women who talked poorly of their husbands or publicly displayed distaste for a comment or action. Aren't we suppose to be their helpers? Yes we all argue but we DO NOT have a right to air out their flaws. It's called TACT. Yes, I am on a soap box because now more than ever do I want to shove women down who get on facebook and tell the world their husbands are jerks. Don't get me wrong, we all need to vent and talk to a friend now and again. But it shouldn't be to humiliate others it should be to work out emotions and feelings...decide what's rational and what's bizarre. PLEASE STOP PUBLICLY SHAMING YOUR SPOUSE (even if they rightly deserve it. Glad the Lord doesn't give us everything we deserve!). Geez. I said it. I've never said it before! That felt good!
***stepping down off soap box***

Now, if that offended you I am sorry...you shouldn't be reading my blog because I am going to be brutally honest about myself and the world around me. These days I don't have it in me to be fake. What you see is what you get and I'm learning that who I am is in Christ. His point of view matters...not yours or mine. But when I start seeing things His way it only seems to be a little more challenging. lol.

It's not easy to know that sometime near January Austin and I more than likely not reside in TN. Now it will be easier when we find out it is somewhere tropical like Florida or hawaii. Also we feel called to Alaska. lol. Jk. Anyways, the wait is very difficult. It's like being in a dark room and someone tells you that you have to live there until they decide to turn the light on. So you wait, hoping the light reveals something magical but fearing it will not look like a beach. The prayer I pray is "Lord, send us where we are needed". But my mind says "Lord, don't you send me up north or I will throw a fit!". I'm pretty honest with Him 'cause He's my best friend, my Lord, my protector...the One who knows our lives better than we do. I'm trying to be obedient.

This entry may seem a little heavy to some. It may not look like inspiring Melody blogs, but I'm sure there will be some that will. My desire is that other women who are in this same situation can read this and feel connected to someone even when they are all alone. We aren't alone ladies. We just are in a season....

over and out....



Mirror, for the things I see everyday
Fear, of not finding the way
You, for the people who underestimate me
Me, for the person that tries to see
Life, is given to those who fear death
Rain, to wash away whatever is left
Time, doesn't heal it only scabs
Memories, for those of you taking tabs
Stop looking in, start looking out
Comfort, won't be in your view without a doubt
Getting out and moving
Crying like your losing
Patterns playing for keeps
Head spinning until it sleeps.
Jesus, for brokenness
God, for direction
Holy Spirit guide me...help me stop living for perfection.
-M.S.