VOICE

Sometimes I just want a voice. I just want to know that what I have to say, what I feel...matters. Maybe that's why I have this blog. Because I am too scared to hear the sound of voices that don't agree or tell me that I am wrong. I can just write and be heard (or not heard). Sometimes I am so scared to just SAY IT. I just hold it in, soak it in, breathe in the lie that I will not be heard the way I intended to be heard. Silently, a little piece of me dies. My friend calls it "little murders".

Today I went shopping. I saw a man on the corner wearing jeans and a nice jacket over his white shirt. All of the sudden he busts out in full dance mode. I was so glad to be sitting at that red light. I just laughed and laughed because he was so sane looking and then all of the sudden he wasn't! He saw me smiling, pointed at me and mouthed "This is for you". Then he proceeded to do a move I can't describe. I just laughed so hard. I thought, that's what life is all about. Who cares why he is out there! He's making people smile! It was like seeing a little color in this gray world. That's what I want my voice to be. Colorful. Different. I'm sure people rolled their eyes at him, thought he was crazy, ignored him, called him stupid....but I saw life. It's not often I see someone dancing on the street in front of a busy mall. I guess if my voice is in comparison to that man...then everyone will have a different reaction.

There's something special about the way I think. I know I have a different outlook. Sometimes I wish people weren't so closed minded. I don't understand when people always think they are right. If it's not what they feel or believe it deserves a slap down. I WANT to know different opinions. I want to see things from all sides. I love talking to people who have a challenging question or a point of view I never thought of...I like to think "hey maybe I was wrong about that!" I never want to be old and stuck. LOL. Stuck in a way of thinking that never ever changes. A place where I think I know everything about everything. I always want to be the first to say...teach me. I never want my voice to be so loud I can't hear others or His. But right now my voice sounds shaky. It sounds frustrated. Because I am VERY frustrated. I feel like my voice won't come out most of the time. Which leaves me mute and sad. I know why. But I can't tell you that either. Haha.

Austin used to call me a locked safe. He said he could look at me and see a million things running through my mind behind my eyes but he could never get me to just say it. After lots of hard work and practice..it feels like he is the key to my safe. : ) Once i started talking I found that he listened...and cared...even if it wasn't his point of view. Even now I just talk and talk and he is like..."whoa slow down! I have no idea what you mean"...but he listens through his own ideas, his own way of viewing things. Then he says "I'm glad you see things that way even if I don't." I want to be like him....i want to give other people the chance to be heard like he hears me. I love my husband. Thank you Jesus.

I miss him. I miss the voice I have when I am with him. I want to have that voice now but maybe I just have to fight through some fears and lies to get there. Maybe it'll be a good thing.

Let's talk about FAT

Ok ladies, this is your heart. I know every single one of you (except my mom maybe) looks in the mirror and see that FATTY MCFATTERSON staring back at you. So I have never ever written about this subject because I don't want people to think I think I'm fat. It's one of those "keeping it together" things. But come on....if I didn't write about it who would? No one wants to admit they scrutinize over food, exercise to stop the guilt, or look in the mirror at the flaws and get very very angry.....only to find that maybe brownies could stop the pain! YES that's what I need! BROWNIES! haha.

So I have been watching the show "Ruby" since it aired. I LOVE HER. I'm sure anyone struggling with their weight LOVES her. How could you not? She's putting her fat, her fight and her face all over the world! Why? I believe it is to inspire and to bring a voice to something that we all deal with so silently. So as I watched today the last episode of season 2 all I wanted to do was hug her. She has a heart. Every overweight person has a heart. That sounds harsh. But this society scrutinizes and stares, calls them names behind closed doors, and thanks GOD we don't look THAT fat! But what I see is brokenness. I see a person hurting and this is their shield. She is realizing that her eating disorder comes from emotional scars, emptiness is areas she doesn't fully understand yet. How scary would it be if we all took a look at ourselves and said "Why do I do that?". What if we all went on a mission to dig up pain and hurt...then deal with it.

Some of you may not understand why I can even empathize with her. People normally see "little" when they look at me. When I thought about when I started to feel "fat" I remember the third grade. That would make me, what like 8? Jen (Mrs. C) can remember complimenting me one day in the lunch room before school. She said I looked pretty and she liked my outfit. My response? "No I don't. I look fat!" I chuckle now because it was so out of character for an 8 year old to say those words. I'm not sure what happened. I don't know why I started viewing myself that way. I don't know why I got chubby. I don't know when the obsession started or why. I just remember it started and it hasn't stopped. Have there been times when I knew I looked good on the outside? Yes. But on the inside I was tortured...counting every bite. See, looking skinny doesn't solve the problem either. It's so much deeper. Maybe in the third grade I realized that people were mean. Maybe my innocence was shaken and I got scared. I've always been sensitive and the world wasn't fitting in to the picture I had painted of this colorful rainbow world full of Jesus. lol. I started doubting myself. What if I wasn't good enough? What if people didn't love me? I was even scared to sing. What if my voice wasn't good enough? It makes me very sad to think that God gave me a gift, a voice, and I was so terrified that I hid it. I am still hiding it. Anyone heard me sing lately? It's a shame isn't it? Well, I'm working on that. I can't let satan poo poo face steal my talent. I only sing when I feel safe. But I want to sing when I feel scared, anytime any place. Everyone hides. But I can't anymore. Because Melody will die if I hide. I can't let that happen.

Lately, I just want to relay that "they have hearts". That's what I hear in my head all the time. My sister in law has two adopted children (not white! GASP!). When I hear stories of people giving her looks or staring my blood fuels. See, these babies have HEARTS. When I see a homeless person and I hear snide remarks I just fall apart inside. Even mean people have hearts. Crazy people have hearts. Obese people have hearts. White snotty Americans have hearts. Your horrible co worker...yep...theirs beats too. Instead of shutting them out what if we ministered to their hearts? You hear minister and you hear "give the poor money, amuse the crazy, or give the heavy lady a gift certificate to Arby's" but that's how satan has our minds working. There is so much MORE. Simply open your heart and you'll minister to theirs. It's like a game of dominos. It's so simple but it drastically changes lives. YOUR HEART. Yes, your heart is the answer. If you don't feel anything...you haven't even begun to help them. There is a secret in their hearts that only YOUR heart can unlock.

This blog isn't about weight loss. It's about the life Jesus came to give us. He doesn't tell us that we might have life...he says we WILL HAVE LIFE. He tells us who we are. Our addictions and obsessions can not be cured by our own hand...it is truly a healing process through Jesus Christ. Our image of perfection has to start to look like Jesus...not skinny people, rich people or those who seem to have their stuff together. It has to start looking like a heart. We have to go deeper everyday. Then Jesus will become BIGGER than the BIG you see in the mirror. : )

Blindsided

Aren't we all wanted? Doesn't Christ call us to love...even if we don't agree with their lifestyles? By love I don't mean pity or judge, by love I do not mean handing them a piece of paper that has John 3:16 on it, by love I don't mean smiling and then talking about them to your friends. By love I mean literally seeing a person created fully by God, by love I mean spending time with them in order to understand their hearts, by love I mean putting our standards aside. I understand that we all have gifts and different ways of ministering but there is one thing that should remain the same in all of us....we are no better than them. Our choices do not give us the right to place someone in the corner. I speak to myself when I say all of this.

This morning I fell asleep on the couch waiting for Luca to wake up. I did not pray this morning. I did not get up on the right side of the bed. I did not eat my breakfast without spilling something. I did nothing to deserve anything. And then this happened- I dreamed that I was asleep on the couch (which I was) and that there was an angel standing beside the arm rest. It was one of those half awake and half asleep moments. I knew I was dreaming but I also knew it was a replica of what was actually happening. So yeah, it was weird. Anyways, this angel in my dream leaned over and I could feel breath on my neck. It wasn't a soft breath either. It was firm and gentle at the same time. I heard the air hit my ears. Then I felt so warm, like I was wrapped up in arms. Now, excuse it away if you must, but I can not. Because it changed me. I dream a lot and they never really change a way of thinking for me. I woke up completely different then when I fell asleep. I woke up in tears. A weight was lifted and I could breathe. I knew at that moment that I really WASN'T alone. I wasn't afraid because I knew that if that was what heaven felt like than death is nothing to fear. I felt like God said, "I LOVE YOU MELODY". That's all I heard. That's all I felt. In my 24 years I have never ever ever felt anything like it.

So on my way home today I began to think about this. I wanted to ask God why that moment. I wasn't looking, I wasn't asking and I felt unworthy. So I said "Thank you." It's all I could even muster up to say because I was embarrassed. Yes, ashamed. I imagine it was what the woman who was being accused of adultery felt like when he said "Where are your accusers?" Isn't that when we feel love the strongest? When we know we are undeserving? I began to talk to God about how little faith I have these day. I told Him I felt guilty all the time. Tears ran down my face while I drove in the pouring rain. You see, I am terrified of driving in the rain. I get instant panic attacks. I fear death. But a couple minutes into my gripping the steering wheel episode, I remember that feeling I had earlier today. Complete peace and safety. I released my grip and let go (not of the wheel don't worry!). It gave me a whole new appreciation for the song "Jesus take the wheel". haha. No, I let go of my worry. I now know what it feels like to be in His arms. Even though I don't have that warm feeling at this moment...I know it exists in other ways all the time.

God spoke something in to my heart today. I know God is righteous but I feel like this world teaches us to be righteous in ourselves, not Him. If we were righteous in Him we would not be of our own direction. We would not put a label on who is worthy of help and love. God validated my feelings. He reminded me today that no one is worthy. I wasn't worthy, but regardless he gave me a gift. If the God of our universe came to a sad, untrusting child.....Surely he wants us to do the same for others. Doing something for someone who is unworthy is very hard. Finding it in our hearts to reach out to those who do not understand is why we are here.

Am I perfect? No. Am I healed forever, never to experience pain again? No. Am I loved? Yes. Is pain and imperfection made easier to walk through if I know God is for me? Absolutely.

A friend of mine had an experience similar to this. Unexplainably and undeniably our Father's hand told her that He loved her. I remember saying "I want God to do that for me!" Well, He has. And I am sure it will not be the last time. : )

The old life, the present life...and the one I wish was living

There is a passage in 1 Kings that has become near and dear to me these days. Isaiah, the Lord's prophet is being very obedient. In Mel's version....The Lord tells him to tell the king some things that are very hard to hear. The punishment for being so blunt being death. So after Isaiah has really pissed off some people he is led far far in to some woods where he finds a stream of running water. He drinks from this brooke and is fed by some birds. The Lord is taking care of him. He lives here for awhile until one day the brooke of his hope dries up. WHAT? Right, exactly what I was thinking. The Lord moves Isaiah in to a town where he finds a widow...a poor widow that has been cast out by society I imagine...her son is all she has. He asks her for food and she says..."pssshhh, I got my own to feed." (remember this is my version) Isaiah tells her not to worry that the Lord will provide enough for her and her son if she allows him in. So she does, and sure enough...more food than she had before and enough to sustain them. Until her son dies she is really believing in this God Isaiah serves. WAIT. Her son dies? Good job God...that's what Isaiah is thinking. But he goes to the boy and prays that the Lord will bring him back to life...and He does. Now this widow really believes in the power of God.

So why do I like this? Well, Isaiah is in God's will and his life is a journey. See, the widows house was only a stop on the way....and God used him. After the brooke dried up Isaiah could have sat there until he died asking "WHY? You led me here didn't you? WHERE'S MY DANG FOOD?" But instead he willingly moved. God had a different plan, a different person, a different path for his life. And Isaiah could have laughed when God said "Ask the poor hungry widow for food" but he did not. He may have had a few intense conversations with our Father but he obeyed. You see, if we believe, we are all destined to change the world. But if we stay in one place we may never grow. What if that brooke never dried up? Do you think Isaiah would have given a second thought to the mighty power that created those flowing waters? Or would he have just glanced at it when he needed something to drink...having faith in his own survival skills? If it were me I'd be like, "ok God, got my water...thanks...see ya later". What about you?

I am in God's will. Austin is in God's will. We did not choose this life, we were called. I think about what our lives were like before the Air Force. I think we both felt moved towards something for a couple of years. But we until we realized it was the Air Force...we took the brooke for granted. Now we are in between. We are stuck, apart, lonely and wishing for the promise to be back together. Emotionally, I feel very unsafe. I feel like I should not trust any one with this heart. Not even those closest to me. Austin is the one I have shared my heart with, he's the one who has seen my imperfections and said.."it's ok, I still love you." But what if Isaiah had done that with the widow? What if he had said, "Lord, I love you and everything but this lady seems a little crazy and smelly. She has nothing and certainly could reject me."? She would have never witnessed a testimony of the living God. Once again, it wasn't about Isaiah...it was about that woman...dying...hungry...physically and spiritually. So THERE IS PURPOSE FOR THE IN BETWEEN.

For me it is a daily struggle. What is my purpose here? I left all of our possessions locked up in a storage unit. I left a job where I felt like I had a family. I left kids that needed me. I left a life that I was comfortable in. I let go of having him here everyday. WHY? I have no idea. All I know is that this is a journey. I don't feel like I'm walking. I feel like I am crawling, gasping for air. I wake up and I pray, "Lord, help me get up because I don't want to. Give me some kind of purpose today." I feel trapped. Who am I? To be honest, when you take away everything that gives you comfort you see what your faith truly lies in. I love being comfortable. And some days I fight God to give it back to me. It's like taking a passy from a two year old. They just don't understand. I am the poster child for someone who is in between what was and what will be.

So wherever you are today, if you feel like you are in between anything....whatever you do...don't do nothing. Someone is in between being loved...now they feel rejected and wonder when they will feel accepted again. Someone is in between jobs, wondering when their perfect purpose aligns. Someone is in between faith, feeling like hope was left behind and there is no reverse gear. Someone hasn't felt complete since they were little, as soon as life was a reality they gave up. Someone has a sick child and wonders what is the purpose of watching a baby suffer? Someone has spouse who is away....and falls asleep in just as much agony as they had when they woke up. I'll try to remember my life is story....a story of restoration.

"I can feel a phe0nix inside of me as I march to alone to a different beat. I am ready for the road less traveled. Suiting up for my crowning battle. This is test is my own cross to bear, but I will get there. It's never easy to be chosen never easy to be called...I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames...calling out my name. I can see the writing on the wall. I can't ignore this war. At the end of it all, WHO AM I LIVING FOR. I can feel this life that's inside of me growing fast in to lightening. I know one strike will shock the world." -Katy Perry (maybe she is in between?)