Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Situations of Silence

Silence. It can be a scary sound. Waiting. An equally frightening feeling. When there is nothing concrete, this is what we say and feel. Sometimes it's all we can. You feel everything, and yet nothing. Someone asks how you are and you have no idea how to respond or if they really want to know. Everything you know is about to change. The trust you say you have in a faithful God seems like it's not enough for this. In our brokenness the only thing we trust is silence. It's there whether we want it to be or not. We can somewhat control it. That's empowering. We can choose to be silent or speak up. We can choose to hear the silence or turn on the t.v. It can be acknowledged or ignored. It can be a feeling of defeat or one of conquer. But when God seems silent.....our plea for loudness grows. I don't doubt for a second He sees my silent tears. And when I can not speak, His silence can defend me. Because I know that His silence is greater than my words. I'm beginning to believe that silence may be our greatest gift. When we don't know what to say...He has the opportunity. Whether it be with words or stillness...He is made known.

On the other end, NOISE. God gave us the gift of words and sometimes we just waste them. We use them to destroy instead of build. I'm starting to believe that when we are in situations of silence, God is speaking.

I'm in a situation of silence. My emotions change with every second. I am wondering what the heck God is doing. haha. Just being honest! There is nothing to lean on at this point. I sit in silence more these days than I EVER have in my life. My eyes stare off in to space and even now the words just don't come. Lately, I contemplate relationships. I notice people I once knew, float away. Life changes us, grows us and people leave. We leave. We are leaving. I grasp for everything I once felt comfortable with or apart of, only to find that wasn't forever either. I think of the lives I invested in or the places I knew would always be "that way". But when I go back there, even if it's just in my mind...I realize just how little control I had/have. Things we build fall apart. Does it mean it's for nothing? Not if it was done in the name of Jesus. Not if I loved with His love. But to believe that everything remains the same is foolish. Time to start over...and I imagine I'll be starting over a lot. That's ok. That probably means more silence...and more trusting God.

I am thankful for the people who gather around me when I am silent- my husband, my families, my dog Mercie. : ) In their acceptance of my silence I hear love. And I learn to love other people in theirs.

And I am learning to let go of the past and reach out to the future. I am thankful that God believes in Austin and I enough to separate us from what we know to use us somewhere else. He must know we can do it. He must have great things in store. He has to have great faith that we will have faith in Him. And He must be able to take care of the people we love here.

Situations of silence can have many different roots. I have a feeling I am not the only one. Just trust that if we are believing God for an answer, this is enough. Who knows, it may be MORE than enough. ; )