She's in shock!

Tonight I feel like writing. It isn't often I get a chance to take a break but this week has been a good opportunity for me to get my thoughts straight. I think one of the challenges of being in such an all consuming program is that sometimes you push your thoughts, desires, relationships and more aside to succeed. I knew the price when I entered and I know God is faithful...always. Today I volunteered for a paramedic and EMT state practical skills exam. I was a patient with bruises and a broken femur!I had been thrown from a car! I was also unconscious. I must admit it was pretty fun. But laying there I thought,"wow this is so fake for me but so real for somebody at this very moment". As the training paramedics announced I was going in to shock I thought, "these guys will save someone's life! How cool is that!" But this is what our profession is faced with every day - life and death. In order to see the value of a life saved we must also see death, dying and suffering. My teacher said that you can not be a emotionally stable nurse unless you deal with your own mortality. What does that mean? Well, to know that just like our patients lives were thrown off course, ours could be as well without a moments notice. We can not escape the reality that this life on earth will end and we do not know when. I've had a lot of fears about this and still do as I write this. I have many fears as those of your who are close to me know. There are days I would choose to live in the house than go to the store because WHAT IF a storm comes? I panic a lot. The worse case scenario floods my mind and I can't shake it. When I confide in people most say, "well, fear is the opposite of faith!" or "what's so bad about dying? You'll be in heaven!". Hmmm, this doesn't really fix this mentality of thinking. Are those things true? Yes. If I say it over and over will I begin to believe it? Probably not. What does work is when I say, "God has a plan for my life." I know this! Surrender is such a hard thing. That's what I struggle with. Surrendering my own desire for control for His. Life is messy but there are times when we look back and say, "No that was a beautiful time in my life". Those moments help me remember I serve a sovereign Lord who designed me for a purpose. Do I fall short? Yes. Does he use me anyways? Absolutely. Will there be messy times when I say "what the helicopter is going on and what am I doing?" YES. But because I know Jesus there will be a time following that of a chance to minister, a chance to grow in character and a chance to embrace the life I have been given. So now you know I have a bit of an anxiety disorder which include fears of : driving in the rain, leaving the dogs for too long, leaving the coffee pot on and the house burning down, being stranded on the side of the road at night, dying of some mysterious illness I haven't quite pinpointed yet other than I always have it (LOL), taking antibiotics because they can cause steven-johnson's syndrome, and the list goes on and on! haha. But each day I will thank God for the life he has given me, for the lessons I have learned and will learn and the chance to breathe everyday. And when my time is up (in 80 years..just sayin) I will rejoice with my Savior who has never left me or forsaken me! I am also thankful for those in my life who embrace this part of me and work with me to think differently. I know I can not be the only one who feels this way...so if it's you...YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Let's start a club! haha. Love ya'll!

Redeemed

‎"Redeemed ... "to pay the full amount owed so as to secure the release of the debtor from the Debtor's Prison." (literal translation at the time of Christ). Praise God, I've been Redeemed!

Dad posted this on my face book today and it hit my heart. "Debtor's prison" rang so true to the mindset I was in a year ago. To feel so trapped in your own sin, selfish thinking, and pity is definitely a prison. And yet, in His perfect timing He reached in to my life and pulled me to His chest and said "this isn't what you were created for" and I cried. I never asked Him how he would fix this....this brokenness. Truly, I was so desperate I clung to whatever He said and said "thank you Jesus for going before me!" It was truly like he had been searching for his little lost sheep. I believe I had a lot of heart issues. My heart was not in him, it was in me. Well, it's still in me (pulse 66...lol) but my love is for Him. What breaks His heart breaks mine because we are one. I have looked around at the suffering around me and I couldn't figure out why I was so sad for them. Yes, empathy is a gift I have but tears all day? Tonight I realized I am shedding the tears He is shedding, my heart breaks for the lost as His does...because when he redeemed me....he took my broken heart and made it His.

I want the ones I love, even the ones I don't like that much (being honest here!) to experience that. Sometimes I want to grab someone's hand and say "you're not alone". Most of the time it's Brittanie's hand because she's the only one at school that won't let go. Yeah, I get it..it makes people feel weird. But really, what I'm saying is "I love you. He loves you. We are not alone." I literally can be walking with Mercie, see a sweet old man walking his laps and have a overwhelming desire to hold his hand and say "Hi, you are not alone." (Are you thinking safety issues?? Well, I do too which is why I didn't do that.) This is a new thing for me. Actually it just started this past year, an overwhelming desire to hold people's hands while they talk to me or physically embrace them. A classmate came up to me the other day and gave me a hug. She said "You always give them out so I thought I'd give you one." Oh, my heart flipped with joy! It DOES feel good to be embraced and be told we are not alone. A teacher hugged me in the hall today for no apparent reason, not knowing how heavy my heart was today. There's freedom in an embrace. For that moment we feel connected....saved....

I believe that is how redemption feels. I believe that is what Jesus longs for us to feel everyday. Redeeming power. Endless love. Hope for the broken because of Jesus' sacrifice.

Old jacket, squeaky car and five dollars

So there are a few times in my life when a lightbulb goes off and tears fill my eyes. During that moment I think...I must write about this! It doesn't happen as often as I'd like but days like today help me remember how loved I am. Here's the story....

Today was a typical day. I wanted to get out and get some errands done since yesterday was apparently a holiday? Who knew! Grocery shopping was on my to-do list which normally consists of fighting the crowd at the(kind of gross) Wal-mart in Valdosta, waiting in line for 30 minutes and feeling like I must use hand sanitizer the minute I get in to the car! Haha. But not today. My husband texts me while I am waiting in line at the bank. "Hey, what are you doing? Could you bring me my basketball shoes?", read the text. And he's so sweet...how could I say no? So I go home, get his shoes and make my way towards base. While I am on base I decide to go to the commissary (which I never do). I am a creature of habit and Wal-mart has been my shopping place for almost four years! Anyways, I make my rounds at the store where I am pleasantly surprised by the selection and prices. I also love that there are not crowds of people fighting over the boxed dinners, carts stopped in the center of the isle, or people bumping in to me every 5 seconds. I love this! I go to the check out and remember they have baggers at this Commissary and it is polite to tip them when they help you out to your car. "Can you break this 20 for me please?",I ask the cashier. My bagger was an older asian woman who spoke little english. On our way out she commented on how cold it was outside. She had a thin jacket on over her work clothes. "I must get a bigger jacket!", she said with a smile. Followed by, "You're jacket is so nice and thick."(It's five years old and I think it smells funny). As we approach the car I am shocked when she says this, "WOW, you are doing so well for a young person! You're car is so nice!" You may ask why I am shocked. Well, Austin and I do have a nice car...2008 Ford Edge. And we are very blessed to have a 95 honda civic with a bad tint job that is paid for and runs nicely. However, it is not the nicest to look at. "Yeah?....", is all I can get out. As she shuts the trunk I hand her a five dollar bill. Her eyes fill with tears and she holds it to her chest and says ,"five dollars! You have just made my day!"

I pull out of the parking lot, tears streaming down my face. Not because I am so moved that I gave her five dollars (yay me) but because so often I forget how much I have been given.

Austin and I watched a documentary the other night called "A day in the life". People all over the world sent in footage from their day on July 24th 2010. It was compiled in to a very artistic film that I enjoyed. We talked afterwards about how we forget how other people live. I forget this is not the only way of life. I forget that having money in our pockets makes us wealthy compared to the poverty of this world. I forget that "my world" is not everyone else's. It makes you sad when you realize the worries of your day are not worries in comparison to the people going through garbage to eat or showering with one cup of dirty water. ...or a sweet old lady who thinks your 95 honda with no air...funny smells and bad tinting is so nice. ...because maybe she doesn't have one at all.

My prayer is that I never forget how blessed I am. I want to continuously thank God for every drink of water, hot showers and the opportunity to give back.

I gave her a hug before she walked away and it seemed she was even more thankful for that. She doesn't know it, but her thankful spirit was contagious today.

The already obtained Christmas gifts

Hope. It is a word that I hold dear this Christmas. This past year has held more trials and character altering circumstances than any year in my life. I am so thankful for the hard times, the loneliness and the times I felt like I was walking on a tight rope, about to fall at any second. Every day I wake up and question my faith. Why? I live in a terminal state of "what ifs" and doubt. Very rarely do I just sit and empty my mind of the irrational thoughts. Jesus has literally saved me from myself more times than I can count.

I haven't written in awhile. I've learned boundaries and just because I feel it doesn't mean I should air it out to society. Some things should just be kept sacred. But there is a balance, and there is a part of Melody that desires to share my heart.

So what do I say? What could I possibly say to Jesus except "thank you". When asked for my Christmas list this year I just could not think of anything I had to have. That is WEIRD if you know me. The only explanation is that I have received so many blessing while feeling so unworthy this past year. How could I ask for more? I have my husband, which will always bring tears to my eyes. Being a military family and being separated sheds a new light on what is important. I have my family. They believed in me for so long and even now they stand beside me...cheering me on...with my track record being to crumble when it gets too hard. I have Austin's family, who are not obligated to love me but they do any ways. I have a few friends here in GA that have unknowingly been my angels, just loving me. I have two beautiful nieces that still remember me and Austin. To hear them say "Mu" just melts my heart. A hug from Kate could take away a thousand tears. A laugh from Layla helps you believe there is good in life. These things I can share because they are gifts from Jesus. I treasure them.

Getting in to the nursing program was the goal...and the Lord has helped me through testing anxiety, feeling that I would die (literally...lol),feelings of inadequacy, and the list goes on and on. When I found out I got in to my program I was like "NO WAY...NO WAY...HOW?" And then I was like "OH GOSH CAN I DO THIS?". Which was followed by, "WHAT IF I FAIL?" And the words of my father seep deep in to my mind "If you fail, you are no worse off than before. You just get back on the horse".

I have three exams on Wednesday that I am terrified of doing poorly on. I have above average grades in all three classes but "WHAT IF, BLAH BLAH BLAH". I actually just finished studying. But it never feels like it's enough. Sometimes when you have failed before, you forget you are capable of succeeding. I think I am genuinely surprised when I get good grades. I jump around like a kid shouting "I DID IT!". I appreciate that though. To feel that "I DID IT" emotion is better than shopping! Sadly, it is followed by "what if I don't do so well on the next thing?"...ahh the power of thoughts. I'm working on controlling those. Me and Jesus talk about that a lot. He says, "Why do you feel inadequate?" and I say, "I don't know! You tell me!" and then He says, "I love you."

In conclusion, I can thank my computer teacher for this entry. She read aloud to the class a small discussion on Access software that I wrote. She wrote me me a little something that reminded me that I should share more often. Even with this next year being in a nursing school coma, I will attempt to keep you readers up to date with this life Jesus is molding. :)

Job (long O)

"Such is the destiny of all who forget God; so perishes the hope of the godless. What he trusts in is fragile; what he relies on is a spider web. He leans on his web but it gives way; he clings to it, but it does not hold" - Job 8:13-15


I don't even know where to begin. I started reading Job a few days ago. Why? I've always disliked the story, the despair...the chaos. It is not exactly my favorite book of the Bible. God allowing satan to take everything a man loves out of his life to prove he is faithful is painful. Yes, I can say that. God already knows. lol. Revelation is another book I have yet to dive in to. But that's another story. ANYWAYS, so I started reading this mans story. At first I was like, "geez this guy whines alot!". Then I started to relate to him. Knowing I serve a faithful God does not mean I do not have days that I cry and say, "WHY GOD? What is this all about?". It's an emotion that every Christian experiences but feels ashamed to admit. After all, aren't we BELIEVERS? If we aren't saying "PRAISE THE LORD!" people may think we are doubting God. But don't we all.

I find it ironic God laid on my heart the book of Job (long O)...also pronounced...Job (soft O). To be honest, I am not comfortable where I am working right now. A few months back I had two job offers. One was a hospital photographer and the other a call center. I really felt like it was the right thing to do when I turned down the photographer job. I WAS CRAZY. lol. I felt like this one would be more flexible with school. I literally cried when I hung up the phone after saying no to the offer of photographing newborns in the hospital. It felt completely wrong but right at the same time. After Austin left and my training was over I was on my own. Everyday going in to listen to people rant and rave over their television (due to some legal papers I signed I am not permitted to say which provider...haha). I have encountered people who have no hope. Listening to their conversations saddens my heart. Listening to people yell and scream about a 3 dollar charge on their bill saddens my heart. Sitting in a box all day and coming home to an empty apartment...really saddens my heart.

Before I started reading Job I felt guilty for feeling so bitter. I felt like I should suppress it and not ask questions. But lately, I have been so honest with God. I have no one else to confide in; there is no one who understands my heart completely but Him. I guess I feel like I'm walking into a place of darkness everyday. I feel like I blur into the darkness, like I forget I am a light. I walk in to a place of despair and take despair home with me. I don't want to live that way. But I feel other people's emotions so strongly and this is what the majority of them feel...no hope...despair. I know there is a reason I am there right now. If for no other reason than to not be alone at home all day while Austin is deployed. I know I will see this as a blessing in the future. Just like Job was blessed in the end for trusting God...so will I be. But in the middle, it is life's hardships that bring us to that trust.

I normally don't ask for prayer on my blog. But if you'd like to pray for me...pray I find a job that allows me to be face to face with people in a semi-loving environment. lol. Pray I find a job that works with my school schedule..which I have found out this one will not. Pray for Austin as he also is working where he does not wish to be working (the desert). Pray for both of our hope to be restored and rest. We know we serve a faithful God. Being apart comes with being in the military and we thank God for the people He has sent us to build relationships with. You may never know how you have changed our lives during this time. We will continually thank God for his love for us. His hand is on us and He is not a God who will lead us to death, but life more abundantly. This is part of the process and we accept that. We are taking this one day at a time. We both appreciate the kind words and prayers that have already been spoken. May I touch a life the way some of you have ours.

Do you have any change?

Sometimes God will not change your circumstances until he changes your heart.

"Hello, thank you for calling. My name is Melody. Can I get you to verify the first and last name on the account?" I say this all day long at my job. Tonight I was reflecting back on the time I prayed and thanked Jesus for getting me a job here in Valdosta while waiting on school to start. I was so excited on my first day. This new thing from Jesus was so exciting! Now...not so much. Everyday I wake up alone. I go to a job where people are more concerned about television than life itself. My husband is deployed and my dog seems depressed. Life is not exactly a happy circumstance. I've wondered so many times the last few weeks if I have done something wrong. When I prayed that the Lord would change my heart and my attitude I did not expect it to be such a lonely and daunting experience. I was embracing change! The one thing I needed the most. Shouldn't this be a fairly easy process if I am in God's will?

But change only comes when we confront the fear in our lives. And the enemy is not happy when we do. Thoughts I called my own I am now realizing are lies. "Melody, what are you doing? Did you really think you could live away from your family while Austin was deployed?" "Wow Melody. Good job choice...way to turn down that photography job you were offered. You thought you were doing the right thing, huh?" And I've wanted to quit. I've wanted to quit this job and do what Melody does best...give up. I've wanted to find a happier circumstance, associating that with God's will for my life. But I am learning that change is a process. We pray and ask God to change our hearts. He does this through refining and testing of our character. And that my blog readers, is NOT happy times. Just because I feel alone doesn't mean I am. Just because it feels like I don't belong where I work doesn't mean God doesn't have a purpose for it. I am one that allows my fears to control my decisions. I think we all are. It takes a renewing of your mind everyday to push through those fears and say "I know I feel afraid but God says there is nothing to fear."

When you have lived 25 years of life paralyzed by fear...it's almost like physical therapy when you decide you want to walk again. Will you be reminded that you once couldn't move? Yes. Will you feel like the pain you feel in your body from trying to walk is too much? Yes. will you be discouraged that maybe one day you never will and this is a waste of time? Yes. Does that mean that you desiring to move again is not God's will for your life? No. Does it make Him any less sovereign or loving? No. It just means He needs to remind us that it is not possible without Him.

You see, God knows I am a co-dependant person. I find security in others. And when I knew he was calling me out of that I had no idea this would be the way out. SO I have a choice (as my mom would say)...thank God everyday for bringing me out of this circumstance the way He intended to...or go back to being paralyzed. So satan, you can suck it. Because I will not just walk...I will RUN. I may cry my way through physical therapy. I may ache to have Austin's companionship. I may worry about his safety or lively hood. But all of these things are emotions. Emotions come and go. God's promises are always true. So instead of focusing on my emotions...I need to focus on the truth. The truth is that being in God's will isn't always comfortable. It isn't roses. Knowing you need to pursue change in any area of life is difficult. Just mustering up the courage to admit it is tough. But walking through it is even harder. I always say that if satan is trying this hard to stop me....God must really be working. When you leave one thing it's not always important you enter in to a better circumstance...but that you are following the voice of God.

So I thank Him tonight through my tears. I thank Him for this time of solitude and reflection on my own character. I thank Him for teaching me how to relate to my husband in ways I never have before. I thank him for the promises He will fulfill through this muggy Georgia summer filled with gnats and call centers. : )

And satan you can still stuck it....yep...even doing the hand motion...because you are a LIAR. Can I get an amen? MAN! Where's my hand held fan? It's gettin hot in this church!! LOL.

Hidden cell phone

"I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me"

Sitting down at the place I do every morning..got my coffee...my lipgloss...my cell phone hidden...no one has come in to work yet. Someone says to me, "Why do you believe in Jesus?". Taken back by the sudden urgency of this question so early in the morning I respond..."Because he loves me". This brings on a conversation of how do I know He loves me? Look at this world we live in! Look at the tragedy and hard times in my own life! How could I say He loved me? Tears fill my heart for this beautiful unbelieving person sitting in front of me. Raised in church, force fed religion and heart hardened by tragedy...they never knew Jesus. The beautiful Jesus who holds me when I cry in the car or watches me throw fits. The Jesus who watches my fears play movies that paralyze me at night and still prays for my unbelieving heart. The Jesus I trust with my life because He is the only eternal thing I have. The only one I trust enough to even get up in the morning and live life.

I literally cry after conversations like this. I am so mad that the church doesn't teach Jesus. I am so mad that these loved ones are taught rejection by the Christian community. For a while I even boycotted church. Why go? Well, because if I don't love those people how will THEY know the love of Jesus. I think Jesus would go to church and teach people how to love each other. I think not one is worthy...including those in church. We are all human. We reject people all the time. Who am I to judge? The purpose of church is to learn and grow. I will not boycott that any more. I am no better than they are if I say I am too good to be apart of them. While sometimes I fear rejection...afraid they may see my imperfections and not allow me to associate with them. If they do, that's ok. Because "a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God not people." And I will continue to love.

I once wrote a blog about prisoners at work. I remember seeing them on the side of the road with shirts that said "thief" and "murdered". I wondered what my shirt would say. Or what would happen if we all had to wear shirts that disclosed our worst moments. I think we would embrace each other. I think we would realize how unworthy we all were. I know that Jesus loves me in spite of what my shirt says. And I believe that that is what true love is. Knowing that someone loves you regardless of what you have or will do is the ultimate love. Knowing that he also died on a cross for those exact things written on all of our shirts so that we could know His love. How great His love for me must be. How could I not cling to that? It is the greatest gift of all.

So why believe in Jesus? "I have come that you might have life and have it to the full"- Jesus. I believe in His promises. I know He is alive and I feel his love everyday. I can not help but love him.

Fatties in bikinis

Let's rewind shall we? Yes, we shall. Let's go back to July of 2010. Whoa, you really shouldn't be wearing that tiny bathing suit...oh wait, that's your July of 2010....Let's go back to mine...Whoa! I REALLY shouldn't be wearing a bathing suit at all! lol.

Kidding. : ) Austin is getting ready for basic training. We have packed up our apartment. I have moved in with my parents and I am saying goodbye to him. At this point, I have no idea what God wants from Melody. We make it through basic...now on to tech school. By the end of tech school we have been apart for almost 9 months. Still, I am apathetic about my life's direction. School? No way. Work? No thanks. I am about to move to Georgia and leave the comfort of my Tennessee home and family. Somewhere during that time I began to feel like I had lost "Melody" or wasn't seeking to find out who "Melody" was supposed to be. Utterly unhappy. Desperately wanting acceptance from anyone...and needing it from everyone. I have this fear of being rejected. I believe that after high school (maybe even before that) satan began to attack my thoughts...and I let him. I began to believe that I could not graduate college, my voice was nothing special, people would reject me if they really heard my thoughts, and of course that I was a terrible cook and would never successfully make a chicken pot pie. Well, enough is enough. God really got ahold of my heart...and not in the "oh that feels so good God! Thank you for disciplining me!" way. Through a series of unpleasant circumstances I saw so clearly. Satan had actually gotten me to feel sorry for myself everyday!! What in the world! How did that happen? Self-pity...my weakness.

I began to realize that things weren't happening "to me". I realized that my way of thinking was so off from His thoughts of me. Slowly, I began seeing the lies. Oh they are such ugly pathetic lies too. I mean, really? I had a friend share with me the promises God had already fulfilled in my life. She said I need to practice being thankful for those things that had not happened yet...but fully trust that God would not leave me desolate. By fully trust I mean fully let go of my expectations of what God should or should not do in my life. It was such a hard lesson. I mean we pray...we ask...we seek...but do we really every just say "Your will be done" and mean it with every part of our hearts? I'll answer that for you...NO.

So here we are...back in the present time (you look much better in your bathing suit by the way). Austin has once again been asked to leave his family in order to serve our country. We got a solid two months of adjusting to living together again and enjoying our marriage. My first response to his deployment news was something like this..."WHAT THA BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!" and then "WHY GOD?" and then "bleep bleep bleep" and finally..."Ok, Lord your will be done." And every day I thank him for this circumstance. I must be crazy right? Well, I am not going back to feeling sorry for myself. I fight it every day and it will not ruin my life anymore. Yes, I dislike my job, being alone here in GA, and going to a church where no one knows my name. But slowly I am finding that God is truly blessing me in this time. Just when I say to myself "I can't do it"...God says, "Melody, you ARE doing it".

My decision to go back to school and pursue my LPN was not without a lot of prayer. But the answer was so clear to me. I've been out of high school for almost 7 years. For seven years I have told myself I would never go back...I would always fail. My favorite thing to do is take care of people. So nursing seemed so perfect. Be careful when you say you will never do something because it may just be satan trying to pull you away from the things that would fill your life with joy.

Currently, I work at a call center. While I am thankful for getting some type of job in this little town....it drives me to get back in to school so I can finally do something I love. Sometimes being comfortable isn't God's way. Actually most of the time it isn't God's way. Are you comfortable? Because if you are apathetic and comfortable I would say to you..."BEWARE OF LIFE CRISIS AND HARD TIMES". God will surely do something to get your attention.

I want to know Jesus. I want to push through these 5 months without Austin and open up my heart to learn the things God wants me to learn. I appreciate all of your prayers. I simply can not tell you how grateful I am for the notes, messages, phone calls and skypes I have received. I am truly blessed.

Love you all!!

Unbelief

"Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us..." -Ruthless Trust

One day last spring I was at work at Rutherford Academy. I had a student keep telling me that there was a bird in the closet. Well, that wasn't the craziest thing I'd heard all day but I could not hear it. All day he would peek through a tiny hole and say "I SEE IT MRS. SMITH!" Finally, I got up and entertained the thought that there could quite possibly be a bird in a closet that was never opened and stayed locked all the time. So I peeked through that tiny hole. I could not see it but I heard flapping of wings. "There is a bird in there!", I exclaimed. My student just looked at me, as if I was the one who had previously kicked a desk over that day, rolled around on the floor and refused to listen. He said, "I've been saying that ALL DAY! You should have listened the first time!" I laughed to myself and thought how ironic it was for him to say that to me and for him to be right!

So I went and got the lead teacher of our class. He seemed rugged enough to capture and free a bird. After all, he did ride his bike to work...like....20 miles....until he got hit and his bike broke. True story. We asked the class to be very quiet so as not to startle this poor bird any more than it was. He put on gloves (safety first!) and slowly opened the door. I'll never forget that little bird. I saw it's face frozen in fear, it's wings still just waiting. So Mr. lead teacher reached in and grabbed him. I have never heard a bird cry until that day. Literally it was like a small whimper cry that just made me shudder. We had opened the window and he just let it go. At first, it just hopped out and looked around like...what is going on? After a few minutes of being dazed it finally realized it was a bird and could fly. I will never forget watching it fly away.

So how is any of this relevant? I have no clue. I just wanted to tell the story.

Kidding. Well, some may think it is about the bird being freed from it's dark room of terror. Others may think it's about the bird not knowing which direction to go once it was freed. Or maybe you relate to the scared bird, frozen in fear at the mercy of a man with gloves. For me, this story is about my unbelief. Common sense did not lead me to believe that there was any way possible for a bird to be stuck in a closet that was never opened. I ignored it all day long. Then, I never believed anyone would actually touch it. Next, I never believed that it would stay still long enough to be caught. Then again when I saw him stumbling around not flying I wondered if it was too late for this little guy. It wasn't until it actually took off that I believed that bird would be ok.

In my own spiritual walk, unbelief leads to not trusting a God who is capable of more than anything I could ever ask or think. We all "hope" things turn out ok...but do we really believe?I was given a book called Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. I am realizing that even in my darkest moments I serve a God who has promised life to me. No matter what, if we trust him daily and thank him daily for whatever circumstances we wake up to...He will keep his promise. It is our untrusting hearts that keep us from experiencing God's love fully. To be continually thankful is the beginning of trusting God. So I thank Him in advance for the things I can not see, the things I don't understand, the hard circumstances, the hurt, having no air in my car on a hot day, and the gift of being alive. I believe by doing this I will learn more and more to trust my life to the God who created me. And I KNOW this is all apart of my story. I know how it ends too....Jesus has overcome to world. Somehow my life will be used to tell HIS story.

"To be grateful for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of interior desolation, to trust in the love of God in the face of marvels, cruel circumstances, obscenities, and commonplaces of life is to whisper a doxology (praise) in darkness" -B. Manning

I love the sound of His name. I am learning that who I am in me is so broken...but in him...I am more because of Jesus. I don't think you can completely know the comfort that comes from speaking his name until you are in a place of discomfort. I had a sweet friend explain to me that in the midst of chaos we can speak his promises and thank him for what he will do.

"For if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right and trust your lives to the God who created you for he will never fail you." 1 peter 4:19

You see!! He has already gone before us! He created us and He loves us! So take on whatever you fear the most..and claim that all the "what ifs" will be promises God will fulfill in His time and for His glory.

I know this blog is oddly short for me (well, I'm pretty short but not when I write...lol). I just wanted to share this song and encourage you to keep moving because He has given us authority and power to oppose the traps satan has set for our lives through the sweet name of JESUS.

Love, Mel

Situations of Silence

Silence. It can be a scary sound. Waiting. An equally frightening feeling. When there is nothing concrete, this is what we say and feel. Sometimes it's all we can. You feel everything, and yet nothing. Someone asks how you are and you have no idea how to respond or if they really want to know. Everything you know is about to change. The trust you say you have in a faithful God seems like it's not enough for this. In our brokenness the only thing we trust is silence. It's there whether we want it to be or not. We can somewhat control it. That's empowering. We can choose to be silent or speak up. We can choose to hear the silence or turn on the t.v. It can be acknowledged or ignored. It can be a feeling of defeat or one of conquer. But when God seems silent.....our plea for loudness grows. I don't doubt for a second He sees my silent tears. And when I can not speak, His silence can defend me. Because I know that His silence is greater than my words. I'm beginning to believe that silence may be our greatest gift. When we don't know what to say...He has the opportunity. Whether it be with words or stillness...He is made known.

On the other end, NOISE. God gave us the gift of words and sometimes we just waste them. We use them to destroy instead of build. I'm starting to believe that when we are in situations of silence, God is speaking.

I'm in a situation of silence. My emotions change with every second. I am wondering what the heck God is doing. haha. Just being honest! There is nothing to lean on at this point. I sit in silence more these days than I EVER have in my life. My eyes stare off in to space and even now the words just don't come. Lately, I contemplate relationships. I notice people I once knew, float away. Life changes us, grows us and people leave. We leave. We are leaving. I grasp for everything I once felt comfortable with or apart of, only to find that wasn't forever either. I think of the lives I invested in or the places I knew would always be "that way". But when I go back there, even if it's just in my mind...I realize just how little control I had/have. Things we build fall apart. Does it mean it's for nothing? Not if it was done in the name of Jesus. Not if I loved with His love. But to believe that everything remains the same is foolish. Time to start over...and I imagine I'll be starting over a lot. That's ok. That probably means more silence...and more trusting God.

I am thankful for the people who gather around me when I am silent- my husband, my families, my dog Mercie. : ) In their acceptance of my silence I hear love. And I learn to love other people in theirs.

And I am learning to let go of the past and reach out to the future. I am thankful that God believes in Austin and I enough to separate us from what we know to use us somewhere else. He must know we can do it. He must have great things in store. He has to have great faith that we will have faith in Him. And He must be able to take care of the people we love here.

Situations of silence can have many different roots. I have a feeling I am not the only one. Just trust that if we are believing God for an answer, this is enough. Who knows, it may be MORE than enough. ; )

Hey ya'll! WOW it's been like almost 2 months since I've updated this thing! I guess that makes me a slacker??

I can definitely say that I am experiencing a very wide range of emotions! Knowing that this season of separation from my husband is coming to a close- I am overjoyed! But knowing that I will leave behind the ones that love me most is very hard. I find myself laughing and enjoying people and all of the sudden a deep sadness is felt in the pit of my stomach. I keep saying, "God we thought this was a good idea, why again?".

My niece Kate took her first steps last week. She is three and special needs. When I went to see her walk and she took her first steps to me....I smiled on the outside but on the inside I realized that she will continue to grow and I may not be here to see that. Finding things out via phone calls or facebook takes second to seeing her sweet spirit fight for the life God has for her. Layla, the newest addition to the Benton family...is an explosion of personality. Being able to bond with her as she grows is priceless. Layla will accomplish anything and everything she wants to do. She will love her sister and her family. She will bring laughter and healing. And though we may be apart for a season, we will always have a special bond. Her love for music, dancing and laughter will be enough to bring us together every time we see eachother.

Luca, ahh my sweet Luca. Another story of God's faithfulness. When Luca was first adopted by Jen and Paul I did not think that being a big part of his life would ever be realistic. Jennifer has been my mentor for a long time. Being able to give the love she gave me to the heart that beats outside her chest is amazing. He is my buddy. God has taken this tiny soul and used it to hug me, love me, and allow me to do the same for him while Austin has been away. In my heart he is an irreplaceable gift that God brought to me when I needed it the most.

Initially my thoughts for the little ones above and the ones not mentioned was, "but God, what will they do without me? How will their hearts hurt when I am gone?" God spoke to me and reminded me that HE is their God. He has given them all they need and more to succeed on their journeys. The real question is "God, what will I do without them?". See the truth is...I probably need them more than they do me.

I have lived here my entire life. While my dreams have always been to travel and experience different cultures and people...I am terrified! Isn't it what God has for us that scares us the most? What if I am not good enough? What if I fail? I guess I'll keep that dream hidden inside...just incase I experience rejection. Austin and I do not want our lives to be full of "what if"? I have envisioned what our lives would have been had we not joined the AF. Honestly, I see two sad people sitting on a couch having the "why didn't we?" conversation. That to me is more tragic than leaving. I'd say there are parts of who I am that have been idle...also tragic. I found myself looking at a picture of my little kid self...man if I could talk to her. First of all, I'd hug her (me). I would tell her so many things. If she's anything like me...she'd cry...(lol). Then we'd sing together...probably a combination of Sandi Patty meets Katy Perry. HAHA.

Did you know womens brains are like spaghetti noodles? Guys are more like waffles. We can think of a million things at once. Kind of like this entry....random noodles everywhere!

I have a GEORGIA DREAM SHEET. I made it in order to be able to set goals and get excited!
1. Find a church family. Actively sing in that church every chance they will let me
2. For our home to be a safe place...a place people find comfort...a place we can minister...a place we learn more about Jesus.
3. To be involved in the lives of the women there. No matter what it cost me, I want to love them. I want to be light walking in to a potentially dark and sad place.
4. To see an alligator cross the street... : )
5. Take a few photography classes at Valdosta st.
6. Battle people on xbox kinect dance central!
7. Mercie to make doggie friends at the dog park
8. To learn to cook for Austin (for real people!)
9. Find a way to worship in every circumstance, every hard time, when doubts are heavier than hope.
10. Have a job I love as much as I loved working at Rutherford.
11. To build special intentional relationships with people who have no hope.
12. To believe God. (I believe IN God...but sometimes I don't believe Him. Ya know?)
13. and MORE!

I also have a Georgia play list in the making on my Itunes

1. God is God -Steven Curtis Chapman
2.Moment made for worshipping -S.c.c
3. I will follow- Chris Tomlin
4. Seasons - Natalie Grant
5. Time in between - Francesca Battistelli
6. Who am I living for- Katy Perry
7.Go hard- Rebel
8. These hard times- Needtobreathe
9.Come Away With Me- Norah Jones
10. Feels Like Reign- UnNamed Servant

....there will be more! I will be listening to this mix on my drive to GA! Hopefully it will calm my spirit!

Thanks for reading ya'll!! Austin and I cherish your prayers. We will be moving Feb. 19th. He will be home from tech school on the third of February! Love you all!!

Around the corner....

Hello! It has been a few weeks since my last post. I guess sometimes my brain goes on auto pilot. I have one thing on my mind -Austin. lol. It's funny how even when we are apart, in my mind we are together. The days go by and I think of what we may be doing if he were here...or how he would play with Mercie...or what I would attempt to cook. Regardless, it is like trying to fly with one wing. For a little while you may find your balance to glide, but the wind blows and all of the sudden you are pissed your other wing is missing. HA.

I spent a week in Biloxi this week with my husband. Who knew a little hotel room with a ghetto t.v. could become home? I had to buy a bath tub stopper to take a bath…can't go without those! : ) Yes, I am addicted to baths. It's weird. It's like the world stops. I wonder if anyone else has this same obsession. Anyways, we got a call the Monday I got there that Russ (Austin's dad) had a 100% blockage in his widow maker. He was admitted to ICU and taken to Vanderbilt where he underwent open heart surgery the next morning. To make a long story short- GOD completely protected Russ. The tickets were also double to fly out the days after Monday. It was a another miracle for me to be with Austin during that time. He could not leave because of school and would have probably driven to Nashville without thinking twice! His dad asked him not to…so of course he listened. Russ came out of surgery well and was sent home a couple of days ago. It will be along recovery for him. We are so grateful for his life.

Today my niece Kate went in to brain surgery. She has seizures and this procedure is used to help control/stop them. She is an angel. There have been days I have just been hurting inside. Kate crawls up to me almost every time and just sits in my lap, lays on me or gives me exactly what I feel God would give me if he were a tiny 3 year old girl. : ) I have witnessed her sensitivity to others feelings around her on numerous occasions. She has a gift. I am praying for her today. Remembering the joy her life truly is and how lucky I am to be her Aunt Mu.

Three weeks until Christmas. "Dear Santa, could you please let this FLY by? I think I may be on your naughty list but I'll be good I swear!" This will be the sweetest Christmas. Austin will be home with his entire family. It's been since June that we have all been together. I can't even think of Christmas presents because he is my gift this year! Although I know he wants an IPAD so I'm taking donations. lol. Christmas Eve at the Opryland hotel has always been a tradition. This year I think Russ may be catered to and rolled around in one of their golden wheel chairs! Hopefully he will feel up to the outing. It can get kinda crazy around there! Regardless, it will be a very special time. I may just go buy some green and red construction paper and make my very own countdown to Austin chain! -loved those when I was little. (sigh). : )

Well, got a couple hours until my flight. I always get a little nervous. I never get nervous getting in to a car going 70 with a hundred cars flying past me. Conditioning. I guess I'm not conditioned to flying yet. It just makes me nervous. I always pray that angels would sit on the wings, fix the engines and land the plane safely. Once i get on I am fine. It's the waiting. BLEH. Hmmm waiting….the theme of my life these days!

By the way, we get to move to Valdosta, GA middle of February. Never in my life would I think I would be excited about moving to a completely new place. Change isn't my thing. But I guess God has changed my heart. I can't wait! Bring on this place two hours from the beach and people I've never met, things I've never done and a life with my husband once again! WHOOHOOO!

Dear God....

Lately, I have had some precious conversations. I can not express to you the hearts that I have seen lately. Their stories have LITERALLY brought me to my knees. My soul rejoices in their longing for Christ but weeps for the pain they have seen. I'm telling you that it hasn't been just one person...it has been MANY. Wow, this world is so full of injustice. When I listen to their words I just hear tragedy. Often times after the conversation is over I just sit there and think..."Why God? Why not me? Why them? This is everywhere isn't it?" So many times I am praying in my head while they speak, "What am I supposed to do? Why am I hearing this? What do you want from me?" Most of the time this is the answer I hear very clearly, "Melody, no one is praying for them. They have not one person that lifts them up daily." Then I think of the people in my life who must lift me up daily. The people who love me. I think God is showing me the ones He loves, the ones that cry, the ones that have feel so alone...the ones that are forgotten.

When I think back to Austin and I's first conversation about the Air Force I can remember specifically saying, "I want God to send me women I can minister to in the Air Force". That was always the small voice in my heart. I thought that maybe when we got to out first base I would start a Bible study or just be the light to other women in the same situation. But from the moment Austin left, it's like a SLEW (love that word) of opportunities to talk to women opened up. And sometimes I wonder if they have taught me more than I have them. I am now a witness to how powerful prayer really is....

I keep a prayer journal for my husband. It's mainly very specific things that I pray for everyday but sometimes I just talk to God. I have about 20 prayer journals I've kept through the years. I went through them the other night and realized that I NEVER prayed for anything specific. I just rambled. Did I think God wouldn't hear me? Or did I just not have anything specific to pray about? Let me tell you that since I have been writing down very specific detailed prayers, answers have been flowing in like a river. It has been the coolest thing ever. Literally I am marking things off my list with the answers provided written next to them. And it's not like a Christmas list either...lol. For instance, one day I wrote "Please send a person to Austin today that is in need. Allow Austin to use his gifts to minister to them." Austin called me later that afternoon and said "The coolest thing just happened! I helped a guy change his flat tire and we got to talk about Jesus!" I laughed because that's not at all what I had an image of when I prayed for that, but it completely was an answer to my prayers. Another funny example...I know that Austin loves to run but once he got in to school the work just over loaded him and he felt like he did not have time. The PT (exercising with the group of other tech students in the morning) was a joke. There were so many of them that the leaders basically put no effort in to their conditioning. So I prayed and prayed "Lord please give him the motivation to run. He NEEDS to de-stress this way!". For a few weeks nothing happened. Just recently Austin was moved into block three. He is on something called T-shift. Which is 3 in the afternoon to 12 at night. Listen to this, Austin still has to PT, but it is with a very small group of tech students. The leaders work them very hard and he actually HAS TO RUN! WHAT? Another surprising answer to a prayer!

The list goes on and on...but my point is....if our prayers are not redundant and boring (how would you like it if someone you loved said the exact same thing to you every single day?) the fruit will speak for God's power in itself. I am so thankful that I serve a God who hears my heart when I pour it out honestly and fervently. I do not think he will always answer me the way I want or plan...actually I hope he doesn't because his ideas and ways are MUCH better than mine!

Thanks for all of you who have prayed for Austin and I as well. We are half way through and have already felt the power of your prayers.

VOICE

Sometimes I just want a voice. I just want to know that what I have to say, what I feel...matters. Maybe that's why I have this blog. Because I am too scared to hear the sound of voices that don't agree or tell me that I am wrong. I can just write and be heard (or not heard). Sometimes I am so scared to just SAY IT. I just hold it in, soak it in, breathe in the lie that I will not be heard the way I intended to be heard. Silently, a little piece of me dies. My friend calls it "little murders".

Today I went shopping. I saw a man on the corner wearing jeans and a nice jacket over his white shirt. All of the sudden he busts out in full dance mode. I was so glad to be sitting at that red light. I just laughed and laughed because he was so sane looking and then all of the sudden he wasn't! He saw me smiling, pointed at me and mouthed "This is for you". Then he proceeded to do a move I can't describe. I just laughed so hard. I thought, that's what life is all about. Who cares why he is out there! He's making people smile! It was like seeing a little color in this gray world. That's what I want my voice to be. Colorful. Different. I'm sure people rolled their eyes at him, thought he was crazy, ignored him, called him stupid....but I saw life. It's not often I see someone dancing on the street in front of a busy mall. I guess if my voice is in comparison to that man...then everyone will have a different reaction.

There's something special about the way I think. I know I have a different outlook. Sometimes I wish people weren't so closed minded. I don't understand when people always think they are right. If it's not what they feel or believe it deserves a slap down. I WANT to know different opinions. I want to see things from all sides. I love talking to people who have a challenging question or a point of view I never thought of...I like to think "hey maybe I was wrong about that!" I never want to be old and stuck. LOL. Stuck in a way of thinking that never ever changes. A place where I think I know everything about everything. I always want to be the first to say...teach me. I never want my voice to be so loud I can't hear others or His. But right now my voice sounds shaky. It sounds frustrated. Because I am VERY frustrated. I feel like my voice won't come out most of the time. Which leaves me mute and sad. I know why. But I can't tell you that either. Haha.

Austin used to call me a locked safe. He said he could look at me and see a million things running through my mind behind my eyes but he could never get me to just say it. After lots of hard work and practice..it feels like he is the key to my safe. : ) Once i started talking I found that he listened...and cared...even if it wasn't his point of view. Even now I just talk and talk and he is like..."whoa slow down! I have no idea what you mean"...but he listens through his own ideas, his own way of viewing things. Then he says "I'm glad you see things that way even if I don't." I want to be like him....i want to give other people the chance to be heard like he hears me. I love my husband. Thank you Jesus.

I miss him. I miss the voice I have when I am with him. I want to have that voice now but maybe I just have to fight through some fears and lies to get there. Maybe it'll be a good thing.

Let's talk about FAT

Ok ladies, this is your heart. I know every single one of you (except my mom maybe) looks in the mirror and see that FATTY MCFATTERSON staring back at you. So I have never ever written about this subject because I don't want people to think I think I'm fat. It's one of those "keeping it together" things. But come on....if I didn't write about it who would? No one wants to admit they scrutinize over food, exercise to stop the guilt, or look in the mirror at the flaws and get very very angry.....only to find that maybe brownies could stop the pain! YES that's what I need! BROWNIES! haha.

So I have been watching the show "Ruby" since it aired. I LOVE HER. I'm sure anyone struggling with their weight LOVES her. How could you not? She's putting her fat, her fight and her face all over the world! Why? I believe it is to inspire and to bring a voice to something that we all deal with so silently. So as I watched today the last episode of season 2 all I wanted to do was hug her. She has a heart. Every overweight person has a heart. That sounds harsh. But this society scrutinizes and stares, calls them names behind closed doors, and thanks GOD we don't look THAT fat! But what I see is brokenness. I see a person hurting and this is their shield. She is realizing that her eating disorder comes from emotional scars, emptiness is areas she doesn't fully understand yet. How scary would it be if we all took a look at ourselves and said "Why do I do that?". What if we all went on a mission to dig up pain and hurt...then deal with it.

Some of you may not understand why I can even empathize with her. People normally see "little" when they look at me. When I thought about when I started to feel "fat" I remember the third grade. That would make me, what like 8? Jen (Mrs. C) can remember complimenting me one day in the lunch room before school. She said I looked pretty and she liked my outfit. My response? "No I don't. I look fat!" I chuckle now because it was so out of character for an 8 year old to say those words. I'm not sure what happened. I don't know why I started viewing myself that way. I don't know why I got chubby. I don't know when the obsession started or why. I just remember it started and it hasn't stopped. Have there been times when I knew I looked good on the outside? Yes. But on the inside I was tortured...counting every bite. See, looking skinny doesn't solve the problem either. It's so much deeper. Maybe in the third grade I realized that people were mean. Maybe my innocence was shaken and I got scared. I've always been sensitive and the world wasn't fitting in to the picture I had painted of this colorful rainbow world full of Jesus. lol. I started doubting myself. What if I wasn't good enough? What if people didn't love me? I was even scared to sing. What if my voice wasn't good enough? It makes me very sad to think that God gave me a gift, a voice, and I was so terrified that I hid it. I am still hiding it. Anyone heard me sing lately? It's a shame isn't it? Well, I'm working on that. I can't let satan poo poo face steal my talent. I only sing when I feel safe. But I want to sing when I feel scared, anytime any place. Everyone hides. But I can't anymore. Because Melody will die if I hide. I can't let that happen.

Lately, I just want to relay that "they have hearts". That's what I hear in my head all the time. My sister in law has two adopted children (not white! GASP!). When I hear stories of people giving her looks or staring my blood fuels. See, these babies have HEARTS. When I see a homeless person and I hear snide remarks I just fall apart inside. Even mean people have hearts. Crazy people have hearts. Obese people have hearts. White snotty Americans have hearts. Your horrible co worker...yep...theirs beats too. Instead of shutting them out what if we ministered to their hearts? You hear minister and you hear "give the poor money, amuse the crazy, or give the heavy lady a gift certificate to Arby's" but that's how satan has our minds working. There is so much MORE. Simply open your heart and you'll minister to theirs. It's like a game of dominos. It's so simple but it drastically changes lives. YOUR HEART. Yes, your heart is the answer. If you don't feel anything...you haven't even begun to help them. There is a secret in their hearts that only YOUR heart can unlock.

This blog isn't about weight loss. It's about the life Jesus came to give us. He doesn't tell us that we might have life...he says we WILL HAVE LIFE. He tells us who we are. Our addictions and obsessions can not be cured by our own hand...it is truly a healing process through Jesus Christ. Our image of perfection has to start to look like Jesus...not skinny people, rich people or those who seem to have their stuff together. It has to start looking like a heart. We have to go deeper everyday. Then Jesus will become BIGGER than the BIG you see in the mirror. : )

Blindsided

Aren't we all wanted? Doesn't Christ call us to love...even if we don't agree with their lifestyles? By love I don't mean pity or judge, by love I do not mean handing them a piece of paper that has John 3:16 on it, by love I don't mean smiling and then talking about them to your friends. By love I mean literally seeing a person created fully by God, by love I mean spending time with them in order to understand their hearts, by love I mean putting our standards aside. I understand that we all have gifts and different ways of ministering but there is one thing that should remain the same in all of us....we are no better than them. Our choices do not give us the right to place someone in the corner. I speak to myself when I say all of this.

This morning I fell asleep on the couch waiting for Luca to wake up. I did not pray this morning. I did not get up on the right side of the bed. I did not eat my breakfast without spilling something. I did nothing to deserve anything. And then this happened- I dreamed that I was asleep on the couch (which I was) and that there was an angel standing beside the arm rest. It was one of those half awake and half asleep moments. I knew I was dreaming but I also knew it was a replica of what was actually happening. So yeah, it was weird. Anyways, this angel in my dream leaned over and I could feel breath on my neck. It wasn't a soft breath either. It was firm and gentle at the same time. I heard the air hit my ears. Then I felt so warm, like I was wrapped up in arms. Now, excuse it away if you must, but I can not. Because it changed me. I dream a lot and they never really change a way of thinking for me. I woke up completely different then when I fell asleep. I woke up in tears. A weight was lifted and I could breathe. I knew at that moment that I really WASN'T alone. I wasn't afraid because I knew that if that was what heaven felt like than death is nothing to fear. I felt like God said, "I LOVE YOU MELODY". That's all I heard. That's all I felt. In my 24 years I have never ever ever felt anything like it.

So on my way home today I began to think about this. I wanted to ask God why that moment. I wasn't looking, I wasn't asking and I felt unworthy. So I said "Thank you." It's all I could even muster up to say because I was embarrassed. Yes, ashamed. I imagine it was what the woman who was being accused of adultery felt like when he said "Where are your accusers?" Isn't that when we feel love the strongest? When we know we are undeserving? I began to talk to God about how little faith I have these day. I told Him I felt guilty all the time. Tears ran down my face while I drove in the pouring rain. You see, I am terrified of driving in the rain. I get instant panic attacks. I fear death. But a couple minutes into my gripping the steering wheel episode, I remember that feeling I had earlier today. Complete peace and safety. I released my grip and let go (not of the wheel don't worry!). It gave me a whole new appreciation for the song "Jesus take the wheel". haha. No, I let go of my worry. I now know what it feels like to be in His arms. Even though I don't have that warm feeling at this moment...I know it exists in other ways all the time.

God spoke something in to my heart today. I know God is righteous but I feel like this world teaches us to be righteous in ourselves, not Him. If we were righteous in Him we would not be of our own direction. We would not put a label on who is worthy of help and love. God validated my feelings. He reminded me today that no one is worthy. I wasn't worthy, but regardless he gave me a gift. If the God of our universe came to a sad, untrusting child.....Surely he wants us to do the same for others. Doing something for someone who is unworthy is very hard. Finding it in our hearts to reach out to those who do not understand is why we are here.

Am I perfect? No. Am I healed forever, never to experience pain again? No. Am I loved? Yes. Is pain and imperfection made easier to walk through if I know God is for me? Absolutely.

A friend of mine had an experience similar to this. Unexplainably and undeniably our Father's hand told her that He loved her. I remember saying "I want God to do that for me!" Well, He has. And I am sure it will not be the last time. : )

The old life, the present life...and the one I wish was living

There is a passage in 1 Kings that has become near and dear to me these days. Isaiah, the Lord's prophet is being very obedient. In Mel's version....The Lord tells him to tell the king some things that are very hard to hear. The punishment for being so blunt being death. So after Isaiah has really pissed off some people he is led far far in to some woods where he finds a stream of running water. He drinks from this brooke and is fed by some birds. The Lord is taking care of him. He lives here for awhile until one day the brooke of his hope dries up. WHAT? Right, exactly what I was thinking. The Lord moves Isaiah in to a town where he finds a widow...a poor widow that has been cast out by society I imagine...her son is all she has. He asks her for food and she says..."pssshhh, I got my own to feed." (remember this is my version) Isaiah tells her not to worry that the Lord will provide enough for her and her son if she allows him in. So she does, and sure enough...more food than she had before and enough to sustain them. Until her son dies she is really believing in this God Isaiah serves. WAIT. Her son dies? Good job God...that's what Isaiah is thinking. But he goes to the boy and prays that the Lord will bring him back to life...and He does. Now this widow really believes in the power of God.

So why do I like this? Well, Isaiah is in God's will and his life is a journey. See, the widows house was only a stop on the way....and God used him. After the brooke dried up Isaiah could have sat there until he died asking "WHY? You led me here didn't you? WHERE'S MY DANG FOOD?" But instead he willingly moved. God had a different plan, a different person, a different path for his life. And Isaiah could have laughed when God said "Ask the poor hungry widow for food" but he did not. He may have had a few intense conversations with our Father but he obeyed. You see, if we believe, we are all destined to change the world. But if we stay in one place we may never grow. What if that brooke never dried up? Do you think Isaiah would have given a second thought to the mighty power that created those flowing waters? Or would he have just glanced at it when he needed something to drink...having faith in his own survival skills? If it were me I'd be like, "ok God, got my water...thanks...see ya later". What about you?

I am in God's will. Austin is in God's will. We did not choose this life, we were called. I think about what our lives were like before the Air Force. I think we both felt moved towards something for a couple of years. But we until we realized it was the Air Force...we took the brooke for granted. Now we are in between. We are stuck, apart, lonely and wishing for the promise to be back together. Emotionally, I feel very unsafe. I feel like I should not trust any one with this heart. Not even those closest to me. Austin is the one I have shared my heart with, he's the one who has seen my imperfections and said.."it's ok, I still love you." But what if Isaiah had done that with the widow? What if he had said, "Lord, I love you and everything but this lady seems a little crazy and smelly. She has nothing and certainly could reject me."? She would have never witnessed a testimony of the living God. Once again, it wasn't about Isaiah...it was about that woman...dying...hungry...physically and spiritually. So THERE IS PURPOSE FOR THE IN BETWEEN.

For me it is a daily struggle. What is my purpose here? I left all of our possessions locked up in a storage unit. I left a job where I felt like I had a family. I left kids that needed me. I left a life that I was comfortable in. I let go of having him here everyday. WHY? I have no idea. All I know is that this is a journey. I don't feel like I'm walking. I feel like I am crawling, gasping for air. I wake up and I pray, "Lord, help me get up because I don't want to. Give me some kind of purpose today." I feel trapped. Who am I? To be honest, when you take away everything that gives you comfort you see what your faith truly lies in. I love being comfortable. And some days I fight God to give it back to me. It's like taking a passy from a two year old. They just don't understand. I am the poster child for someone who is in between what was and what will be.

So wherever you are today, if you feel like you are in between anything....whatever you do...don't do nothing. Someone is in between being loved...now they feel rejected and wonder when they will feel accepted again. Someone is in between jobs, wondering when their perfect purpose aligns. Someone is in between faith, feeling like hope was left behind and there is no reverse gear. Someone hasn't felt complete since they were little, as soon as life was a reality they gave up. Someone has a sick child and wonders what is the purpose of watching a baby suffer? Someone has spouse who is away....and falls asleep in just as much agony as they had when they woke up. I'll try to remember my life is story....a story of restoration.

"I can feel a phe0nix inside of me as I march to alone to a different beat. I am ready for the road less traveled. Suiting up for my crowning battle. This is test is my own cross to bear, but I will get there. It's never easy to be chosen never easy to be called...I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames...calling out my name. I can see the writing on the wall. I can't ignore this war. At the end of it all, WHO AM I LIVING FOR. I can feel this life that's inside of me growing fast in to lightening. I know one strike will shock the world." -Katy Perry (maybe she is in between?)

"What if you were his bird?"

Anyone ever thought about being old? Well if you know me you must know I have a slight obsession with little old people (mainly cute old men in suspenders shuffling their feet). I'm not sure why and many of you (Kandra) find it quite hilarious. Austin says if I ever leave him it'll be for an elderly man who can't walk.

The beach in Biloxi is so beautiful. It isn't Florida clear water but there is a different peace. Knowing that the sand your toes are in was once thrown around in a chaos of wind, the ocean was tossed over the city, people's lives destroyed and lost... is breath taking. The birds gathered in a few different spots. It was as if they gathered there every evening around the same time. I wanted Austin to take me to run through them. But it was a part of the beach that wasn't exactly near parking. So we walked. I of course had my camera and felt content. I did get to run through them. I was scared at first. I did NOT want to step in poop or be pooped on. He told me to just go for it. So I ran barefoot through hundreds of seagulls. For a moment I was surrounded by birds and a little freaked out! Never the less, I had gotten what I came for...

As we sat on a bench on the sidewalk after our walk out to the birds I noticed an old man. Yep, you got it...a cute shuffling old man. I noticed he had an old cereal box and he was attempting to feed the birds. Tossing his handfuls out on to the birdless beach. Immediately I looked at Austin and said "I can't watch". Even right now tears fill my eyes at the thought of him. After a few attempts he dumped out the whole box of old cereal and waited...waited...waited. No birds came. He even put down some red beans and rice (every bird's favorite right?). I wanted to tell him where the birds were but I looked at his shoes and knew that he could not make the trip. I thought about offering to lure the birds to him with the cereal. But I couldn't. I was frozen. I sat silently...tears streaming down my face just praying that he had someone to go home to. Even though deep down I knew he looked so lonely. He got in his truck reluctantly. He sat for a few minutes and slowly drove away.

I looked at my husband crying and saying..."I just wanted him to have a bird to feed Austin. You know, I see him and my heart breaks for him. I am crying for his little heart. Don't you think the Lord sees our broken hearts and cries over us too? If I, a mere human, feel so strongly He must feel just as passionate about us." I told this bird story to a few people. One of them asked me...."what if you were his bird?" and I answered "Well I would have eaten his food!". This person then bust out in to laughter. Apparently they had meant...what if I was what the man needed, not the birds? I just feel so nervous. I feel like everything inside of me wanted to go up to that man and say hello. But maybe I feel worthless. Maybe I feel like I have nothing to offer. And maybe those lies hold me back. No not maybe, they do.

I began asking myself, "Why old men? Why do I feel so connected to them?" One of my answers was the relationship I had with my Granddad growing up. His love for me still pierces me today. Even though he is gone a part of him is with me. He loved birds as well, so maybe he stamped that on my heart too. I always said he was my guardian angel. Maybe this whole time he walks with me or the Lord used him to affect me in ways I never knew. Another answer was that old people can feel purposeless. They have lived their lives. Most of the people they loved are gone. Everything changes but somehow they are stuck in loneliness. Deep down all they want is to have something to love or to be loved. It is written all over their faces, "please love me". And that too is my greatest longing. I just want to know that I am needed, that who I am now is good enough and that regardless of my past I am not unloveable. Whatever pain kept that man from walking to the birds keeps me from walking to what the Lord has for me sometimes. Shame is crippling isn't it?

I have a bird tattooed on my wrist. I never really knew why I got it. But it's funny how God has used that symbolism in my life more than once since I've gotten it. So I look at my bird singing it's heart out on a branch and I try not to be afraid. Easier said that done. But I am not alone. I am never alone. I may seem unloveable sometimes, hard to understand or just shut off but I am not giving up and neither is He.

Emotions

Taken back to the time when I was maybe 8 or 9....and I believed.
When Jesus walked on waters blue and if He helped me I could too, if I believed.
Before rational analysis and systematic thinking robbed me of a sweet simplicity.
Help me believe, cause I don't wanna miss any miracles.
Maybe I'd see much better by closing my eyes
And I could shed this grown up skin I'm in to touch an angels wings....help me believe. -Natalie grant

Driving in the car, listening to my husband talk about life...wishing there was something I could do to fulfill his desire for adventure and change. Hmmm, maybe there was! Austin had always talked about going in to the AF so I brought it up and this time I was ok with it! I had a weird peace (which I seem to forget about these days). So we packed up our things in to a tiny storage unit and held on for dear life.

Basic had it's challenges. Texas and Tennessee are not close and even if they were I'm sure security wouldn't have let me in to hug my husband. There were so many tears and lonely nights for both of us. It's funny how hard times bring everything in perspective. Sometimes it makes me sad for those who haven't had any hard times. How do they know what is important? Anyways, so basic graduation was emotional. I was so proud! He did it! And he excelled! I had also made it! Did I excell? Some people may say yes but it's the hardest thing I have ever been through....ever.

Next step, TECH SCHOOL. This is were we found out Austin's supposed 72 days of school would be pushed back until a later date. Until then, he will pull weeds. ? WHAT? You're telling me that he will be doing busy work for 4 to 6 weeks and THEN he'll start his seriously hard schooling for Air Traffic Control. Very funny GOD. Yes, God. I know everything happens for a reason and I know God has his hand in this. So whatever lesson there is to be learned we'll learn it and let you know.

A typical phone conversation....

Austin: Hey Mel! How was your day?

Mel: great! yours? what did you do?

A: Pulled weeds, ate lunch, pulled weeds.

M: Sounds...fun?

A: nope, not at all actually. Tax dollars paid for me to sweep today.

M: ummm, so what are you doing now?

A: going to work out then to chow

M: send me a picture of your food? (I like to know what he's eating)

A: ok baby!

M:Love you!

A: Love you too!

That's it. No hug. No smell of him. No seeing his face.

Hey all you wives who don't hug your husband when he comes home from work...shame on you. No really....SHAME ON YOU. And those of you who wish he'd go away..switch places with me please. Wives that take their men for granted....don't make it take living without them to appreciate them. Before Austin went into the AF I had issues with women who talked poorly of their husbands or publicly displayed distaste for a comment or action. Aren't we suppose to be their helpers? Yes we all argue but we DO NOT have a right to air out their flaws. It's called TACT. Yes, I am on a soap box because now more than ever do I want to shove women down who get on facebook and tell the world their husbands are jerks. Don't get me wrong, we all need to vent and talk to a friend now and again. But it shouldn't be to humiliate others it should be to work out emotions and feelings...decide what's rational and what's bizarre. PLEASE STOP PUBLICLY SHAMING YOUR SPOUSE (even if they rightly deserve it. Glad the Lord doesn't give us everything we deserve!). Geez. I said it. I've never said it before! That felt good!

***stepping down off soap box***

Now, if that offended you I am sorry...you shouldn't be reading my blog because I am going to be brutally honest about myself and the world around me. These days I don't have it in me to be fake. What you see is what you get and I'm learning that who I am is in Christ. His point of view matters...not yours or mine. But when I start seeing things His way it only seems to be a little more challenging. lol.

It's not easy to know that sometime near January Austin and I more than likely not reside in TN. Now it will be easier when we find out it is somewhere tropical like Florida or hawaii. Also we feel called to Alaska. lol. Jk. Anyways, the wait is very difficult. It's like being in a dark room and someone tells you that you have to live there until they decide to turn the light on. So you wait, hoping the light reveals something magical but fearing it will not look like a beach. The prayer I pray is "Lord, send us where we are needed". But my mind says "Lord, don't you send me up north or I will throw a fit!". I'm pretty honest with Him 'cause He's my best friend, my Lord, my protector...the One who knows our lives better than we do. I'm trying to be obedient.

This entry may seem a little heavy to some. It may not look like inspiring Melody blogs, but I'm sure there will be some that will. My desire is that other women who are in this same situation can read this and feel connected to someone even when they are all alone. We aren't alone ladies. We just are in a season....

over and out....

Mirror, for the things I see everyday
Fear, of not finding the way
You, for the people who underestimate me
Me, for the person that tries to see
Life, is given to those who fear death
Rain, to wash away whatever is left
Time, doesn't heal it only scabs
Memories, for those of you taking tabs
Stop looking in, start looking out
Comfort, won't be in your view without a doubt
Getting out and moving
Crying like your losing
Patterns playing for keeps
Head spinning until it sleeps.
Jesus, for brokenness
God, for direction
Holy Spirit guide me...help me stop living for perfection.
-M.S.