"What if you were his bird?"

Anyone ever thought about being old? Well if you know me you must know I have a slight obsession with little old people (mainly cute old men in suspenders shuffling their feet). I'm not sure why and many of you (Kandra) find it quite hilarious. Austin says if I ever leave him it'll be for an elderly man who can't walk.

The beach in Biloxi is so beautiful. It isn't Florida clear water but there is a different peace. Knowing that the sand your toes are in was once thrown around in a chaos of wind, the ocean was tossed over the city, people's lives destroyed and lost... is breath taking. The birds gathered in a few different spots. It was as if they gathered there every evening around the same time. I wanted Austin to take me to run through them. But it was a part of the beach that wasn't exactly near parking. So we walked. I of course had my camera and felt content. I did get to run through them. I was scared at first. I did NOT want to step in poop or be pooped on. He told me to just go for it. So I ran barefoot through hundreds of seagulls. For a moment I was surrounded by birds and a little freaked out! Never the less, I had gotten what I came for...

As we sat on a bench on the sidewalk after our walk out to the birds I noticed an old man. Yep, you got it...a cute shuffling old man. I noticed he had an old cereal box and he was attempting to feed the birds. Tossing his handfuls out on to the birdless beach. Immediately I looked at Austin and said "I can't watch". Even right now tears fill my eyes at the thought of him. After a few attempts he dumped out the whole box of old cereal and waited...waited...waited. No birds came. He even put down some red beans and rice (every bird's favorite right?). I wanted to tell him where the birds were but I looked at his shoes and knew that he could not make the trip. I thought about offering to lure the birds to him with the cereal. But I couldn't. I was frozen. I sat silently...tears streaming down my face just praying that he had someone to go home to. Even though deep down I knew he looked so lonely. He got in his truck reluctantly. He sat for a few minutes and slowly drove away.

I looked at my husband crying and saying..."I just wanted him to have a bird to feed Austin. You know, I see him and my heart breaks for him. I am crying for his little heart. Don't you think the Lord sees our broken hearts and cries over us too? If I, a mere human, feel so strongly He must feel just as passionate about us." I told this bird story to a few people. One of them asked me...."what if you were his bird?" and I answered "Well I would have eaten his food!". This person then bust out in to laughter. Apparently they had meant...what if I was what the man needed, not the birds? I just feel so nervous. I feel like everything inside of me wanted to go up to that man and say hello. But maybe I feel worthless. Maybe I feel like I have nothing to offer. And maybe those lies hold me back. No not maybe, they do.

I began asking myself, "Why old men? Why do I feel so connected to them?" One of my answers was the relationship I had with my Granddad growing up. His love for me still pierces me today. Even though he is gone a part of him is with me. He loved birds as well, so maybe he stamped that on my heart too. I always said he was my guardian angel. Maybe this whole time he walks with me or the Lord used him to affect me in ways I never knew. Another answer was that old people can feel purposeless. They have lived their lives. Most of the people they loved are gone. Everything changes but somehow they are stuck in loneliness. Deep down all they want is to have something to love or to be loved. It is written all over their faces, "please love me". And that too is my greatest longing. I just want to know that I am needed, that who I am now is good enough and that regardless of my past I am not unloveable. Whatever pain kept that man from walking to the birds keeps me from walking to what the Lord has for me sometimes. Shame is crippling isn't it?

I have a bird tattooed on my wrist. I never really knew why I got it. But it's funny how God has used that symbolism in my life more than once since I've gotten it. So I look at my bird singing it's heart out on a branch and I try not to be afraid. Easier said that done. But I am not alone. I am never alone. I may seem unloveable sometimes, hard to understand or just shut off but I am not giving up and neither is He.