Fatties in bikinis

Let's rewind shall we? Yes, we shall. Let's go back to July of 2010. Whoa, you really shouldn't be wearing that tiny bathing suit...oh wait, that's your July of 2010....Let's go back to mine...Whoa! I REALLY shouldn't be wearing a bathing suit at all! lol.

Kidding. : ) Austin is getting ready for basic training. We have packed up our apartment. I have moved in with my parents and I am saying goodbye to him. At this point, I have no idea what God wants from Melody. We make it through basic...now on to tech school. By the end of tech school we have been apart for almost 9 months. Still, I am apathetic about my life's direction. School? No way. Work? No thanks. I am about to move to Georgia and leave the comfort of my Tennessee home and family. Somewhere during that time I began to feel like I had lost "Melody" or wasn't seeking to find out who "Melody" was supposed to be. Utterly unhappy. Desperately wanting acceptance from anyone...and needing it from everyone. I have this fear of being rejected. I believe that after high school (maybe even before that) satan began to attack my thoughts...and I let him. I began to believe that I could not graduate college, my voice was nothing special, people would reject me if they really heard my thoughts, and of course that I was a terrible cook and would never successfully make a chicken pot pie. Well, enough is enough. God really got ahold of my heart...and not in the "oh that feels so good God! Thank you for disciplining me!" way. Through a series of unpleasant circumstances I saw so clearly. Satan had actually gotten me to feel sorry for myself everyday!! What in the world! How did that happen? Self-pity...my weakness.

I began to realize that things weren't happening "to me". I realized that my way of thinking was so off from His thoughts of me. Slowly, I began seeing the lies. Oh they are such ugly pathetic lies too. I mean, really? I had a friend share with me the promises God had already fulfilled in my life. She said I need to practice being thankful for those things that had not happened yet...but fully trust that God would not leave me desolate. By fully trust I mean fully let go of my expectations of what God should or should not do in my life. It was such a hard lesson. I mean we pray...we ask...we seek...but do we really every just say "Your will be done" and mean it with every part of our hearts? I'll answer that for you...NO.

So here we are...back in the present time (you look much better in your bathing suit by the way). Austin has once again been asked to leave his family in order to serve our country. We got a solid two months of adjusting to living together again and enjoying our marriage. My first response to his deployment news was something like this..."WHAT THA BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!" and then "WHY GOD?" and then "bleep bleep bleep" and finally..."Ok, Lord your will be done." And every day I thank him for this circumstance. I must be crazy right? Well, I am not going back to feeling sorry for myself. I fight it every day and it will not ruin my life anymore. Yes, I dislike my job, being alone here in GA, and going to a church where no one knows my name. But slowly I am finding that God is truly blessing me in this time. Just when I say to myself "I can't do it"...God says, "Melody, you ARE doing it".

My decision to go back to school and pursue my LPN was not without a lot of prayer. But the answer was so clear to me. I've been out of high school for almost 7 years. For seven years I have told myself I would never go back...I would always fail. My favorite thing to do is take care of people. So nursing seemed so perfect. Be careful when you say you will never do something because it may just be satan trying to pull you away from the things that would fill your life with joy.

Currently, I work at a call center. While I am thankful for getting some type of job in this little town....it drives me to get back in to school so I can finally do something I love. Sometimes being comfortable isn't God's way. Actually most of the time it isn't God's way. Are you comfortable? Because if you are apathetic and comfortable I would say to you..."BEWARE OF LIFE CRISIS AND HARD TIMES". God will surely do something to get your attention.

I want to know Jesus. I want to push through these 5 months without Austin and open up my heart to learn the things God wants me to learn. I appreciate all of your prayers. I simply can not tell you how grateful I am for the notes, messages, phone calls and skypes I have received. I am truly blessed.

Love you all!!

Unbelief

"Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us..." -Ruthless Trust

One day last spring I was at work at Rutherford Academy. I had a student keep telling me that there was a bird in the closet. Well, that wasn't the craziest thing I'd heard all day but I could not hear it. All day he would peek through a tiny hole and say "I SEE IT MRS. SMITH!" Finally, I got up and entertained the thought that there could quite possibly be a bird in a closet that was never opened and stayed locked all the time. So I peeked through that tiny hole. I could not see it but I heard flapping of wings. "There is a bird in there!", I exclaimed. My student just looked at me, as if I was the one who had previously kicked a desk over that day, rolled around on the floor and refused to listen. He said, "I've been saying that ALL DAY! You should have listened the first time!" I laughed to myself and thought how ironic it was for him to say that to me and for him to be right!

So I went and got the lead teacher of our class. He seemed rugged enough to capture and free a bird. After all, he did ride his bike to work...like....20 miles....until he got hit and his bike broke. True story. We asked the class to be very quiet so as not to startle this poor bird any more than it was. He put on gloves (safety first!) and slowly opened the door. I'll never forget that little bird. I saw it's face frozen in fear, it's wings still just waiting. So Mr. lead teacher reached in and grabbed him. I have never heard a bird cry until that day. Literally it was like a small whimper cry that just made me shudder. We had opened the window and he just let it go. At first, it just hopped out and looked around like...what is going on? After a few minutes of being dazed it finally realized it was a bird and could fly. I will never forget watching it fly away.

So how is any of this relevant? I have no clue. I just wanted to tell the story.

Kidding. Well, some may think it is about the bird being freed from it's dark room of terror. Others may think it's about the bird not knowing which direction to go once it was freed. Or maybe you relate to the scared bird, frozen in fear at the mercy of a man with gloves. For me, this story is about my unbelief. Common sense did not lead me to believe that there was any way possible for a bird to be stuck in a closet that was never opened. I ignored it all day long. Then, I never believed anyone would actually touch it. Next, I never believed that it would stay still long enough to be caught. Then again when I saw him stumbling around not flying I wondered if it was too late for this little guy. It wasn't until it actually took off that I believed that bird would be ok.

In my own spiritual walk, unbelief leads to not trusting a God who is capable of more than anything I could ever ask or think. We all "hope" things turn out ok...but do we really believe?I was given a book called Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. I am realizing that even in my darkest moments I serve a God who has promised life to me. No matter what, if we trust him daily and thank him daily for whatever circumstances we wake up to...He will keep his promise. It is our untrusting hearts that keep us from experiencing God's love fully. To be continually thankful is the beginning of trusting God. So I thank Him in advance for the things I can not see, the things I don't understand, the hard circumstances, the hurt, having no air in my car on a hot day, and the gift of being alive. I believe by doing this I will learn more and more to trust my life to the God who created me. And I KNOW this is all apart of my story. I know how it ends too....Jesus has overcome to world. Somehow my life will be used to tell HIS story.

"To be grateful for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of interior desolation, to trust in the love of God in the face of marvels, cruel circumstances, obscenities, and commonplaces of life is to whisper a doxology (praise) in darkness" -B. Manning

I love the sound of His name. I am learning that who I am in me is so broken...but in him...I am more because of Jesus. I don't think you can completely know the comfort that comes from speaking his name until you are in a place of discomfort. I had a sweet friend explain to me that in the midst of chaos we can speak his promises and thank him for what he will do.

"For if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right and trust your lives to the God who created you for he will never fail you." 1 peter 4:19

You see!! He has already gone before us! He created us and He loves us! So take on whatever you fear the most..and claim that all the "what ifs" will be promises God will fulfill in His time and for His glory.

I know this blog is oddly short for me (well, I'm pretty short but not when I write...lol). I just wanted to share this song and encourage you to keep moving because He has given us authority and power to oppose the traps satan has set for our lives through the sweet name of JESUS.

Love, Mel

Situations of Silence

Silence. It can be a scary sound. Waiting. An equally frightening feeling. When there is nothing concrete, this is what we say and feel. Sometimes it's all we can. You feel everything, and yet nothing. Someone asks how you are and you have no idea how to respond or if they really want to know. Everything you know is about to change. The trust you say you have in a faithful God seems like it's not enough for this. In our brokenness the only thing we trust is silence. It's there whether we want it to be or not. We can somewhat control it. That's empowering. We can choose to be silent or speak up. We can choose to hear the silence or turn on the t.v. It can be acknowledged or ignored. It can be a feeling of defeat or one of conquer. But when God seems silent.....our plea for loudness grows. I don't doubt for a second He sees my silent tears. And when I can not speak, His silence can defend me. Because I know that His silence is greater than my words. I'm beginning to believe that silence may be our greatest gift. When we don't know what to say...He has the opportunity. Whether it be with words or stillness...He is made known.

On the other end, NOISE. God gave us the gift of words and sometimes we just waste them. We use them to destroy instead of build. I'm starting to believe that when we are in situations of silence, God is speaking.

I'm in a situation of silence. My emotions change with every second. I am wondering what the heck God is doing. haha. Just being honest! There is nothing to lean on at this point. I sit in silence more these days than I EVER have in my life. My eyes stare off in to space and even now the words just don't come. Lately, I contemplate relationships. I notice people I once knew, float away. Life changes us, grows us and people leave. We leave. We are leaving. I grasp for everything I once felt comfortable with or apart of, only to find that wasn't forever either. I think of the lives I invested in or the places I knew would always be "that way". But when I go back there, even if it's just in my mind...I realize just how little control I had/have. Things we build fall apart. Does it mean it's for nothing? Not if it was done in the name of Jesus. Not if I loved with His love. But to believe that everything remains the same is foolish. Time to start over...and I imagine I'll be starting over a lot. That's ok. That probably means more silence...and more trusting God.

I am thankful for the people who gather around me when I am silent- my husband, my families, my dog Mercie. : ) In their acceptance of my silence I hear love. And I learn to love other people in theirs.

And I am learning to let go of the past and reach out to the future. I am thankful that God believes in Austin and I enough to separate us from what we know to use us somewhere else. He must know we can do it. He must have great things in store. He has to have great faith that we will have faith in Him. And He must be able to take care of the people we love here.

Situations of silence can have many different roots. I have a feeling I am not the only one. Just trust that if we are believing God for an answer, this is enough. Who knows, it may be MORE than enough. ; )

Hey ya'll! WOW it's been like almost 2 months since I've updated this thing! I guess that makes me a slacker??

I can definitely say that I am experiencing a very wide range of emotions! Knowing that this season of separation from my husband is coming to a close- I am overjoyed! But knowing that I will leave behind the ones that love me most is very hard. I find myself laughing and enjoying people and all of the sudden a deep sadness is felt in the pit of my stomach. I keep saying, "God we thought this was a good idea, why again?".

My niece Kate took her first steps last week. She is three and special needs. When I went to see her walk and she took her first steps to me....I smiled on the outside but on the inside I realized that she will continue to grow and I may not be here to see that. Finding things out via phone calls or facebook takes second to seeing her sweet spirit fight for the life God has for her. Layla, the newest addition to the Benton family...is an explosion of personality. Being able to bond with her as she grows is priceless. Layla will accomplish anything and everything she wants to do. She will love her sister and her family. She will bring laughter and healing. And though we may be apart for a season, we will always have a special bond. Her love for music, dancing and laughter will be enough to bring us together every time we see eachother.

Luca, ahh my sweet Luca. Another story of God's faithfulness. When Luca was first adopted by Jen and Paul I did not think that being a big part of his life would ever be realistic. Jennifer has been my mentor for a long time. Being able to give the love she gave me to the heart that beats outside her chest is amazing. He is my buddy. God has taken this tiny soul and used it to hug me, love me, and allow me to do the same for him while Austin has been away. In my heart he is an irreplaceable gift that God brought to me when I needed it the most.

Initially my thoughts for the little ones above and the ones not mentioned was, "but God, what will they do without me? How will their hearts hurt when I am gone?" God spoke to me and reminded me that HE is their God. He has given them all they need and more to succeed on their journeys. The real question is "God, what will I do without them?". See the truth is...I probably need them more than they do me.

I have lived here my entire life. While my dreams have always been to travel and experience different cultures and people...I am terrified! Isn't it what God has for us that scares us the most? What if I am not good enough? What if I fail? I guess I'll keep that dream hidden inside...just incase I experience rejection. Austin and I do not want our lives to be full of "what if"? I have envisioned what our lives would have been had we not joined the AF. Honestly, I see two sad people sitting on a couch having the "why didn't we?" conversation. That to me is more tragic than leaving. I'd say there are parts of who I am that have been idle...also tragic. I found myself looking at a picture of my little kid self...man if I could talk to her. First of all, I'd hug her (me). I would tell her so many things. If she's anything like me...she'd cry...(lol). Then we'd sing together...probably a combination of Sandi Patty meets Katy Perry. HAHA.

Did you know womens brains are like spaghetti noodles? Guys are more like waffles. We can think of a million things at once. Kind of like this entry....random noodles everywhere!

I have a GEORGIA DREAM SHEET. I made it in order to be able to set goals and get excited!
1. Find a church family. Actively sing in that church every chance they will let me
2. For our home to be a safe place...a place people find comfort...a place we can minister...a place we learn more about Jesus.
3. To be involved in the lives of the women there. No matter what it cost me, I want to love them. I want to be light walking in to a potentially dark and sad place.
4. To see an alligator cross the street... : )
5. Take a few photography classes at Valdosta st.
6. Battle people on xbox kinect dance central!
7. Mercie to make doggie friends at the dog park
8. To learn to cook for Austin (for real people!)
9. Find a way to worship in every circumstance, every hard time, when doubts are heavier than hope.
10. Have a job I love as much as I loved working at Rutherford.
11. To build special intentional relationships with people who have no hope.
12. To believe God. (I believe IN God...but sometimes I don't believe Him. Ya know?)
13. and MORE!

I also have a Georgia play list in the making on my Itunes

1. God is God -Steven Curtis Chapman
2.Moment made for worshipping -S.c.c
3. I will follow- Chris Tomlin
4. Seasons - Natalie Grant
5. Time in between - Francesca Battistelli
6. Who am I living for- Katy Perry
7.Go hard- Rebel
8. These hard times- Needtobreathe
9.Come Away With Me- Norah Jones
10. Feels Like Reign- UnNamed Servant

....there will be more! I will be listening to this mix on my drive to GA! Hopefully it will calm my spirit!

Thanks for reading ya'll!! Austin and I cherish your prayers. We will be moving Feb. 19th. He will be home from tech school on the third of February! Love you all!!

Around the corner....

Hello! It has been a few weeks since my last post. I guess sometimes my brain goes on auto pilot. I have one thing on my mind -Austin. lol. It's funny how even when we are apart, in my mind we are together. The days go by and I think of what we may be doing if he were here...or how he would play with Mercie...or what I would attempt to cook. Regardless, it is like trying to fly with one wing. For a little while you may find your balance to glide, but the wind blows and all of the sudden you are pissed your other wing is missing. HA.

I spent a week in Biloxi this week with my husband. Who knew a little hotel room with a ghetto t.v. could become home? I had to buy a bath tub stopper to take a bath…can't go without those! : ) Yes, I am addicted to baths. It's weird. It's like the world stops. I wonder if anyone else has this same obsession. Anyways, we got a call the Monday I got there that Russ (Austin's dad) had a 100% blockage in his widow maker. He was admitted to ICU and taken to Vanderbilt where he underwent open heart surgery the next morning. To make a long story short- GOD completely protected Russ. The tickets were also double to fly out the days after Monday. It was a another miracle for me to be with Austin during that time. He could not leave because of school and would have probably driven to Nashville without thinking twice! His dad asked him not to…so of course he listened. Russ came out of surgery well and was sent home a couple of days ago. It will be along recovery for him. We are so grateful for his life.

Today my niece Kate went in to brain surgery. She has seizures and this procedure is used to help control/stop them. She is an angel. There have been days I have just been hurting inside. Kate crawls up to me almost every time and just sits in my lap, lays on me or gives me exactly what I feel God would give me if he were a tiny 3 year old girl. : ) I have witnessed her sensitivity to others feelings around her on numerous occasions. She has a gift. I am praying for her today. Remembering the joy her life truly is and how lucky I am to be her Aunt Mu.

Three weeks until Christmas. "Dear Santa, could you please let this FLY by? I think I may be on your naughty list but I'll be good I swear!" This will be the sweetest Christmas. Austin will be home with his entire family. It's been since June that we have all been together. I can't even think of Christmas presents because he is my gift this year! Although I know he wants an IPAD so I'm taking donations. lol. Christmas Eve at the Opryland hotel has always been a tradition. This year I think Russ may be catered to and rolled around in one of their golden wheel chairs! Hopefully he will feel up to the outing. It can get kinda crazy around there! Regardless, it will be a very special time. I may just go buy some green and red construction paper and make my very own countdown to Austin chain! -loved those when I was little. (sigh). : )

Well, got a couple hours until my flight. I always get a little nervous. I never get nervous getting in to a car going 70 with a hundred cars flying past me. Conditioning. I guess I'm not conditioned to flying yet. It just makes me nervous. I always pray that angels would sit on the wings, fix the engines and land the plane safely. Once i get on I am fine. It's the waiting. BLEH. Hmmm waiting….the theme of my life these days!

By the way, we get to move to Valdosta, GA middle of February. Never in my life would I think I would be excited about moving to a completely new place. Change isn't my thing. But I guess God has changed my heart. I can't wait! Bring on this place two hours from the beach and people I've never met, things I've never done and a life with my husband once again! WHOOHOOO!

Dear God....

Lately, I have had some precious conversations. I can not express to you the hearts that I have seen lately. Their stories have LITERALLY brought me to my knees. My soul rejoices in their longing for Christ but weeps for the pain they have seen. I'm telling you that it hasn't been just one person...it has been MANY. Wow, this world is so full of injustice. When I listen to their words I just hear tragedy. Often times after the conversation is over I just sit there and think..."Why God? Why not me? Why them? This is everywhere isn't it?" So many times I am praying in my head while they speak, "What am I supposed to do? Why am I hearing this? What do you want from me?" Most of the time this is the answer I hear very clearly, "Melody, no one is praying for them. They have not one person that lifts them up daily." Then I think of the people in my life who must lift me up daily. The people who love me. I think God is showing me the ones He loves, the ones that cry, the ones that have feel so alone...the ones that are forgotten.

When I think back to Austin and I's first conversation about the Air Force I can remember specifically saying, "I want God to send me women I can minister to in the Air Force". That was always the small voice in my heart. I thought that maybe when we got to out first base I would start a Bible study or just be the light to other women in the same situation. But from the moment Austin left, it's like a SLEW (love that word) of opportunities to talk to women opened up. And sometimes I wonder if they have taught me more than I have them. I am now a witness to how powerful prayer really is....

I keep a prayer journal for my husband. It's mainly very specific things that I pray for everyday but sometimes I just talk to God. I have about 20 prayer journals I've kept through the years. I went through them the other night and realized that I NEVER prayed for anything specific. I just rambled. Did I think God wouldn't hear me? Or did I just not have anything specific to pray about? Let me tell you that since I have been writing down very specific detailed prayers, answers have been flowing in like a river. It has been the coolest thing ever. Literally I am marking things off my list with the answers provided written next to them. And it's not like a Christmas list either...lol. For instance, one day I wrote "Please send a person to Austin today that is in need. Allow Austin to use his gifts to minister to them." Austin called me later that afternoon and said "The coolest thing just happened! I helped a guy change his flat tire and we got to talk about Jesus!" I laughed because that's not at all what I had an image of when I prayed for that, but it completely was an answer to my prayers. Another funny example...I know that Austin loves to run but once he got in to school the work just over loaded him and he felt like he did not have time. The PT (exercising with the group of other tech students in the morning) was a joke. There were so many of them that the leaders basically put no effort in to their conditioning. So I prayed and prayed "Lord please give him the motivation to run. He NEEDS to de-stress this way!". For a few weeks nothing happened. Just recently Austin was moved into block three. He is on something called T-shift. Which is 3 in the afternoon to 12 at night. Listen to this, Austin still has to PT, but it is with a very small group of tech students. The leaders work them very hard and he actually HAS TO RUN! WHAT? Another surprising answer to a prayer!

The list goes on and on...but my point is....if our prayers are not redundant and boring (how would you like it if someone you loved said the exact same thing to you every single day?) the fruit will speak for God's power in itself. I am so thankful that I serve a God who hears my heart when I pour it out honestly and fervently. I do not think he will always answer me the way I want or plan...actually I hope he doesn't because his ideas and ways are MUCH better than mine!

Thanks for all of you who have prayed for Austin and I as well. We are half way through and have already felt the power of your prayers.