Situations of Silence

Silence. It can be a scary sound. Waiting. An equally frightening feeling. When there is nothing concrete, this is what we say and feel. Sometimes it's all we can. You feel everything, and yet nothing. Someone asks how you are and you have no idea how to respond or if they really want to know. Everything you know is about to change. The trust you say you have in a faithful God seems like it's not enough for this. In our brokenness the only thing we trust is silence. It's there whether we want it to be or not. We can somewhat control it. That's empowering. We can choose to be silent or speak up. We can choose to hear the silence or turn on the t.v. It can be acknowledged or ignored. It can be a feeling of defeat or one of conquer. But when God seems silent.....our plea for loudness grows. I don't doubt for a second He sees my silent tears. And when I can not speak, His silence can defend me. Because I know that His silence is greater than my words. I'm beginning to believe that silence may be our greatest gift. When we don't know what to say...He has the opportunity. Whether it be with words or stillness...He is made known.

On the other end, NOISE. God gave us the gift of words and sometimes we just waste them. We use them to destroy instead of build. I'm starting to believe that when we are in situations of silence, God is speaking.

I'm in a situation of silence. My emotions change with every second. I am wondering what the heck God is doing. haha. Just being honest! There is nothing to lean on at this point. I sit in silence more these days than I EVER have in my life. My eyes stare off in to space and even now the words just don't come. Lately, I contemplate relationships. I notice people I once knew, float away. Life changes us, grows us and people leave. We leave. We are leaving. I grasp for everything I once felt comfortable with or apart of, only to find that wasn't forever either. I think of the lives I invested in or the places I knew would always be "that way". But when I go back there, even if it's just in my mind...I realize just how little control I had/have. Things we build fall apart. Does it mean it's for nothing? Not if it was done in the name of Jesus. Not if I loved with His love. But to believe that everything remains the same is foolish. Time to start over...and I imagine I'll be starting over a lot. That's ok. That probably means more silence...and more trusting God.

I am thankful for the people who gather around me when I am silent- my husband, my families, my dog Mercie. : ) In their acceptance of my silence I hear love. And I learn to love other people in theirs.

And I am learning to let go of the past and reach out to the future. I am thankful that God believes in Austin and I enough to separate us from what we know to use us somewhere else. He must know we can do it. He must have great things in store. He has to have great faith that we will have faith in Him. And He must be able to take care of the people we love here.

Situations of silence can have many different roots. I have a feeling I am not the only one. Just trust that if we are believing God for an answer, this is enough. Who knows, it may be MORE than enough. ; )

Hey ya'll! WOW it's been like almost 2 months since I've updated this thing! I guess that makes me a slacker??

I can definitely say that I am experiencing a very wide range of emotions! Knowing that this season of separation from my husband is coming to a close- I am overjoyed! But knowing that I will leave behind the ones that love me most is very hard. I find myself laughing and enjoying people and all of the sudden a deep sadness is felt in the pit of my stomach. I keep saying, "God we thought this was a good idea, why again?".

My niece Kate took her first steps last week. She is three and special needs. When I went to see her walk and she took her first steps to me....I smiled on the outside but on the inside I realized that she will continue to grow and I may not be here to see that. Finding things out via phone calls or facebook takes second to seeing her sweet spirit fight for the life God has for her. Layla, the newest addition to the Benton family...is an explosion of personality. Being able to bond with her as she grows is priceless. Layla will accomplish anything and everything she wants to do. She will love her sister and her family. She will bring laughter and healing. And though we may be apart for a season, we will always have a special bond. Her love for music, dancing and laughter will be enough to bring us together every time we see eachother.

Luca, ahh my sweet Luca. Another story of God's faithfulness. When Luca was first adopted by Jen and Paul I did not think that being a big part of his life would ever be realistic. Jennifer has been my mentor for a long time. Being able to give the love she gave me to the heart that beats outside her chest is amazing. He is my buddy. God has taken this tiny soul and used it to hug me, love me, and allow me to do the same for him while Austin has been away. In my heart he is an irreplaceable gift that God brought to me when I needed it the most.

Initially my thoughts for the little ones above and the ones not mentioned was, "but God, what will they do without me? How will their hearts hurt when I am gone?" God spoke to me and reminded me that HE is their God. He has given them all they need and more to succeed on their journeys. The real question is "God, what will I do without them?". See the truth is...I probably need them more than they do me.

I have lived here my entire life. While my dreams have always been to travel and experience different cultures and people...I am terrified! Isn't it what God has for us that scares us the most? What if I am not good enough? What if I fail? I guess I'll keep that dream hidden inside...just incase I experience rejection. Austin and I do not want our lives to be full of "what if"? I have envisioned what our lives would have been had we not joined the AF. Honestly, I see two sad people sitting on a couch having the "why didn't we?" conversation. That to me is more tragic than leaving. I'd say there are parts of who I am that have been idle...also tragic. I found myself looking at a picture of my little kid self...man if I could talk to her. First of all, I'd hug her (me). I would tell her so many things. If she's anything like me...she'd cry...(lol). Then we'd sing together...probably a combination of Sandi Patty meets Katy Perry. HAHA.

Did you know womens brains are like spaghetti noodles? Guys are more like waffles. We can think of a million things at once. Kind of like this entry....random noodles everywhere!

I have a GEORGIA DREAM SHEET. I made it in order to be able to set goals and get excited!
1. Find a church family. Actively sing in that church every chance they will let me
2. For our home to be a safe place...a place people find comfort...a place we can minister...a place we learn more about Jesus.
3. To be involved in the lives of the women there. No matter what it cost me, I want to love them. I want to be light walking in to a potentially dark and sad place.
4. To see an alligator cross the street... : )
5. Take a few photography classes at Valdosta st.
6. Battle people on xbox kinect dance central!
7. Mercie to make doggie friends at the dog park
8. To learn to cook for Austin (for real people!)
9. Find a way to worship in every circumstance, every hard time, when doubts are heavier than hope.
10. Have a job I love as much as I loved working at Rutherford.
11. To build special intentional relationships with people who have no hope.
12. To believe God. (I believe IN God...but sometimes I don't believe Him. Ya know?)
13. and MORE!

I also have a Georgia play list in the making on my Itunes

1. God is God -Steven Curtis Chapman
2.Moment made for worshipping -S.c.c
3. I will follow- Chris Tomlin
4. Seasons - Natalie Grant
5. Time in between - Francesca Battistelli
6. Who am I living for- Katy Perry
7.Go hard- Rebel
8. These hard times- Needtobreathe
9.Come Away With Me- Norah Jones
10. Feels Like Reign- UnNamed Servant

....there will be more! I will be listening to this mix on my drive to GA! Hopefully it will calm my spirit!

Thanks for reading ya'll!! Austin and I cherish your prayers. We will be moving Feb. 19th. He will be home from tech school on the third of February! Love you all!!

Around the corner....

Hello! It has been a few weeks since my last post. I guess sometimes my brain goes on auto pilot. I have one thing on my mind -Austin. lol. It's funny how even when we are apart, in my mind we are together. The days go by and I think of what we may be doing if he were here...or how he would play with Mercie...or what I would attempt to cook. Regardless, it is like trying to fly with one wing. For a little while you may find your balance to glide, but the wind blows and all of the sudden you are pissed your other wing is missing. HA.

I spent a week in Biloxi this week with my husband. Who knew a little hotel room with a ghetto t.v. could become home? I had to buy a bath tub stopper to take a bath…can't go without those! : ) Yes, I am addicted to baths. It's weird. It's like the world stops. I wonder if anyone else has this same obsession. Anyways, we got a call the Monday I got there that Russ (Austin's dad) had a 100% blockage in his widow maker. He was admitted to ICU and taken to Vanderbilt where he underwent open heart surgery the next morning. To make a long story short- GOD completely protected Russ. The tickets were also double to fly out the days after Monday. It was a another miracle for me to be with Austin during that time. He could not leave because of school and would have probably driven to Nashville without thinking twice! His dad asked him not to…so of course he listened. Russ came out of surgery well and was sent home a couple of days ago. It will be along recovery for him. We are so grateful for his life.

Today my niece Kate went in to brain surgery. She has seizures and this procedure is used to help control/stop them. She is an angel. There have been days I have just been hurting inside. Kate crawls up to me almost every time and just sits in my lap, lays on me or gives me exactly what I feel God would give me if he were a tiny 3 year old girl. : ) I have witnessed her sensitivity to others feelings around her on numerous occasions. She has a gift. I am praying for her today. Remembering the joy her life truly is and how lucky I am to be her Aunt Mu.

Three weeks until Christmas. "Dear Santa, could you please let this FLY by? I think I may be on your naughty list but I'll be good I swear!" This will be the sweetest Christmas. Austin will be home with his entire family. It's been since June that we have all been together. I can't even think of Christmas presents because he is my gift this year! Although I know he wants an IPAD so I'm taking donations. lol. Christmas Eve at the Opryland hotel has always been a tradition. This year I think Russ may be catered to and rolled around in one of their golden wheel chairs! Hopefully he will feel up to the outing. It can get kinda crazy around there! Regardless, it will be a very special time. I may just go buy some green and red construction paper and make my very own countdown to Austin chain! -loved those when I was little. (sigh). : )

Well, got a couple hours until my flight. I always get a little nervous. I never get nervous getting in to a car going 70 with a hundred cars flying past me. Conditioning. I guess I'm not conditioned to flying yet. It just makes me nervous. I always pray that angels would sit on the wings, fix the engines and land the plane safely. Once i get on I am fine. It's the waiting. BLEH. Hmmm waiting….the theme of my life these days!

By the way, we get to move to Valdosta, GA middle of February. Never in my life would I think I would be excited about moving to a completely new place. Change isn't my thing. But I guess God has changed my heart. I can't wait! Bring on this place two hours from the beach and people I've never met, things I've never done and a life with my husband once again! WHOOHOOO!

Dear God....

Lately, I have had some precious conversations. I can not express to you the hearts that I have seen lately. Their stories have LITERALLY brought me to my knees. My soul rejoices in their longing for Christ but weeps for the pain they have seen. I'm telling you that it hasn't been just one person...it has been MANY. Wow, this world is so full of injustice. When I listen to their words I just hear tragedy. Often times after the conversation is over I just sit there and think..."Why God? Why not me? Why them? This is everywhere isn't it?" So many times I am praying in my head while they speak, "What am I supposed to do? Why am I hearing this? What do you want from me?" Most of the time this is the answer I hear very clearly, "Melody, no one is praying for them. They have not one person that lifts them up daily." Then I think of the people in my life who must lift me up daily. The people who love me. I think God is showing me the ones He loves, the ones that cry, the ones that have feel so alone...the ones that are forgotten.

When I think back to Austin and I's first conversation about the Air Force I can remember specifically saying, "I want God to send me women I can minister to in the Air Force". That was always the small voice in my heart. I thought that maybe when we got to out first base I would start a Bible study or just be the light to other women in the same situation. But from the moment Austin left, it's like a SLEW (love that word) of opportunities to talk to women opened up. And sometimes I wonder if they have taught me more than I have them. I am now a witness to how powerful prayer really is....

I keep a prayer journal for my husband. It's mainly very specific things that I pray for everyday but sometimes I just talk to God. I have about 20 prayer journals I've kept through the years. I went through them the other night and realized that I NEVER prayed for anything specific. I just rambled. Did I think God wouldn't hear me? Or did I just not have anything specific to pray about? Let me tell you that since I have been writing down very specific detailed prayers, answers have been flowing in like a river. It has been the coolest thing ever. Literally I am marking things off my list with the answers provided written next to them. And it's not like a Christmas list either...lol. For instance, one day I wrote "Please send a person to Austin today that is in need. Allow Austin to use his gifts to minister to them." Austin called me later that afternoon and said "The coolest thing just happened! I helped a guy change his flat tire and we got to talk about Jesus!" I laughed because that's not at all what I had an image of when I prayed for that, but it completely was an answer to my prayers. Another funny example...I know that Austin loves to run but once he got in to school the work just over loaded him and he felt like he did not have time. The PT (exercising with the group of other tech students in the morning) was a joke. There were so many of them that the leaders basically put no effort in to their conditioning. So I prayed and prayed "Lord please give him the motivation to run. He NEEDS to de-stress this way!". For a few weeks nothing happened. Just recently Austin was moved into block three. He is on something called T-shift. Which is 3 in the afternoon to 12 at night. Listen to this, Austin still has to PT, but it is with a very small group of tech students. The leaders work them very hard and he actually HAS TO RUN! WHAT? Another surprising answer to a prayer!

The list goes on and on...but my point is....if our prayers are not redundant and boring (how would you like it if someone you loved said the exact same thing to you every single day?) the fruit will speak for God's power in itself. I am so thankful that I serve a God who hears my heart when I pour it out honestly and fervently. I do not think he will always answer me the way I want or plan...actually I hope he doesn't because his ideas and ways are MUCH better than mine!

Thanks for all of you who have prayed for Austin and I as well. We are half way through and have already felt the power of your prayers.

VOICE

Sometimes I just want a voice. I just want to know that what I have to say, what I feel...matters. Maybe that's why I have this blog. Because I am too scared to hear the sound of voices that don't agree or tell me that I am wrong. I can just write and be heard (or not heard). Sometimes I am so scared to just SAY IT. I just hold it in, soak it in, breathe in the lie that I will not be heard the way I intended to be heard. Silently, a little piece of me dies. My friend calls it "little murders".

Today I went shopping. I saw a man on the corner wearing jeans and a nice jacket over his white shirt. All of the sudden he busts out in full dance mode. I was so glad to be sitting at that red light. I just laughed and laughed because he was so sane looking and then all of the sudden he wasn't! He saw me smiling, pointed at me and mouthed "This is for you". Then he proceeded to do a move I can't describe. I just laughed so hard. I thought, that's what life is all about. Who cares why he is out there! He's making people smile! It was like seeing a little color in this gray world. That's what I want my voice to be. Colorful. Different. I'm sure people rolled their eyes at him, thought he was crazy, ignored him, called him stupid....but I saw life. It's not often I see someone dancing on the street in front of a busy mall. I guess if my voice is in comparison to that man...then everyone will have a different reaction.

There's something special about the way I think. I know I have a different outlook. Sometimes I wish people weren't so closed minded. I don't understand when people always think they are right. If it's not what they feel or believe it deserves a slap down. I WANT to know different opinions. I want to see things from all sides. I love talking to people who have a challenging question or a point of view I never thought of...I like to think "hey maybe I was wrong about that!" I never want to be old and stuck. LOL. Stuck in a way of thinking that never ever changes. A place where I think I know everything about everything. I always want to be the first to say...teach me. I never want my voice to be so loud I can't hear others or His. But right now my voice sounds shaky. It sounds frustrated. Because I am VERY frustrated. I feel like my voice won't come out most of the time. Which leaves me mute and sad. I know why. But I can't tell you that either. Haha.

Austin used to call me a locked safe. He said he could look at me and see a million things running through my mind behind my eyes but he could never get me to just say it. After lots of hard work and practice..it feels like he is the key to my safe. : ) Once i started talking I found that he listened...and cared...even if it wasn't his point of view. Even now I just talk and talk and he is like..."whoa slow down! I have no idea what you mean"...but he listens through his own ideas, his own way of viewing things. Then he says "I'm glad you see things that way even if I don't." I want to be like him....i want to give other people the chance to be heard like he hears me. I love my husband. Thank you Jesus.

I miss him. I miss the voice I have when I am with him. I want to have that voice now but maybe I just have to fight through some fears and lies to get there. Maybe it'll be a good thing.

Let's talk about FAT

Ok ladies, this is your heart. I know every single one of you (except my mom maybe) looks in the mirror and see that FATTY MCFATTERSON staring back at you. So I have never ever written about this subject because I don't want people to think I think I'm fat. It's one of those "keeping it together" things. But come on....if I didn't write about it who would? No one wants to admit they scrutinize over food, exercise to stop the guilt, or look in the mirror at the flaws and get very very angry.....only to find that maybe brownies could stop the pain! YES that's what I need! BROWNIES! haha.

So I have been watching the show "Ruby" since it aired. I LOVE HER. I'm sure anyone struggling with their weight LOVES her. How could you not? She's putting her fat, her fight and her face all over the world! Why? I believe it is to inspire and to bring a voice to something that we all deal with so silently. So as I watched today the last episode of season 2 all I wanted to do was hug her. She has a heart. Every overweight person has a heart. That sounds harsh. But this society scrutinizes and stares, calls them names behind closed doors, and thanks GOD we don't look THAT fat! But what I see is brokenness. I see a person hurting and this is their shield. She is realizing that her eating disorder comes from emotional scars, emptiness is areas she doesn't fully understand yet. How scary would it be if we all took a look at ourselves and said "Why do I do that?". What if we all went on a mission to dig up pain and hurt...then deal with it.

Some of you may not understand why I can even empathize with her. People normally see "little" when they look at me. When I thought about when I started to feel "fat" I remember the third grade. That would make me, what like 8? Jen (Mrs. C) can remember complimenting me one day in the lunch room before school. She said I looked pretty and she liked my outfit. My response? "No I don't. I look fat!" I chuckle now because it was so out of character for an 8 year old to say those words. I'm not sure what happened. I don't know why I started viewing myself that way. I don't know why I got chubby. I don't know when the obsession started or why. I just remember it started and it hasn't stopped. Have there been times when I knew I looked good on the outside? Yes. But on the inside I was tortured...counting every bite. See, looking skinny doesn't solve the problem either. It's so much deeper. Maybe in the third grade I realized that people were mean. Maybe my innocence was shaken and I got scared. I've always been sensitive and the world wasn't fitting in to the picture I had painted of this colorful rainbow world full of Jesus. lol. I started doubting myself. What if I wasn't good enough? What if people didn't love me? I was even scared to sing. What if my voice wasn't good enough? It makes me very sad to think that God gave me a gift, a voice, and I was so terrified that I hid it. I am still hiding it. Anyone heard me sing lately? It's a shame isn't it? Well, I'm working on that. I can't let satan poo poo face steal my talent. I only sing when I feel safe. But I want to sing when I feel scared, anytime any place. Everyone hides. But I can't anymore. Because Melody will die if I hide. I can't let that happen.

Lately, I just want to relay that "they have hearts". That's what I hear in my head all the time. My sister in law has two adopted children (not white! GASP!). When I hear stories of people giving her looks or staring my blood fuels. See, these babies have HEARTS. When I see a homeless person and I hear snide remarks I just fall apart inside. Even mean people have hearts. Crazy people have hearts. Obese people have hearts. White snotty Americans have hearts. Your horrible co worker...yep...theirs beats too. Instead of shutting them out what if we ministered to their hearts? You hear minister and you hear "give the poor money, amuse the crazy, or give the heavy lady a gift certificate to Arby's" but that's how satan has our minds working. There is so much MORE. Simply open your heart and you'll minister to theirs. It's like a game of dominos. It's so simple but it drastically changes lives. YOUR HEART. Yes, your heart is the answer. If you don't feel anything...you haven't even begun to help them. There is a secret in their hearts that only YOUR heart can unlock.

This blog isn't about weight loss. It's about the life Jesus came to give us. He doesn't tell us that we might have life...he says we WILL HAVE LIFE. He tells us who we are. Our addictions and obsessions can not be cured by our own hand...it is truly a healing process through Jesus Christ. Our image of perfection has to start to look like Jesus...not skinny people, rich people or those who seem to have their stuff together. It has to start looking like a heart. We have to go deeper everyday. Then Jesus will become BIGGER than the BIG you see in the mirror. : )

Blindsided

Aren't we all wanted? Doesn't Christ call us to love...even if we don't agree with their lifestyles? By love I don't mean pity or judge, by love I do not mean handing them a piece of paper that has John 3:16 on it, by love I don't mean smiling and then talking about them to your friends. By love I mean literally seeing a person created fully by God, by love I mean spending time with them in order to understand their hearts, by love I mean putting our standards aside. I understand that we all have gifts and different ways of ministering but there is one thing that should remain the same in all of us....we are no better than them. Our choices do not give us the right to place someone in the corner. I speak to myself when I say all of this.

This morning I fell asleep on the couch waiting for Luca to wake up. I did not pray this morning. I did not get up on the right side of the bed. I did not eat my breakfast without spilling something. I did nothing to deserve anything. And then this happened- I dreamed that I was asleep on the couch (which I was) and that there was an angel standing beside the arm rest. It was one of those half awake and half asleep moments. I knew I was dreaming but I also knew it was a replica of what was actually happening. So yeah, it was weird. Anyways, this angel in my dream leaned over and I could feel breath on my neck. It wasn't a soft breath either. It was firm and gentle at the same time. I heard the air hit my ears. Then I felt so warm, like I was wrapped up in arms. Now, excuse it away if you must, but I can not. Because it changed me. I dream a lot and they never really change a way of thinking for me. I woke up completely different then when I fell asleep. I woke up in tears. A weight was lifted and I could breathe. I knew at that moment that I really WASN'T alone. I wasn't afraid because I knew that if that was what heaven felt like than death is nothing to fear. I felt like God said, "I LOVE YOU MELODY". That's all I heard. That's all I felt. In my 24 years I have never ever ever felt anything like it.

So on my way home today I began to think about this. I wanted to ask God why that moment. I wasn't looking, I wasn't asking and I felt unworthy. So I said "Thank you." It's all I could even muster up to say because I was embarrassed. Yes, ashamed. I imagine it was what the woman who was being accused of adultery felt like when he said "Where are your accusers?" Isn't that when we feel love the strongest? When we know we are undeserving? I began to talk to God about how little faith I have these day. I told Him I felt guilty all the time. Tears ran down my face while I drove in the pouring rain. You see, I am terrified of driving in the rain. I get instant panic attacks. I fear death. But a couple minutes into my gripping the steering wheel episode, I remember that feeling I had earlier today. Complete peace and safety. I released my grip and let go (not of the wheel don't worry!). It gave me a whole new appreciation for the song "Jesus take the wheel". haha. No, I let go of my worry. I now know what it feels like to be in His arms. Even though I don't have that warm feeling at this moment...I know it exists in other ways all the time.

God spoke something in to my heart today. I know God is righteous but I feel like this world teaches us to be righteous in ourselves, not Him. If we were righteous in Him we would not be of our own direction. We would not put a label on who is worthy of help and love. God validated my feelings. He reminded me today that no one is worthy. I wasn't worthy, but regardless he gave me a gift. If the God of our universe came to a sad, untrusting child.....Surely he wants us to do the same for others. Doing something for someone who is unworthy is very hard. Finding it in our hearts to reach out to those who do not understand is why we are here.

Am I perfect? No. Am I healed forever, never to experience pain again? No. Am I loved? Yes. Is pain and imperfection made easier to walk through if I know God is for me? Absolutely.

A friend of mine had an experience similar to this. Unexplainably and undeniably our Father's hand told her that He loved her. I remember saying "I want God to do that for me!" Well, He has. And I am sure it will not be the last time. : )