"Such is the destiny of all who forget God; so perishes the hope of the godless. What he trusts in is fragile; what he relies on is a spider web. He leans on his web but it gives way; he clings to it, but it does not hold" - Job 8:13-15
I don't even know where to begin. I started reading Job a few days ago. Why? I've always disliked the story, the despair...the chaos. It is not exactly my favorite book of the Bible. God allowing satan to take everything a man loves out of his life to prove he is faithful is painful. Yes, I can say that. God already knows. lol. Revelation is another book I have yet to dive in to. But that's another story. ANYWAYS, so I started reading this mans story. At first I was like, "geez this guy whines alot!". Then I started to relate to him. Knowing I serve a faithful God does not mean I do not have days that I cry and say, "WHY GOD? What is this all about?". It's an emotion that every Christian experiences but feels ashamed to admit. After all, aren't we BELIEVERS? If we aren't saying "PRAISE THE LORD!" people may think we are doubting God. But don't we all.
I find it ironic God laid on my heart the book of Job (long O)...also pronounced...Job (soft O). To be honest, I am not comfortable where I am working right now. A few months back I had two job offers. One was a hospital photographer and the other a call center. I really felt like it was the right thing to do when I turned down the photographer job. I WAS CRAZY. lol. I felt like this one would be more flexible with school. I literally cried when I hung up the phone after saying no to the offer of photographing newborns in the hospital. It felt completely wrong but right at the same time. After Austin left and my training was over I was on my own. Everyday going in to listen to people rant and rave over their television (due to some legal papers I signed I am not permitted to say which provider...haha). I have encountered people who have no hope. Listening to their conversations saddens my heart. Listening to people yell and scream about a 3 dollar charge on their bill saddens my heart. Sitting in a box all day and coming home to an empty apartment...really saddens my heart.
Before I started reading Job I felt guilty for feeling so bitter. I felt like I should suppress it and not ask questions. But lately, I have been so honest with God. I have no one else to confide in; there is no one who understands my heart completely but Him. I guess I feel like I'm walking into a place of darkness everyday. I feel like I blur into the darkness, like I forget I am a light. I walk in to a place of despair and take despair home with me. I don't want to live that way. But I feel other people's emotions so strongly and this is what the majority of them feel...no hope...despair. I know there is a reason I am there right now. If for no other reason than to not be alone at home all day while Austin is deployed. I know I will see this as a blessing in the future. Just like Job was blessed in the end for trusting God...so will I be. But in the middle, it is life's hardships that bring us to that trust.
I normally don't ask for prayer on my blog. But if you'd like to pray for me...pray I find a job that allows me to be face to face with people in a semi-loving environment. lol. Pray I find a job that works with my school schedule..which I have found out this one will not. Pray for Austin as he also is working where he does not wish to be working (the desert). Pray for both of our hope to be restored and rest. We know we serve a faithful God. Being apart comes with being in the military and we thank God for the people He has sent us to build relationships with. You may never know how you have changed our lives during this time. We will continually thank God for his love for us. His hand is on us and He is not a God who will lead us to death, but life more abundantly. This is part of the process and we accept that. We are taking this one day at a time. We both appreciate the kind words and prayers that have already been spoken. May I touch a life the way some of you have ours.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Do you have any change?
Sometimes God will not change your circumstances until he changes your heart.
"Hello, thank you for calling. My name is Melody. Can I get you to verify the first and last name on the account?" I say this all day long at my job. Tonight I was reflecting back on the time I prayed and thanked Jesus for getting me a job here in Valdosta while waiting on school to start. I was so excited on my first day. This new thing from Jesus was so exciting! Now...not so much. Everyday I wake up alone. I go to a job where people are more concerned about television than life itself. My husband is deployed and my dog seems depressed. Life is not exactly a happy circumstance. I've wondered so many times the last few weeks if I have done something wrong. When I prayed that the Lord would change my heart and my attitude I did not expect it to be such a lonely and daunting experience. I was embracing change! The one thing I needed the most. Shouldn't this be a fairly easy process if I am in God's will?
But change only comes when we confront the fear in our lives. And the enemy is not happy when we do. Thoughts I called my own I am now realizing are lies. "Melody, what are you doing? Did you really think you could live away from your family while Austin was deployed?" "Wow Melody. Good job choice...way to turn down that photography job you were offered. You thought you were doing the right thing, huh?" And I've wanted to quit. I've wanted to quit this job and do what Melody does best...give up. I've wanted to find a happier circumstance, associating that with God's will for my life. But I am learning that change is a process. We pray and ask God to change our hearts. He does this through refining and testing of our character. And that my blog readers, is NOT happy times. Just because I feel alone doesn't mean I am. Just because it feels like I don't belong where I work doesn't mean God doesn't have a purpose for it. I am one that allows my fears to control my decisions. I think we all are. It takes a renewing of your mind everyday to push through those fears and say "I know I feel afraid but God says there is nothing to fear."
When you have lived 25 years of life paralyzed by fear...it's almost like physical therapy when you decide you want to walk again. Will you be reminded that you once couldn't move? Yes. Will you feel like the pain you feel in your body from trying to walk is too much? Yes. will you be discouraged that maybe one day you never will and this is a waste of time? Yes. Does that mean that you desiring to move again is not God's will for your life? No. Does it make Him any less sovereign or loving? No. It just means He needs to remind us that it is not possible without Him.
You see, God knows I am a co-dependant person. I find security in others. And when I knew he was calling me out of that I had no idea this would be the way out. SO I have a choice (as my mom would say)...thank God everyday for bringing me out of this circumstance the way He intended to...or go back to being paralyzed. So satan, you can suck it. Because I will not just walk...I will RUN. I may cry my way through physical therapy. I may ache to have Austin's companionship. I may worry about his safety or lively hood. But all of these things are emotions. Emotions come and go. God's promises are always true. So instead of focusing on my emotions...I need to focus on the truth. The truth is that being in God's will isn't always comfortable. It isn't roses. Knowing you need to pursue change in any area of life is difficult. Just mustering up the courage to admit it is tough. But walking through it is even harder. I always say that if satan is trying this hard to stop me....God must really be working. When you leave one thing it's not always important you enter in to a better circumstance...but that you are following the voice of God.
So I thank Him tonight through my tears. I thank Him for this time of solitude and reflection on my own character. I thank Him for teaching me how to relate to my husband in ways I never have before. I thank him for the promises He will fulfill through this muggy Georgia summer filled with gnats and call centers. : )
And satan you can still stuck it....yep...even doing the hand motion...because you are a LIAR. Can I get an amen? MAN! Where's my hand held fan? It's gettin hot in this church!! LOL.
"Hello, thank you for calling. My name is Melody. Can I get you to verify the first and last name on the account?" I say this all day long at my job. Tonight I was reflecting back on the time I prayed and thanked Jesus for getting me a job here in Valdosta while waiting on school to start. I was so excited on my first day. This new thing from Jesus was so exciting! Now...not so much. Everyday I wake up alone. I go to a job where people are more concerned about television than life itself. My husband is deployed and my dog seems depressed. Life is not exactly a happy circumstance. I've wondered so many times the last few weeks if I have done something wrong. When I prayed that the Lord would change my heart and my attitude I did not expect it to be such a lonely and daunting experience. I was embracing change! The one thing I needed the most. Shouldn't this be a fairly easy process if I am in God's will?
But change only comes when we confront the fear in our lives. And the enemy is not happy when we do. Thoughts I called my own I am now realizing are lies. "Melody, what are you doing? Did you really think you could live away from your family while Austin was deployed?" "Wow Melody. Good job choice...way to turn down that photography job you were offered. You thought you were doing the right thing, huh?" And I've wanted to quit. I've wanted to quit this job and do what Melody does best...give up. I've wanted to find a happier circumstance, associating that with God's will for my life. But I am learning that change is a process. We pray and ask God to change our hearts. He does this through refining and testing of our character. And that my blog readers, is NOT happy times. Just because I feel alone doesn't mean I am. Just because it feels like I don't belong where I work doesn't mean God doesn't have a purpose for it. I am one that allows my fears to control my decisions. I think we all are. It takes a renewing of your mind everyday to push through those fears and say "I know I feel afraid but God says there is nothing to fear."
When you have lived 25 years of life paralyzed by fear...it's almost like physical therapy when you decide you want to walk again. Will you be reminded that you once couldn't move? Yes. Will you feel like the pain you feel in your body from trying to walk is too much? Yes. will you be discouraged that maybe one day you never will and this is a waste of time? Yes. Does that mean that you desiring to move again is not God's will for your life? No. Does it make Him any less sovereign or loving? No. It just means He needs to remind us that it is not possible without Him.
You see, God knows I am a co-dependant person. I find security in others. And when I knew he was calling me out of that I had no idea this would be the way out. SO I have a choice (as my mom would say)...thank God everyday for bringing me out of this circumstance the way He intended to...or go back to being paralyzed. So satan, you can suck it. Because I will not just walk...I will RUN. I may cry my way through physical therapy. I may ache to have Austin's companionship. I may worry about his safety or lively hood. But all of these things are emotions. Emotions come and go. God's promises are always true. So instead of focusing on my emotions...I need to focus on the truth. The truth is that being in God's will isn't always comfortable. It isn't roses. Knowing you need to pursue change in any area of life is difficult. Just mustering up the courage to admit it is tough. But walking through it is even harder. I always say that if satan is trying this hard to stop me....God must really be working. When you leave one thing it's not always important you enter in to a better circumstance...but that you are following the voice of God.
So I thank Him tonight through my tears. I thank Him for this time of solitude and reflection on my own character. I thank Him for teaching me how to relate to my husband in ways I never have before. I thank him for the promises He will fulfill through this muggy Georgia summer filled with gnats and call centers. : )
And satan you can still stuck it....yep...even doing the hand motion...because you are a LIAR. Can I get an amen? MAN! Where's my hand held fan? It's gettin hot in this church!! LOL.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Hidden cell phone
"I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me"
Sitting down at the place I do every morning..got my coffee...my lipgloss...my cell phone hidden...no one has come in to work yet. Someone says to me, "Why do you believe in Jesus?". Taken back by the sudden urgency of this question so early in the morning I respond..."Because he loves me". This brings on a conversation of how do I know He loves me? Look at this world we live in! Look at the tragedy and hard times in my own life! How could I say He loved me? Tears fill my heart for this beautiful unbelieving person sitting in front of me. Raised in church, force fed religion and heart hardened by tragedy...they never knew Jesus. The beautiful Jesus who holds me when I cry in the car or watches me throw fits. The Jesus who watches my fears play movies that paralyze me at night and still prays for my unbelieving heart. The Jesus I trust with my life because He is the only eternal thing I have. The only one I trust enough to even get up in the morning and live life.
I literally cry after conversations like this. I am so mad that the church doesn't teach Jesus. I am so mad that these loved ones are taught rejection by the Christian community. For a while I even boycotted church. Why go? Well, because if I don't love those people how will THEY know the love of Jesus. I think Jesus would go to church and teach people how to love each other. I think not one is worthy...including those in church. We are all human. We reject people all the time. Who am I to judge? The purpose of church is to learn and grow. I will not boycott that any more. I am no better than they are if I say I am too good to be apart of them. While sometimes I fear rejection...afraid they may see my imperfections and not allow me to associate with them. If they do, that's ok. Because "a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God not people." And I will continue to love.
I once wrote a blog about prisoners at work. I remember seeing them on the side of the road with shirts that said "thief" and "murdered". I wondered what my shirt would say. Or what would happen if we all had to wear shirts that disclosed our worst moments. I think we would embrace each other. I think we would realize how unworthy we all were. I know that Jesus loves me in spite of what my shirt says. And I believe that that is what true love is. Knowing that someone loves you regardless of what you have or will do is the ultimate love. Knowing that he also died on a cross for those exact things written on all of our shirts so that we could know His love. How great His love for me must be. How could I not cling to that? It is the greatest gift of all.
So why believe in Jesus? "I have come that you might have life and have it to the full"- Jesus. I believe in His promises. I know He is alive and I feel his love everyday. I can not help but love him.
Sitting down at the place I do every morning..got my coffee...my lipgloss...my cell phone hidden...no one has come in to work yet. Someone says to me, "Why do you believe in Jesus?". Taken back by the sudden urgency of this question so early in the morning I respond..."Because he loves me". This brings on a conversation of how do I know He loves me? Look at this world we live in! Look at the tragedy and hard times in my own life! How could I say He loved me? Tears fill my heart for this beautiful unbelieving person sitting in front of me. Raised in church, force fed religion and heart hardened by tragedy...they never knew Jesus. The beautiful Jesus who holds me when I cry in the car or watches me throw fits. The Jesus who watches my fears play movies that paralyze me at night and still prays for my unbelieving heart. The Jesus I trust with my life because He is the only eternal thing I have. The only one I trust enough to even get up in the morning and live life.
I literally cry after conversations like this. I am so mad that the church doesn't teach Jesus. I am so mad that these loved ones are taught rejection by the Christian community. For a while I even boycotted church. Why go? Well, because if I don't love those people how will THEY know the love of Jesus. I think Jesus would go to church and teach people how to love each other. I think not one is worthy...including those in church. We are all human. We reject people all the time. Who am I to judge? The purpose of church is to learn and grow. I will not boycott that any more. I am no better than they are if I say I am too good to be apart of them. While sometimes I fear rejection...afraid they may see my imperfections and not allow me to associate with them. If they do, that's ok. Because "a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God not people." And I will continue to love.
I once wrote a blog about prisoners at work. I remember seeing them on the side of the road with shirts that said "thief" and "murdered". I wondered what my shirt would say. Or what would happen if we all had to wear shirts that disclosed our worst moments. I think we would embrace each other. I think we would realize how unworthy we all were. I know that Jesus loves me in spite of what my shirt says. And I believe that that is what true love is. Knowing that someone loves you regardless of what you have or will do is the ultimate love. Knowing that he also died on a cross for those exact things written on all of our shirts so that we could know His love. How great His love for me must be. How could I not cling to that? It is the greatest gift of all.
So why believe in Jesus? "I have come that you might have life and have it to the full"- Jesus. I believe in His promises. I know He is alive and I feel his love everyday. I can not help but love him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)