Let's rewind shall we? Yes, we shall. Let's go back to July of 2010. Whoa, you really shouldn't be wearing that tiny bathing suit...oh wait, that's your July of 2010....Let's go back to mine...Whoa! I REALLY shouldn't be wearing a bathing suit at all! lol.
Kidding. : ) Austin is getting ready for basic training. We have packed up our apartment. I have moved in with my parents and I am saying goodbye to him. At this point, I have no idea what God wants from Melody. We make it through basic...now on to tech school. By the end of tech school we have been apart for almost 9 months. Still, I am apathetic about my life's direction. School? No way. Work? No thanks. I am about to move to Georgia and leave the comfort of my Tennessee home and family. Somewhere during that time I began to feel like I had lost "Melody" or wasn't seeking to find out who "Melody" was supposed to be. Utterly unhappy. Desperately wanting acceptance from anyone...and needing it from everyone. I have this fear of being rejected. I believe that after high school (maybe even before that) satan began to attack my thoughts...and I let him. I began to believe that I could not graduate college, my voice was nothing special, people would reject me if they really heard my thoughts, and of course that I was a terrible cook and would never successfully make a chicken pot pie. Well, enough is enough. God really got ahold of my heart...and not in the "oh that feels so good God! Thank you for disciplining me!" way. Through a series of unpleasant circumstances I saw so clearly. Satan had actually gotten me to feel sorry for myself everyday!! What in the world! How did that happen? Self-pity...my weakness.
I began to realize that things weren't happening "to me". I realized that my way of thinking was so off from His thoughts of me. Slowly, I began seeing the lies. Oh they are such ugly pathetic lies too. I mean, really? I had a friend share with me the promises God had already fulfilled in my life. She said I need to practice being thankful for those things that had not happened yet...but fully trust that God would not leave me desolate. By fully trust I mean fully let go of my expectations of what God should or should not do in my life. It was such a hard lesson. I mean we pray...we ask...we seek...but do we really every just say "Your will be done" and mean it with every part of our hearts? I'll answer that for you...NO.
So here we are...back in the present time (you look much better in your bathing suit by the way). Austin has once again been asked to leave his family in order to serve our country. We got a solid two months of adjusting to living together again and enjoying our marriage. My first response to his deployment news was something like this..."WHAT THA BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!" and then "WHY GOD?" and then "bleep bleep bleep" and finally..."Ok, Lord your will be done." And every day I thank him for this circumstance. I must be crazy right? Well, I am not going back to feeling sorry for myself. I fight it every day and it will not ruin my life anymore. Yes, I dislike my job, being alone here in GA, and going to a church where no one knows my name. But slowly I am finding that God is truly blessing me in this time. Just when I say to myself "I can't do it"...God says, "Melody, you ARE doing it".
My decision to go back to school and pursue my LPN was not without a lot of prayer. But the answer was so clear to me. I've been out of high school for almost 7 years. For seven years I have told myself I would never go back...I would always fail. My favorite thing to do is take care of people. So nursing seemed so perfect. Be careful when you say you will never do something because it may just be satan trying to pull you away from the things that would fill your life with joy.
Currently, I work at a call center. While I am thankful for getting some type of job in this little town....it drives me to get back in to school so I can finally do something I love. Sometimes being comfortable isn't God's way. Actually most of the time it isn't God's way. Are you comfortable? Because if you are apathetic and comfortable I would say to you..."BEWARE OF LIFE CRISIS AND HARD TIMES". God will surely do something to get your attention.
I want to know Jesus. I want to push through these 5 months without Austin and open up my heart to learn the things God wants me to learn. I appreciate all of your prayers. I simply can not tell you how grateful I am for the notes, messages, phone calls and skypes I have received. I am truly blessed.
Love you all!!
