Tuesday, August 14, 2012
She's in shock!
Tonight I feel like writing. It isn't often I get a chance to take a break but this week has been a good opportunity for me to get my thoughts straight. I think one of the challenges of being in such an all consuming program is that sometimes you push your thoughts, desires, relationships and more aside to succeed. I knew the price when I entered and I know God is faithful...always. Today I volunteered for a paramedic and EMT state practical skills exam. I was a patient with bruises and a broken femur!I had been thrown from a car! I was also unconscious. I must admit it was pretty fun. But laying there I thought,"wow this is so fake for me but so real for somebody at this very moment". As the training paramedics announced I was going in to shock I thought, "these guys will save someone's life! How cool is that!" But this is what our profession is faced with every day - life and death. In order to see the value of a life saved we must also see death, dying and suffering. My teacher said that you can not be a emotionally stable nurse unless you deal with your own mortality. What does that mean? Well, to know that just like our patients lives were thrown off course, ours could be as well without a moments notice. We can not escape the reality that this life on earth will end and we do not know when. I've had a lot of fears about this and still do as I write this. I have many fears as those of your who are close to me know. There are days I would choose to live in the house than go to the store because WHAT IF a storm comes? I panic a lot. The worse case scenario floods my mind and I can't shake it. When I confide in people most say, "well, fear is the opposite of faith!" or "what's so bad about dying? You'll be in heaven!". Hmmm, this doesn't really fix this mentality of thinking. Are those things true? Yes. If I say it over and over will I begin to believe it? Probably not. What does work is when I say, "God has a plan for my life." I know this! Surrender is such a hard thing. That's what I struggle with. Surrendering my own desire for control for His. Life is messy but there are times when we look back and say, "No that was a beautiful time in my life". Those moments help me remember I serve a sovereign Lord who designed me for a purpose. Do I fall short? Yes. Does he use me anyways? Absolutely. Will there be messy times when I say "what the helicopter is going on and what am I doing?" YES. But because I know Jesus there will be a time following that of a chance to minister, a chance to grow in character and a chance to embrace the life I have been given. So now you know I have a bit of an anxiety disorder which include fears of : driving in the rain, leaving the dogs for too long, leaving the coffee pot on and the house burning down, being stranded on the side of the road at night, dying of some mysterious illness I haven't quite pinpointed yet other than I always have it (LOL), taking antibiotics because they can cause steven-johnson's syndrome, and the list goes on and on! haha. But each day I will thank God for the life he has given me, for the lessons I have learned and will learn and the chance to breathe everyday. And when my time is up (in 80 years..just sayin) I will rejoice with my Savior who has never left me or forsaken me! I am also thankful for those in my life who embrace this part of me and work with me to think differently. I know I can not be the only one who feels this way...so if it's you...YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Let's start a club! haha. Love ya'll!